From Nowhere to Now Here

My fisted hands are now open palms. It's been years of prying this grasp loose, and finally it has happened. It hurts deeply, the stiffness and aching from so much pressure. I let go. I cultivate trust. I believe in Love. The pain will subside. This I know is True.

Shakti is awakening. It's time.

I wrote these words the other day sitting in a space beyond our common constructs of place and time. I wrote them from Now Here, which has no understanding of past or future for this space is Infinite, always was and always will be. This space exists in my heart and is made of my Soul. This is the space of Truth.

After so much energy invested in "soul searching" for so long, I recently found myself face to face with what I had been searching for, even if it didn’t look exactly as I’d imagined. My Soul longed for freedom of movement, travel and exploring new places to call home. I’ve now taken up residence in my third time zone in as many months and feel strongly called toward planting myself here for a while. My Soul longed for creative expression. I’ve made the bold move of redefining my work life to devote more of myself to pursuits and offerings that nurture my Shakti flow, my creative essence. My Soul longed for an enlightened partnership. I’ve had the privilege of loving and being loved by someone so conscious that together we started and ended our relationship in sacred Tantric ritual, and uphold our commitment to the others’ evolution and well being as much as our own whether we’re together or apart.

Home. Job. Relationship. Picture a three-legged stool, with each of these holding up the seat, and the seat is Sense of Self. Most of us define ourselves by these external factors and they uphold the image we project outwardly as well as identify with inwardly. I just chopped the legs off my stool inside the span of a few short months, and now all I’m left to sit in is the seat of Self. I’m left with the chance to feel into Who I AM. And by the Grace of Goddess, I know all I AM left with is absolutely enough.

When I wrote those words the other day, I had just finished enjoying some much needed rest and rejuvenation at the Sivananda ashram in Grass Valley, CA, consoling my weary heart and clearing my cluttered mind after a lot of upheaval in the weeks, really months, prior. I needed the solace of nature and the spiritual community that has held me for so many years. I communed in sweet silence with Ganesha, Krsna, Siva and Durga. I chanted their Holy names with all the love and devotion in my heart. I poured out pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and revelations into my journal and ultimately in messages to the Beloved who was not mine to have anymore for we had come to a crossroads and chose different paths.

I began to glimpse the sense of clarity I'd yearned for, yet the Truth of that precise moment before those words came was things weren’t clear at all. That I had no idea of where to call home, how I would earn a living and whether or not a loving, intimate partnership made to go the distance was in my destiny had me in a state of flux. I had been working hard to establish myself in the space of Now Here, and it seemed I was making real progress until I heard my former Beloved’s voice on the line and felt the surge of hazy emotion threaten to overtake me, dragging me down to Nowhere.

Nowhere is most certainly not where I choose to be. I choose to be Now Here.

So I entered Now Here’s glorious gates. I was sitting outside the home of a Soul sister and mentor who I had been called to connect with, and who, by the Grace of Goddess, had heard the call too and answered it. In preparation for this auspicious meeting I channeled the flow of Shakti in me, moving Her abundant goodness through me with my breath, feeling every cell of my being soften as the vibration of Om came forth. Healing comes from the heart. Healing comes from within.

In the span of time we spent together, this sister of my Soul helped bring me to the undeniable recognition that I had landed exactly where I asked to be all along. I had brought my Self to this space of Now Here, and from it I could time travel into my “future” at will, feel into and see what it looks like to be living the life my Soul is truly meant for. I had a visceral experience with the relativity of time, understanding it as the arbitrary construct it is. There was nothing more to search for. It is all Now Here. 

Many nuances of the path I tread are still unknown to me. Many alternative routes exist for my choosing. Many chances to relearn and relive this sort of experience are likely to present themselves as I continue forward, occasionally crossing the line back into familiar Nowhere, only so I may continue strengthening my commitment to being Now Here. I accept and embrace all of this for I know the hardest part is over. I let go of my iron grip and opened myself to receive the Grace I was born for. Shakti is awake and alive in me. Now is her time. Here is her place. I AM ready, come what may.