I am an explorer. I like to set off on journeys, travel to
places unknown, immerse myself in languages, scents and sounds that are
unfamiliar, attune myself to the local vibration. This has fueled my passion
for visiting foreign countries, and it is also why I am so intrigued by inner
journeys, spiritual quests. There is an endless amount of mystery and wonder
within each of us, so even though I’ve been physically traveling almost non-stop
for the last several months, the most significant exploration of all has been
to places unknown, or at least forgotten, within myself.
At the start of this year a few pivotal events transpired
that set the stage for this particular adventure, so allow me to share the
backstory: On New Years Day I met a man who stirred something in my soul that
I’d never felt before, and cliché though it may sound, I knew as soon as I laid
eyes on him that this was something major. The following day he facilitated my
formal introduction to the path of Tantra, which was one of those sun rays
shining, angels singing, ah-hah moments as I finally had a framework and a
vocabulary for the direction my heart and soul had been moving in all along. Years of practicing hatha yoga, which is also
a Tantric path, coupled with exploring my spirituality and sexuality, had me tiptoeing around
the edges, but now I’d finally crossed the threshold. The day after that, we
marked the beginning of a new seven-year cycle for him, celebrating his
birthday and fanning the flames of a serious spark between us. I can count on
both hands the number of days it took for that spark to become a burning fire,
and it wasn’t all that long after that we solidified our commitment to journey
deeper down the path hand in hand and heart to heart. So when he told me his
immediate path would take him to his family’s land in northeast Alabama for a
few months, I told him I wanted to go too. Something profound had been set in
motion between us, and I wasn’t prepared to stop the momentum with a prolonged
separation. Simple as that.
It turns out, much of what has occurred since has been
anything but simple. Getting here might
have been easy, but being here simply has not been simple. When two seekers on
the path fall in step with one another, you can be certain there is significant
work to be done between them. It will be an exploration of epic proportions. Whether
the relationship is that of a teacher and a student, family, friends or lovers,
this kind of connection is based on soul contracts, commitments made to one
another at a level beyond conscious understanding, designed to facilitate
expansion and ascension. It’s the journey of a lifetime, or many lifetimes, and
it is all about growth. And as with all growth, there are bound to be growing
pains. Let’s just say I have been all sorts of achy recently!
As I’ve delved Tantra, I’ve been digging deep into the
recesses of my heart, seeking out the trauma stored in my body, unearthing the
unhealed wounds that cause me to lash out when triggered, with the aim of
liberating myself from them. If you thought Tantra was all about prolonged
orgasms, think again. Sure you can have those, eventually, but that is far from
the sole focus. Tantra is about Self love and celebrating your own Divinity. It is the balanced, harmonious union of masculine and feminine. It
is about intimacy and compassion. But in order to get to what it’s really
about, you have to go through your story, your pain. And if you’re doing this
work in partnership, you’re going to be faced with your beloved’s story and
pain too. You’re going to trigger and be triggered. The ecstasy and joy
commonly associated with Tantra are unquestionably part of it too, as these are
our True nature. Yet most of us are extremely far removed from that, so it
takes serious work to get there. And when I say work, I mean down, dirty, heavy
lifting kind of work. So be prepared . . . it’s likely going to hurt, for a
while anyway.
My hurt is quite vicious. It unsheathes itself in the form
heavy criticism, biting words, a barrage of judgments, and masterful
manipulations. My hurt is also quite cunning, as is true for most. It projects onto
others, casting blame outward to avoid looking, and feeling, inward. My hurt
pours heavy sadness, anxiety and frustration upon me, pinning me down with its
weight so I do not feel free to move energy as needed. My hurt insists on being
seen, heard and felt, and will go to great lengths, breaking me down, bringing
me to inconsolable tears and overwhelming grief, punishment for myself and
those around me. My hurt is not pretty.
But I am.
I AM.
I AM Shakti, the Divine feminine, glorious, radiant, benevolent
being. It is high time I remembered this and stopped identifying with my hurt.
I am not my hurt. This I know to be True. My hurt is a
story, albeit a convincing, moving, powerful one, but it is still just a story.
Tantra teaches us to uncover our stories and see them for what they really are
so we can transcend them. It is a path to healing, and when you’re hurting,
healing is exactly what is needed. In the last month I’d gotten to the point
where practically all I knew and all I saw was the hurt. Moments of clarity
arose in between, and I genuinely showed up as my joyful Goddess self in them, but
they’d fade far too quickly. I came dangerously close to losing sight altogether
of the fact that I’d embarked on this journey to facilitate healing and
Self-discovery. Very gratefully, my beloved hadn’t lost sight of this, and insisted
that something had to shift. He loved himself enough and had enough clarity of
mind to be firm in this Truth. My story resisted at first, but it was a feeble
attempt. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and deep down I knew he was completely
right. So I listened, and I shifted.
When you’re hurting, you seek consolation and relief, and
that is exactly what I am doing right now. I’m actually not in Alabama as I
write this. I shifted to Tennessee, Chattanooga to be precise, since that is
the closest city for me to find the familiar comforts and conveniences I’ve
been craving- yoga studios, people I could connect with as contemporaries,
Whole Foods, cafes, bustling energy. I needed these comforts and conveniences
to help me create a refuge in which I could come home to myself and heal. Though
this is a city I’m just getting to know and that aspect speaks to the traveler
in me, the real reason I’m spending the week in a little apartment I rented
here is to reconnect to my original intention of Self-exploration. Funny that I
embarked on this journey largely because I felt physical proximity to my
beloved was essential to my growth only to find that being apart from him is
the exact thing I need right now.
No sooner had I settled in here, taken a couple of yoga
classes and unwound with a steamy shower and an Ayurvedic self massage, the
story subsided and a stream of Truth started pouring through me onto the pages
of my journal. All this time, all this suffering and heartache, I was the
responsible party! I’d set off on a journey of Self-love but somehow lost my
way and was severely neglecting myself. Of course, I didn’t see it this way
while I was in the thick of things. My story was that someone else was to
blame, so I blamed my beloved and our surroundings, never really stopping to
give proper to consideration to how I was showing up, or not, for myself. I
knew I was behaving poorly with my stressed out, emotional antics, but what I
overlooked was how I was responding and whether or not I was properly caring
for myself in the face of them.
So this week has been all about self care. I committed to
showering myself with total love and remembering who I AM and why I am here. Shakti
is Love, nurturing essence, compassion and gentility, and I AM Shakti. As
Shakti, I must love every single facet of my being, the child within who has
been wounded, the woman who has been neglected, and the goddess who has been
forgotten. As Shakti I speak to myself with loving kindness, total compassion
and sincerity, looking myself in the eyes as I do, no judgment, total
acceptance. As Shakti I commit to daily meditation, chanting and asana
practice, yummy, nourishing foods, massages and pampering, making new friends. As
Shakti I make myself the #1 priority and focus on rekindling the most important
love affair I will ever have: the one with myself.
There is nothing selfish about this. To the contrary, a
woman who showers herself with love is a woman living in abundance, and she
will naturally have more to share with others. When she fills her cup with
nurturing and joy, it is nurturing and joy that spills over to those around
her. I’d forgotten this. I’d bought into a story I was telling myself that said
being a martyr was the way to go and blaming others was justified. Not so. The
journey of moving past my stories, through my pain and into my Truth has led me
to This, Here, Now, and I AM so very grateful.
This: the
recognition of myself as Shakti, a goddess to be showered with love
Here: in a
safe and sacred space created for myself
Now: this
present moment
Thank Goddess for this revelatory remembrance, and for
abundance enough to share it. Namaste.
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