Friday, June 13, 2014
Cool air caresses my skin as my heart pumps warmth steadily through my chest. I stand under the glow of the gloriously full moon, in awe of her power, aware of her pull, a mantra of new beginnings passing through my lips. I shiver, whether from the breeze or a premonition I can’t be sure. Both are equally real to me.
The breeze blows change into my atmosphere, filling me first with the unsettled yet enticing feeling of chaos that precedes all meaningful transformation. I take it in like I would a breath of fresh air after being held under water. It stings a bit even as it tastes of salvation. I gasp hungrily. I fight for a life worth living. I am ready.
The premonition: I feel in my bones just as strongly as in my soul this change is truly significant. It’s been a long time coming. There have been many partial attempts, many false starts. There has been trepidation, fear and my inner critic holding me captive, keeping me smaller than I truly am. I have hurt myself and hurt those that I love as I’ve stayed mired in this self-imposed struggle. I am moving beyond all that now. I am ready.
Honoring the Goddess, the Mother, the Divine Feminine has been my path for so long. I took Durga as my deity, Gauri as my name many years ago, never imagining the form my worship would take, the place it would bring me to. Here, now, I know there is no separation from “them” and “me” so I must worship myself. I am Shakti incarnate, Devi on this earthly plane. I revere myself as an embodiment of spirit, a vehicle for Light to shine through. I am pulling back the curtains now. I am ready to reveal myself.
The revelation unfolds like rolling waves upon the shore, varied in size and intensity yet constant. I come to know myself more with each breath, tear and smile, each perceived loss and gain. When I ache with the deepest of pain or soar with the purest of ecstasy, I am revealing myself, to me and to the world, more and more. As I go along I recognize the identity I’ve put forth, the hats I’ve worn and the roles I’ve played prior pale in comparison to the full depth and scope of my Divine Being.
I’ve stayed hidden and small behind unhealthy patterns: money earned without passion, obligations fulfilled without pleasure, Truth heard without listening. No more. The Goddess does not play small, settle or sell herself short. The Goddess transcends shame, doubt and judgment, standing in Her full power in all ways.
So here I stand, light of the moon upon me, light of my heart shining, ready to shed what no longer serves me. I stand naked, ready to be seen in my vulnerability just as much as my Divinity. I stand on the edge, knowing that the jump always looks more daunting from here than it is once you’re on your way. The hardest part is taking that leap and trusting the Universal energy to support you. Naked though I may be, I have full faith that once I step off, I will be cloaked with the wings I need to fly.