To be alive is to evolve. Could you imagine the world otherwise? If we all liked, wanted and knew the same things we did as children, what kind of world would we be living in? Well, maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible world, but you get my point! And getting back to it. . . Life carries us along through many different stages and places. Some of us prefer to be a passenger on the ship, as it were, while others opt to play captain. Some of us take our growth reactively, others proactively. But grow we must, and grow we do.
I started writing this blog when my marriage ended. I wrote my pain and my pleasure, my dark and my light so that ultimately I could come to see the oneness of it all and help my evolution along. Did I know that would happen? Not necessarily. Did I know other people would care to hear what I had to say? I hoped so, but nothing is guaranteed. Did I intend for my subsequent relationships, spiritual experiences, breakdowns and breakthroughs, all pretty personal subject matter, to become the content of this public forum? Definitely not. Yet that is exactly what transpired, and it has been a significant part of my evolution. I am most certainly not the same person who started writing back in 2010. And while I love her dearly, I am so glad to have evolved into the Jess I am today.
So if writing was such an integral part of my growth process for such a long time, and I know how much I enjoy the act, why haven't I been doing it much lately? I believe it comes down to attachment, or non-attachment, these days. I was attached to my marriage for six years, and when that was gone, I sought to attach myself to other things/people/activities to fill the void. While I had my yoga practice and my spiritual path to support me, those are largely individualized and internalized. I wasn't yet strong enough to be without a regular source of external support as well.
Of course, none of this was obvious to me at the time. I felt I was transitioning quite well into the next chapter of my life, embracing my independence, enjoying the freedom of being single and living fully. While all of that may have been true, I was also clinging very tightly to my group of incredible friends and soaking up the energy that came to me in the form of praise for my writing and other external pursuits, not unlike the way I might lean on and bask in the adoration of a partner. Apparently I wasn't loving myself quite enough to be able to feel fully adored, balanced, content and safe without some external validation. Attachment, as those of us who study yogic philosophy know, is the cause of much suffering and ultimately a hindrance to one's growth. So substituting an attachment to one thing for another is still attachment, and accordingly your growth will only go so far. Cultivating non-attachment, enjoying and even benefiting from "things" without feeling any possessiveness or dependency, is the real work.
Recently I have gotten much more comfortable being with me just doing my own thing. While I used to feel something was wrong if I didn't have a packed calendar or wasn't in the company of others all the time, lately I prefer to have more down time in my schedule and spend more time with myself. Of course, a social butterfly like me doesn't change her wings altogether. I still derive great pleasure from being out and about doing things I enjoy in the company of people I care about, those who uplift and inspire me. I've just become more selective about how I exchange energy. I'd rather read than write these days, turning to the words and teachings of ancient masters and modern-day mentors to further my evolution. I'd rather take a really amazing yoga class or chant my heart out at a kirtan on a Friday night then be out on the town. I'd rather cultivate my energy and share it with others wisely, kindly and compassionately than put it out there indiscriminately. None of this is to say I'm shutting myself off from the world. To the contrary, I'm channeling my focus to craft the world the way I want to live in it. . . at a higher vibration.
So thank you, JW, for prompting this opportunity for reflection and for bringing me to this moment where I felt inspired to write because it feels really good. If my words inspire you in turn it will be an amazing gift that I feel blessed to receive. And if you don't "hear" from me again for a while, know that it's just because I'm at a place in my evolution where I need to go inward a bit more, but my love and positivity will always flow outward toward the greater good as well.