Wings

Cool air caresses my skin as my heart pumps warmth steadily through my chest. I stand under the glow of the gloriously full moon, in awe of her power, aware of her pull, a mantra of new beginnings passing through my lips. I shiver, whether from the breeze or a premonition I can’t be sure. Both are equally real to me.

The breeze blows change into my atmosphere, filling me first with the unsettled yet enticing feeling of chaos that precedes all meaningful transformation. I take it in like I would a breath of fresh air after being held under water. It stings a bit even as it tastes of salvation. I gasp hungrily. I fight for a life worth living.  I am ready.

The premonition: I feel in my bones just as strongly as in my soul this change is truly significant. It’s been a long time coming. There have been many partial attempts, many false starts. There has been trepidation, fear and my inner critic holding me captive, keeping me smaller than I truly am. I have hurt myself and hurt those that I love as I’ve stayed mired in this self-imposed struggle. I am moving beyond all that now. I am ready.

Honoring the Goddess, the Mother, the Divine Feminine has been my path for so long. I took Durga as my deity, Gauri as my name many years ago, never imagining the form my worship would take, the place it would bring me to. Here, now, I know there is no separation from “them” and “me” so I must worship myself. I am Shakti incarnate, Devi on this earthly plane. I revere myself as an embodiment of spirit, a vehicle for Light to shine through. I am pulling back the curtains now. I am ready to reveal myself.

The revelation unfolds like rolling waves upon the shore, varied in size and intensity yet constant. I come to know myself more with each breath, tear and smile, each perceived loss and gain. When I ache with the deepest of pain or soar with the purest of ecstasy, I am revealing myself, to me and to the world, more and more. As I go along I recognize the identity I’ve put forth, the hats I’ve worn and the roles I’ve played prior pale in comparison to the full depth and scope of my Divine Being.

I’ve stayed hidden and small behind unhealthy patterns: money earned without passion, obligations fulfilled without pleasure, Truth heard without listening. No more. The Goddess does not play small, settle or sell herself short. The Goddess transcends shame, doubt and judgment, standing in Her full power in all ways.

So here I stand, light of the moon upon me, light of my heart shining, ready to shed what no longer serves me. I stand naked, ready to be seen in my vulnerability just as much as my Divinity.  I stand on the edge, knowing that the jump always looks more daunting from here than it is once you’re on your way. The hardest part is taking that leap and trusting the Universal energy to support you. Naked though I may be, I have full faith that once I step off, I will be cloaked with the wings I need to fly.

I AM

I am an explorer. I like to set off on journeys, travel to places unknown, immerse myself in languages, scents and sounds that are unfamiliar, attune myself to the local vibration. This has fueled my passion for visiting foreign countries, and it is also why I am so intrigued by inner journeys, spiritual quests. There is an endless amount of mystery and wonder within each of us, so even though I’ve been physically traveling almost non-stop for the last several months, the most significant exploration of all has been to places unknown, or at least forgotten, within myself.

At the start of this year a few pivotal events transpired that set the stage for this particular adventure, so allow me to share the backstory: On New Years Day I met a man who stirred something in my soul that I’d never felt before, and cliché though it may sound, I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that this was something major. The following day he facilitated my formal introduction to the path of Tantra, which was one of those sun rays shining, angels singing, ah-hah moments as I finally had a framework and a vocabulary for the direction my heart and soul had been moving in all along.  Years of practicing hatha yoga, which is also a Tantric path, coupled with exploring my spirituality and sexuality, had me tiptoeing around the edges, but now I’d finally crossed the threshold. The day after that, we marked the beginning of a new seven-year cycle for him, celebrating his birthday and fanning the flames of a serious spark between us. I can count on both hands the number of days it took for that spark to become a burning fire, and it wasn’t all that long after that we solidified our commitment to journey deeper down the path hand in hand and heart to heart. So when he told me his immediate path would take him to his family’s land in northeast Alabama for a few months, I told him I wanted to go too. Something profound had been set in motion between us, and I wasn’t prepared to stop the momentum with a prolonged separation. Simple as that.

It turns out, much of what has occurred since has been anything but simple.  Getting here might have been easy, but being here simply has not been simple. When two seekers on the path fall in step with one another, you can be certain there is significant work to be done between them. It will be an exploration of epic proportions. Whether the relationship is that of a teacher and a student, family, friends or lovers, this kind of connection is based on soul contracts, commitments made to one another at a level beyond conscious understanding, designed to facilitate expansion and ascension. It’s the journey of a lifetime, or many lifetimes, and it is all about growth. And as with all growth, there are bound to be growing pains. Let’s just say I have been all sorts of achy recently!

As I’ve delved Tantra, I’ve been digging deep into the recesses of my heart, seeking out the trauma stored in my body, unearthing the unhealed wounds that cause me to lash out when triggered, with the aim of liberating myself from them. If you thought Tantra was all about prolonged orgasms, think again. Sure you can have those, eventually, but that is far from the sole focus. Tantra is about Self love and celebrating your own Divinity. It is the balanced, harmonious union of masculine and feminine. It is about intimacy and compassion. But in order to get to what it’s really about, you have to go through your story, your pain. And if you’re doing this work in partnership, you’re going to be faced with your beloved’s story and pain too. You’re going to trigger and be triggered. The ecstasy and joy commonly associated with Tantra are unquestionably part of it too, as these are our True nature. Yet most of us are extremely far removed from that, so it takes serious work to get there. And when I say work, I mean down, dirty, heavy lifting kind of work. So be prepared . . . it’s likely going to hurt, for a while anyway.

My hurt is quite vicious. It unsheathes itself in the form heavy criticism, biting words, a barrage of judgments, and masterful manipulations. My hurt is also quite cunning, as is true for most. It projects onto others, casting blame outward to avoid looking, and feeling, inward. My hurt pours heavy sadness, anxiety and frustration upon me, pinning me down with its weight so I do not feel free to move energy as needed. My hurt insists on being seen, heard and felt, and will go to great lengths, breaking me down, bringing me to inconsolable tears and overwhelming grief, punishment for myself and those around me. My hurt is not pretty.

But I am.

I AM.

I AM Shakti, the Divine feminine, glorious, radiant, benevolent being. It is high time I remembered this and stopped identifying with my hurt.

I am not my hurt. This I know to be True. My hurt is a story, albeit a convincing, moving, powerful one, but it is still just a story. Tantra teaches us to uncover our stories and see them for what they really are so we can transcend them. It is a path to healing, and when you’re hurting, healing is exactly what is needed. In the last month I’d gotten to the point where practically all I knew and all I saw was the hurt. Moments of clarity arose in between, and I genuinely showed up as my joyful Goddess self in them, but they’d fade far too quickly. I came dangerously close to losing sight altogether of the fact that I’d embarked on this journey to facilitate healing and Self-discovery. Very gratefully, my beloved hadn’t lost sight of this, and insisted that something had to shift. He loved himself enough and had enough clarity of mind to be firm in this Truth. My story resisted at first, but it was a feeble attempt. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and deep down I knew he was completely right. So I listened, and I shifted.

When you’re hurting, you seek consolation and relief, and that is exactly what I am doing right now. I’m actually not in Alabama as I write this. I shifted to Tennessee, Chattanooga to be precise, since that is the closest city for me to find the familiar comforts and conveniences I’ve been craving- yoga studios, people I could connect with as contemporaries, Whole Foods, cafes, bustling energy. I needed these comforts and conveniences to help me create a refuge in which I could come home to myself and heal. Though this is a city I’m just getting to know and that aspect speaks to the traveler in me, the real reason I’m spending the week in a little apartment I rented here is to reconnect to my original intention of Self-exploration. Funny that I embarked on this journey largely because I felt physical proximity to my beloved was essential to my growth only to find that being apart from him is the exact thing I need right now.

No sooner had I settled in here, taken a couple of yoga classes and unwound with a steamy shower and an Ayurvedic self massage, the story subsided and a stream of Truth started pouring through me onto the pages of my journal. All this time, all this suffering and heartache, I was the responsible party! I’d set off on a journey of Self-love but somehow lost my way and was severely neglecting myself. Of course, I didn’t see it this way while I was in the thick of things. My story was that someone else was to blame, so I blamed my beloved and our surroundings, never really stopping to give proper to consideration to how I was showing up, or not, for myself. I knew I was behaving poorly with my stressed out, emotional antics, but what I overlooked was how I was responding and whether or not I was properly caring for myself in the face of them.

So this week has been all about self care. I committed to showering myself with total love and remembering who I AM and why I am here. Shakti is Love, nurturing essence, compassion and gentility, and I AM Shakti. As Shakti, I must love every single facet of my being, the child within who has been wounded, the woman who has been neglected, and the goddess who has been forgotten. As Shakti I speak to myself with loving kindness, total compassion and sincerity, looking myself in the eyes as I do, no judgment, total acceptance. As Shakti I commit to daily meditation, chanting and asana practice, yummy, nourishing foods, massages and pampering, making new friends. As Shakti I make myself the #1 priority and focus on rekindling the most important love affair I will ever have: the one with myself.

This may sound fundamental and obvious, yet I know I’m certainly not alone in doing the opposite despite knowing better. We all know the adage that you cannot love another unless you truly love yourself, and yet so many of us, women in particular, do not uphold this. We neglect ourselves, often under the guise of seemingly benevolent intentions, such as focusing that energy instead on the ones we love. We give and give of ourselves, depleting our resources, often without being asked, and then we build resentment when we don’t receive in equal measure. The paradox there is that most of us don’t even know how to receive in equal measure. We’ve never really tried. The only way to learn this is to start by giving to ourselves. Tantra teaches this. Take the journey inward. Remember who you truly are, figure out what you truly enjoy, and ensure every aspect of your life is set up in support of this.

There is nothing selfish about this. To the contrary, a woman who showers herself with love is a woman living in abundance, and she will naturally have more to share with others. When she fills her cup with nurturing and joy, it is nurturing and joy that spills over to those around her. I’d forgotten this. I’d bought into a story I was telling myself that said being a martyr was the way to go and blaming others was justified. Not so. The journey of moving past my stories, through my pain and into my Truth has led me to This, Here, Now, and I AM so very grateful.

This: the recognition of myself as Shakti, a goddess to be showered with love

Here: in a safe and sacred space created for myself

Now: this present moment

Thank Goddess for this revelatory remembrance, and for abundance enough to share it. Namaste.

The feminine flow

I subscribe to the belief that we begin again anew in myriad ways, big and small, in our daily lives: with the dawn of every day, the intake of each breath, the momentum inherent in choosing to turn left instead of right and so on. Yet even with all these amazing opportunities to start fresh, for me none packs quite the same potency as the arrival of a new moon.

The more I've connected to the flow of Shakti, the Divine feminine energy that animates us all, the more I've become aware of the cycles of the moon. My moods and patterns rotate along with Mother Moon's trajectory, and they are colored in the full spectrum of the rainbow. I find myself more introverted at times, playful at others, moving from muted mauve tones to bright oranges. Some days I crave space and solitude, the color of a clear blue sky, others I need the presence of others around me, vibrant yellows filling me with light. My energy is buoyant during certain phases, far more subdued during others. And when the moon comes around to start a new cycle each month, I naturally do the same, pure white.

I shed what does not serve me, both literally and figuratively, as I run red, and marvel at how many of my sisters around me do the same. Energetic beings that we are, when we allow ourselves to connect to the flow and patterns of nature, we automatically align. Our bodies harmonize to the Universal body, our hearts to the Universal heart, and in this natural rhythm we engage in the sacred act of beginning again. It’s the gift of being a goddess.

In many societies, women on their moon cycle would enter into the Red Tent where they would honor this period with ritual and community. It was a time to rest, reflect and reset for the start of a new month. This tradition of sisterhood and reverence got largely lost in our culture somewhere along the way, and, very thankfully, is now being revived by women all over. What a beautiful testament to Shakti.

It happens that as I first began to write this, April 29, 2014, it was a new moon day, and I entered into it so very ready for the clean slate it brings. I'd spent the few weeks prior sifting through a lot of emotions and swinging through a lot of moods as I got situated in my new home in Alabama. The rose-colored vision I had of country living in anticipation of my arrival failed to include quite a few of the stark contrasts to the way I've lived my life in the city for all my years.  My vision became tinged with gray. It didn't account for the isolation I'd feel being so far from my sisters, the lack of easy access to many of the comforts and conveniences I'm used to having at my fingertips, to living with another after years of living alone. 

In fact, my rose-colored vision quickly gave way from that gray to a particular shade of green. In many moments I found myself green with envy for the life I'd led "back at home" even as I was meant to be settling into my new home. Green may be my favorite color, but this shade just does not look good on me. It's really not flattering on anyone.

Had I been surrounded by the women in my Red Tent, I know they would have pointed this out to me. That’s what sisters do. They certainly don’t let you walk out the door wearing something that doesn’t fit just right, and attitudes and emotions are no different. We are there for each other in countless ways, among them to hold mirrors up to one another and reflect back the lesson we need to receive at that moment. I’d be pouring out my heart to them over cups of tea on cozy couches or chatting in the locker room after sweating it out on the mat together in a yoga class. And as I let the colors of my pain and fear run from my lips, I’d be filled again by the words of reassurance and wisdom pouring from theirs.

But I was not with my sisters right then, not even with my beloved. I was with my Self, away on a business trip, and it was cold and rainy, bleak and gray outside, no different from how I’d felt inside at moments over the last few weeks. On this day it was just me and Mother Moon. 

The lesson I needed to receive was being reflected back at me through the mirror of my own heart, and in that space are all the colors of the rainbow. As glorious and important as it is to be in the company of my sister goddesses, and to have their colors wash over me, there are times when the Universe places us on our own to do our work. We must see the full spectrum of colors for ourselves, create the comfort and company our heart is calling for within our own being and in whatever physical space we inhabit.

So I did. Instead of feeling sad to not have a Red Tent to join in, I created one for myself . . . A bath drawn with lavender-scented Epsom salt. And fresh strawberries and chocolate too, because why not? I chose to commune with Shakti in me, to be my own healer, my own mirror and to provide myself with the pampering and nurturing I needed, creating a conscious ritual all my own.

As the energy of the new moon washed over me, I honored all that I’d lived during this prior cycle, and washed it away with the bath water. I recognized that every fear that surfaced and tear that fell during the past weeks were necessary for my evolution. Reds, blues, grays, whatever didn’t serve me, down the drain it went. Then I stood beneath the shower, envisioning all the colors of the rainbow pouring over the blank white canvas I’d just created of myself. I felt as connected as I ever had in the Red Tent, alone with the Shakti in me, and happier than ever to be an embodiment of the feminine flow. 

P.D. Me

Hello from my little corner of the world to yours!

I'm fresh off of the remarkable experience of nearly two weeks spent at Kashi Ashram, a sweet, sacred space in Sebastian, FL. I was gathered with an amazing, assorted group who all came together to take a Permaculture Design Course (P.D.C.). I bet quite a few of you out there reading this are saying a "permaWHAT??" which is more or less how I initially felt about it.

Before I happened to fall in love with Mr. Permaculture himself, I had a sense that it had something to do with gardening, which, conveniently, was something I had precious little experience with and only slightly more interest. Enter Mr. Permaculture, and I began to learn it can have A LOT to do with gardening, among so many other facets and disciplines. It turns out I actually DO have interest in gardening, among those many other things. Wonders never cease!



And what is more wondrous than evolution? How fascinating the way Nature innately progresses and proliferates! How humbling and needed to receive a lesson reminding me that I, Jessica; I, Gauri; I, flesh, bone, heart and soul, am as much a part of Nature as any flower in any garden.

For the many beliefs I hold about myself, my identity and the roles I play, I can see how, despite supposedly knowing better, I've held myself at a quite a distance from Nature in many ways, and have gone against my own Nature in others. Case in point: I've long believed myself to be "not interested" or "not inclined" toward a lot of things, never realizing I was putting all these self limiting labels into my reality simply by speaking them. "I'm not into math and science". "I can't keep a plant alive". "I'm not a big crier [lately]". And there are other things I've subconsciously told myself I can't or shouldn't do. "I shouldn't quit my job" or "I can't fully follow my heart".

Take away "not", "can't" and "shouldn't" and you'd be amazed at what you're left with.

I was left with the knowledge that I am very into this particular Applied Ecological Design Science (P.D.C. brownie points for that one!) known as Permaculture. I am very committed to not just keeping plants alive but nurturing them so they flourish for the benefit of Mother Earth and all her children, which includes not only me, but you and hundreds of generations of souls of all sorts to come! And yes, I do still have a good cry in me, even if it had been a while since I felt safe enough to let it out. And letting it out has a lot to do with considering that I can and should fully follow my heart. More on that later. . .

It's been many years now of me walking a conscious path, seeking communion with kindred souls and actively evolving into better versions of myself. But this path is not straight, because, as I learned in my P.D.C., there are no straight lines in Nature. Nature curves, winds, spirals, scatters and forms all sorts of other remarkable patterns that, even in their seeming randomness, make perfect sense when you really start to observe and understand them. So it makes perfect sense that I've experienced many a curve, and sometimes a curveball, along the way. It fits that there have been moments best described as a downward spiral, only to emerge again and wind my way a little further down the road.

That road has brought the practice of active, conscious gratitude into my life. It has filled my heart with a deep faith, anchored in the spiritual traditions of the East, while providing me with much of what we deem success in the West. Yet even as I stand in tremendous appreciation for what my Western success has afforded me, my soul calls for a simplicity that up until now I'd associated more or less exclusively with an Eastern way of life.

Permaculture is a paradigm shift. For me, it represents a way to bring East and West together. That's not how it is described in any book I came across thus far, but it is what I feel to be true in me. Permaculture doesn't come from India or Tibet. It comes from Australia, as a matter of fact, and was birthed by your "average white guy", not little brown men in robes. And while it does include getting your hands in the soil and creating lush, thriving gardens and food forests, it is about SO much more. It is about community, connection, compassion and caring. And who doesn't want to be cared for?

Care for the Earth. Care for the People. Care to Share the Surplus.

Those are the ethics that underly permaculture. And those very same ethics could, and I offer, should, underly any spiritual path. The earth is our Mother. We as people, and all the other sentient beings, are her children. Certainly her children have a right to share equitably in the abundance of Nature in all ways.

But we do not. Just as I fooled myself into believing self limiting labels about who I am, where my talents lie and what I'm capable of, we, as children of the Earth, have bought into a massive heap of lies. We have come to believe it is acceptable to have a grossly inequitable distribution of resources among our population, to have the masses governed by a select few whose agendas include nothing of general welfare, to abuse our Mother to the point where she is breaking down before our very eyes. We do not live simply or sustainably, and we are running out of time.

Let me lighten the mood by saying that, of the 36 classes that comprised the P.D.C. only one of them was focused on expressly discussing the world's problems. So this was not an experience of doom and gloom. Instead, it was an opportunity to learn to see the solutions inherent in these problems. We had the chance to come together, a diverse group of individuals walking seemingly different paths, and collaborate on ways to regenerate Nature and provide abundance for ourselves, our communities, our world, not just now but well into the future.

I walked away from that experience happy, hopeful and feeling very connected- to Spirit, to Mother Earth, to my new premie family and especially to Mr. Permaculture. I found a science I like! I actually do like having dirt under my fingernails and my bare feet padding along the earth! And now about that cry. . .

The morning after the course ended I found myself sitting in front of my work computer, smack in the middle of suburbia and feeling like I was living the antithesis of what I had learned and experienced during my P.D.C. I felt anything other than the happy, hopeful, connected sensations I had held dear just a few hours prior. I felt frustrated, bored, scared. I've invested over a decade working in corporate America. I've built a career, my personal finances and a significant aspect of my identity around an environment that is so misaligned with my personal values and interests it's almost comical in its irony. But I wasn't laughing. I was crying.

The overwhelming sensation brought on by the dichotomy fell on me like a thick cloud of smoke, smothering me with its toxic density. This is not the life I want yet I must own the fact that it is the life I chose. That was then. This is now. And now that I am choosing differently, I am faced with making my way out into the clear, fresh air. While that may sound like a no brainer, wanting it is one thing, and doing it is another.

I hear the call of my heart so very clearly. I've been hearing it for quite some time and yet continued to live what is increasingly coming to feel like a double life. I fill my spiritual account in one world, my bank account in another. I appear so very immersed in the conscious community I prefer to connect with yet struggle with the fact that I'm still keeping up appearances in the corporate world I've come to rely on. My heart wants out but my fear keeps me in.

So the self-proclaimed non-crier had herself a good cry. And Mr. Permaculture held me and held space so I could begin to feel into my fear and my grief, which is what I need. I've spent enough time in my head about all this. Pre-permaculture, the practical choice was glaringly clear: stay with your job because that is stability Anything else would be nuts. Post-permaculture, the opposite is clear: continuing to feed into the very system that has turned our world so terribly upside down is nuts. Find a way to be the solution in the problem.

My heart holds the truth. It is the key to unlock the door of fear keeping me in a space that no longer serves me. And I am nudging it open, slowly, but surely. I've been at that for a while in ways, but the push is so much stronger now. The call is so much louder. The path is so much clearer. And I have the experience of my P.D.C, which I'm fondly reflecting on as P.D.Me, to thank for that.

If you put your mind to it. . .

If traveling to India again felt like a homecoming, hoping over to Nepal was a departure into the unknown, this being my first time here. There's a special tingly excitement that rings through you when you know you're about to have a "first time" of any sort. First kiss. First day. First taste. First glimpse. There is no recreating that first. You are gifted that opportunity, and it is never to be had again.

That might seem a sad statement to some. But if I've learned anything from the spiritual wisdom I've been exposed to, it's the imperative value in making the most of every single moment, otherwise known as mindfulness. Being mindful and present for each moment gives you the gift of infinite first times. So while you may not experience that exact same tingle, you can choose to recognize and revere every first as unique and sacred.

The path of mindfulness is the path of the Buddha, and being here in Nepal where Buddhism is so very prevalent, interwoven gracefully with Hinduism, I feel particularly charged and plugged into mindfulness practices in a near effortless way. The sacred is non-different from the secular here in this corner of the world, which to me makes it much easier to have the clarity and presence of mind that truly allow for veneration of each and every moment.

Here monks and nuns weave through the crowds with tourists and locals, all of us going about our business while flowing along a common current. Morning time around Boudha Stupa, where I am staying, is a beautiful display of reverie. It's a parade of prayer beads, wheels and flags sending their vibrations out into the ether, Tibetan rites being performed, incense burning, offerings made, mantras chanted. This isn't a special occasion. It's not a holiday. It's everyday. It's life. And life IS sacred. Life is worthy of being present for. Yet so many of us are not.

I include myself in that "so many" much of the time because it is just so easy to go on autopilot. For instance, how many times have I walked or driven somewhere, glued to my phone or some other distraction, and literally not known how it is that I got from A to B? On how many occasions have I taken a loved one for granted, or not recognized a blessing that lays right before my eyes?

The other night as I was walking back to my hotel, I stepped outside and the first thing I did was gaze up between the buildings to the darkened sky, marveling at the brilliance of the stars. Kathmandu is a valley with its fair share of smog, so it struck me to see the night sky clear enough for such a beautiful display. The stars twinkled brightly and just about half a moon lit up the vastness. Then as I approached the Stupa, I stood for a moment to take a mental picture of how it looks lit up with candles against the near black backdrop of night, a stark contrast from its daytime facade of sun-drenched whitewash.

These were little firsts for me. I've never seen the stars from Kathmandu before and I may never again for all I know. Even if I walk out to the Stupa at the exact same time another evening, it simply will not and cannot be exactly the same as that night. In fact, tonight it is adorned with strings of electric lights, looking even more spectacular, though still not the same as that first time. Just being mindful of that fact imbues me with a sense of presence and gratitude that fills my heart.

Now the work is to be just as mindful of the mundane as well. Can I rise to the challenge of appreciating the sanctity of life's little moments when I'm not standing on holy ground under a breathtaking sky in a foreign country? Can I literally dance with joy over a hot shower and electricity on demand when I'm back in a place where both are readily available to me 24/7?

With mindfulness I know I can.

I've learned to cultivate gratitude as a practice, and as more time goes by, the more effortless giving thanks becomes. Mindfulness and gratitude go hand in hand. When you are truly aware of the sacred blessings you are receiving every moment of every day just by simply being alive, how can you be anything other than grateful? Yet, while mindfulness fosters an all-encompassing gratitude, selective gratitude is not the same as all-encompassing mindfulness. That is the practice I seek to delve deeper into.

Namaste.

Krsna's Love

That I haven't the slightest clue what day it is really says something about how easily I've slid into this beautiful break from the reality I know. The journey to India feels like it was ages ago, though I know I've been here less than a week I believe. Filling those days with the sounds, sights, tastes and smells of this land that is at once so familiar and so unknown has me lost in the conventional sense of time and place.

A big part of why I love traveling to other countries is that it makes it effortless for me to suspend my judgements and presuppositions. There is no sizing people up when you haven't a clue about cultural norms. There is no clinging to what should be once you've committed to opening up to what simply is. So despite the constant stimulation and the packed schedule I've been keeping since arriving here, I feel relaxed in a way I seldom experience back at home. . . a particular mental relaxation that comes from letting go.

I've relaxed into the mood of Krsna, this particular pilgrimage very much focused on deepening my connection to this Beloved form of the Divine. Years ago, I began my spiritual journey on a different branch of the path, an impersonal one stemming from a Shaivist tradition. But the further along I've come, the more I've been exposed to, Bhakti has taken over and an impersonal relationship with the Divine simply doesn't resonate with my heart. When I chant and pray, I am calling out to my Beloved or to my Mother, not to abstract representations of the Universal Consciousness. I am yearning for union, connection. I am calling out to Krsna, reaching out for the Divine Mataji, and my call has been answered by bringing me here.

I began in Puri, sacred home of the Jagannath temple where Krsna is worshipped in a state of explosive, expansive love. And now I am in Mayapur at the ISCKON Kirtan Mela, which is basically like being at the Vatican of Krsna Consciousness for a massive sacred music festival. I also happen to be on the banks of the river Ganga, Holy Mother, so both of my heart's deepest understandings of the Divine are embodied here. I'm immersed in a sea of devotion, and in that sea there is no place and time. There is only Love.

If you disconnect from that Love, the noise, crowds, dirt, etc. can overwhelm you and you might find yourself very much in a place and time that feels unpleasant, even confrontational. It's a lot to be somewhere that seems so radically different from the comfortable Western world we know. But when you see and feel the Love in all, when you understand that everyone and everything are representations of the same divinity, the world becomes impossibly beautiful. The sea of devotion is infinite and letting go into its currents propels you forward toward bliss.

For me, bliss is being so merged with the vibration of a kirtan that no one voice or instrument is separate from all the rest and every sound melds together into the purest harmony. It's feeling embraced by that collective vibration, plugged into the sweetest emotion, knowing that the Divine hears your call. Yesterday, despite having gotten sick and feeling quite weak and tired, I sat for hours in the temple soaking in that very energy. I knew there was nowhere better I could possibly be. And I felt like my strongest, healthiest self when we moved into the center of the kirtan hall and I was so totally lost, yet so totally held, by the ecstatic expression of thousands of devotees calling out to Krsna. There is no remedy like bliss.

This journey has been a revelation for me. I realize that I was holding onto guilt about straying from the original branch of the spiritual path I'd been walking. When I started in the Sivananda yoga lineage some 7 years ago, I clung to it like a life raft because I needed something bigger than myself to hold onto and it was there. Aside from a yoga asana practice, Sivananda introduced me to mantra, japa, pujas, arati, all the ritualistic aspects that I so love. I was first exposed to kirtan through Sivananda and Sivaratri in 2009 was my first experience of staying up all night chanting to the Divine, experiencing for myself the magnificence of being immersed by the energy of hundreds of souls calling out in a space of Love.

As I've continued forward on my path, evolved as an individual, softened and healed pieces of me along the way, I found myself less aligned with other aspects of the Sivananda lineage, while simultaneously feeling so at home among the Krsna family. Reconciling this took time. It almost felt like cheating on my partner. Just as fidelity and loyalty are things I prize in my intimate relationships, I value them in this aspect too. So it has taken a long time for me to make peace with the fact that this isn't a case of infidelity. This is a case of me having progressed to a place where I know my heart far better than I ever could have when it was shrouded under layers of pain and suffering. My heart wants nothing more than to Love. That is my True nature. There is no other way. And to me, calling out to Krsna is the ultimate manifestation.

So here I sit, early morning, surrounded by nature, morning prayers carried over loudspeakers, Ganga at my back, ISKCON in front of me, Divine Love all around me. In losing my sense of place and time, I've found that I am in EXACTLY the right place and this is EXACTLY the right time. No guilt. No regret. No shame. Only Love. Only Krsna. And by seeing him in all, loving and serving him in all, I know deep in my heart that I cannot help but walk the path of my Truth.

Jai Sri Krsna!!!

Home, Redefined

Another chapter is being written as once again I am setting off for Mother India, traveling east toward a land that draws me in with magnetic force like none other. As a seeker on the path, which I have very much considered myself to be, India had been calling. Just a little more than a year ago I was making this journey for the first time, heading to Delhi to begin my pilgrimage in this magical place. I remember feeling so bold, striking out on my own to a place unknown, a touch of trepidation mixed in with overwhelming excitement. Now that India and I have a personal relationship, and I know with every fiber of my being how much I adore her, I feel like I'm heading home even though I am set to explore all new parts of her glorious being. I will arrive in Kolkata, spend time in Puri and Mayapur, then head north to Nepal for a few days. these are hardly places I can call home in the traditional sense, yet I know the feeling will be present.

Home is an interesting concept for me right now. For the first time ever I don't have one, in the technical sense anyway. If home is where the heart is, as that lovely little saying goes, I could argue that I make my home wherever I go. Or I could say my home is as scattered around the globe as the ones I hold dear. Perhaps it's where my immediate biological family resides in northern California, though I've never actually lived there. I guess the closest thing I have to the common understanding of home is a house in south Florida where my beloved is staying, along with some of my worldly possessions, in between travels.

A few days ago I moved out of the townhouse I'd been calling home for four and a half years. I'd dubbed it my bachelorette pad when I moved there following the end of my marriage, and it served me so very well in that regard. I created a space that was my own, both physically and energetically. I got to know myself in that house, and through a process that involved a lot of breaking down to build back up, I healed, grew and emerged as an ever-more authentic version of myself. It wasn't always pretty and it definitely wasn't always easy, but who said the seeker's path is supposed to be? I wrote a very profound chapter of my life in that house, and learned that as you seek, so you shall find.

Now that house is no longer mine and that chapter has come to a close. I no longer have need for it. My work there is done. This journey to India marks the start of a journey into a newly anointed partnership with a man I love in ways I didn't even know to dream possible, and with him, I will make my home on the road, for a while anyway, as we set off to travel to places near and far. He, the professional gypsy as I like to say, and me, the professional who has only dabbled in gypsy life, are co-authoring now, and home is truly where the heart is.

A piece of my heart is flying east through the night sky, and a piece is with him since this particular portion of the journey is one I am making alone. Since January 1st, when we came into each others' worlds, colliding with considerable force and changing the paradigm for us both, we've been together far more than we've been apart. And that will certainly be the case for quite a while to come. But for the next two weeks, I will be on one side of the globe, he on the other, each traveling to a different land and having our own adventure.

When I reflect back on how I felt in past relationships, there was an insecurity present that would have had me uncomfortable with this sort of separation, especially so early on. That isn't something I'm proud to admit, especially since I've long believed myself to be very secure and solid in who I am. But in retrospect, I must acknowledge those pieces of me that had gotten broken along the way, and the relationships I attracted into my life in order to reveal and heal them. Partners I didn't feel completely secure with were a part of that experience. I needed to learn to feel wholly safe in and of myself in order to feel that with someone else. And I am finally there. What an amazing place to be!

One of the things I most adore about my beloved is his integrity. My sense of security in this relationship comes from the work I've done on me, yet it is also being handsomely rewarded by having a partner who lovingly creates that for me. Since the very first moments of our connection, every single thing he has said, he has done. He has shown himself to be a man of his word, and to be a man unafraid to make big, bold statements, not only in word, but deed as well. It's not for everyone to enter so quickly and deeply into a love like this. It's not for everyone to live outside the box and commit to building the kind of world many of us say we want to live in, but really only dream about. It's not for everyone to allow themselves to be seen, raw, real and vulnerable, by the eyes of another. And so he is not for everyone. He is for me, and I for him.

Firmly grounded in this Truth, I travel with lightness in my heart, peace permeating my every cell. I am no longer seeking where love is concerned. I have found what my heart yearned for, and that has awakened me to new possibilities. I feel so wholly secure in this love regardless of physical proximity because it is alive within me all the time. Whatever wounds we are meant to heal together, whatever lessons we are meant to learn, this is not one of them. This we already know. All we need and want to do where love is concerned is spread it around with limitless generosity.

Knowing that I am love and I am loved, I make my return to the land that I love, ready for whatever this adventure has to offer. I eagerly await a spiritual infusion as I occupy sacred spaces, keep company with conscious souls and spend my days as a living, breathing offering of devotion to the Divine. And whatever I am meant to both give and receive during these couple of weeks, I trust fully that it is all for the highest good of not only myself, but my beloved and all beings everywhere. When you align with the Truth, you align with the knowledge that all that happens is conspiring toward the highest good of the Universe.

So be it. And so it is.