Back with my Beloved

I am here, again, back in India, experiencing the madness and the magic that is her trademark. She is a land of extremes, a land of oxymorons and sometimes-strange juxtapositions, of opulence alongside filth, aloneness felt among a throng of people, a sense of going slowly amidst constant chaos. She is a land I love, and like all love, it changes over time.

Returning to her for my third visit, we meet with the awkward familiarity of lovers who’ve been apart for a while. She knows how to receive me now, and I her, yet there’s an adjustment period, feeling each other out slowly even as we embrace fervently. I dive into her, hungry for the taste of her signature sweetness, then pull back, quickly intoxicated and unsteady from the drunkenness. In sleep it takes me time to adjust to her, crashing from the sheer exhaustion of all it took to reach her and the daylight hours spent taking her in voraciously only to awaken frequently in the night as if I were newly sharing my bed again.

So it was this time around, different than the times before. It took me pretty much all of my first five days in Mumbai to begin to feel like myself with her. It actually took me leaving Mumbai to head for higher elevations, cleaner air and clearer skies, a true Indian hill station retreat, for me to wake up feeling properly grounded and truly present for my beloved.

Like all women who know their worth, she demands I be fully present for her. Only then will she open to me and really let me in.

And she has. She opened to me and bid me welcome into a realm that feels quite like heaven on earth.

I write this from Govardhan Ecovillage, a most inspiring and precious sanctuary of devotion to Mother Bhumi, Mother Earth. After hearing of the incredible work being done here thanks to the wise and loving vision of Radhanath Swami, a much-adored leader of the ISKCON community, I knew I had to come and see it myself. This year has been largely marked by my initiation into permaculture, living in community and a profound deepening of my spiritual path. While I am not a devotee of this lineage, I have been fortunate to spend many a memorable moment in the sweet company of members of the Hare Krishna community, so being among them here is easy and comfortable for me. Being with my beloved Bhumi is effortless ecstasy. It is here that I can finally be fully present to India. It is here that I feel I can simply be.

I realized while in Mumbai that despite genuinely appreciating and enjoying the sights I visited, the temples I prayed in and the encounters I had, I wasn’t fully there. I’ve gotten very easily adjusted living in close proximity to nature in my new home in the redwoods and hilly terrain of northern California. Being in such a metropolitan environment, even one surrounded by the sea like Mumbai, forces me to close off parts of myself without my even realizing it. That partial shutdown doesn’t allow me to be totally available to anything or anyone. I need nature, Bhumi, my true love, to feel whole. That’s quite a revelation for a girl who has lived her entire life in a city.

Driving to GEV, even as I fought back carsickness bouncing along roads in desperate need of repair that are typical of rural India, I felt a sense of calm coming over my body and mind. The embrace of the Sahyadri Mountains surrounding me, the lush green from so many trees, the brilliance of blue in the midday sky and the sounds of birds singing sweetly were all balm to my soul. I’d glimpsed that feeling in moments in the days prior – exploring the stunning caves and carvings of Shiva on Elephanta Island and meditating in solitude in the breathtaking Vipassanna Global Pagoda – but they were fleeting, and the knowledge that I would settle here for a few days put me at ease.

There’s a sensitivity to my system that I didn’t feel during my prior encounters with this great love of mine. She’s been working on me even while I was away, furthering my initiation to her wondrous ways, casting her spell. She’s making me more discerning and challenging me to uphold her highest standards in situations that are at times tricky to navigate. Again, it is her demand of my full presence, and she is testing me to ensure my worthiness.

Yet I clearly understand that I am not proving my worth to her. No.  She already knows me better than I know myself. And so these tests are for me. All of this is so I come to know my own worth, my own truth and to understand not only what I’m made of but also what I’m made for. This whole love affair is an elaborate teaching, and I, the eager student, bow humbly at my guru’s feet.

I feel full of adoration and awe, full of excitement to be back with her, my teacher, my lover, my mother, my India. This leg of the journey has only just begun, and yet I know it will be the most powerful and potent one yet. I am in deeper communion with her than ever before, intent on opening fully as a channel for Her grace to flow through- that is why I came. So the “why” is clear. The “what” is the mystery set to unfold as I travel on.

From Nowhere to Now Here

My fisted hands are now open palms. It's been years of prying this grasp loose, and finally it has happened. It hurts deeply, the stiffness and aching from so much pressure. I let go. I cultivate trust. I believe in Love. The pain will subside. This I know is True.

Shakti is awakening. It's time.

I wrote these words the other day sitting in a space beyond our common constructs of place and time. I wrote them from Now Here, which has no understanding of past or future for this space is Infinite, always was and always will be. This space exists in my heart and is made of my Soul. This is the space of Truth.

After so much energy invested in "soul searching" for so long, I recently found myself face to face with what I had been searching for, even if it didn’t look exactly as I’d imagined. My Soul longed for freedom of movement, travel and exploring new places to call home. I’ve now taken up residence in my third time zone in as many months and feel strongly called toward planting myself here for a while. My Soul longed for creative expression. I’ve made the bold move of redefining my work life to devote more of myself to pursuits and offerings that nurture my Shakti flow, my creative essence. My Soul longed for an enlightened partnership. I’ve had the privilege of loving and being loved by someone so conscious that together we started and ended our relationship in sacred Tantric ritual, and uphold our commitment to the others’ evolution and well being as much as our own whether we’re together or apart.

Home. Job. Relationship. Picture a three-legged stool, with each of these holding up the seat, and the seat is Sense of Self. Most of us define ourselves by these external factors and they uphold the image we project outwardly as well as identify with inwardly. I just chopped the legs off my stool inside the span of a few short months, and now all I’m left to sit in is the seat of Self. I’m left with the chance to feel into Who I AM. And by the Grace of Goddess, I know all I AM left with is absolutely enough.

When I wrote those words the other day, I had just finished enjoying some much needed rest and rejuvenation at the Sivananda ashram in Grass Valley, CA, consoling my weary heart and clearing my cluttered mind after a lot of upheaval in the weeks, really months, prior. I needed the solace of nature and the spiritual community that has held me for so many years. I communed in sweet silence with Ganesha, Krsna, Siva and Durga. I chanted their Holy names with all the love and devotion in my heart. I poured out pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and revelations into my journal and ultimately in messages to the Beloved who was not mine to have anymore for we had come to a crossroads and chose different paths.

I began to glimpse the sense of clarity I'd yearned for, yet the Truth of that precise moment before those words came was things weren’t clear at all. That I had no idea of where to call home, how I would earn a living and whether or not a loving, intimate partnership made to go the distance was in my destiny had me in a state of flux. I had been working hard to establish myself in the space of Now Here, and it seemed I was making real progress until I heard my former Beloved’s voice on the line and felt the surge of hazy emotion threaten to overtake me, dragging me down to Nowhere.

Nowhere is most certainly not where I choose to be. I choose to be Now Here.

So I entered Now Here’s glorious gates. I was sitting outside the home of a Soul sister and mentor who I had been called to connect with, and who, by the Grace of Goddess, had heard the call too and answered it. In preparation for this auspicious meeting I channeled the flow of Shakti in me, moving Her abundant goodness through me with my breath, feeling every cell of my being soften as the vibration of Om came forth. Healing comes from the heart. Healing comes from within.

In the span of time we spent together, this sister of my Soul helped bring me to the undeniable recognition that I had landed exactly where I asked to be all along. I had brought my Self to this space of Now Here, and from it I could time travel into my “future” at will, feel into and see what it looks like to be living the life my Soul is truly meant for. I had a visceral experience with the relativity of time, understanding it as the arbitrary construct it is. There was nothing more to search for. It is all Now Here. 

Many nuances of the path I tread are still unknown to me. Many alternative routes exist for my choosing. Many chances to relearn and relive this sort of experience are likely to present themselves as I continue forward, occasionally crossing the line back into familiar Nowhere, only so I may continue strengthening my commitment to being Now Here. I accept and embrace all of this for I know the hardest part is over. I let go of my iron grip and opened myself to receive the Grace I was born for. Shakti is awake and alive in me. Now is her time. Here is her place. I AM ready, come what may.

Wings

Cool air caresses my skin as my heart pumps warmth steadily through my chest. I stand under the glow of the gloriously full moon, in awe of her power, aware of her pull, a mantra of new beginnings passing through my lips. I shiver, whether from the breeze or a premonition I can’t be sure. Both are equally real to me.

The breeze blows change into my atmosphere, filling me first with the unsettled yet enticing feeling of chaos that precedes all meaningful transformation. I take it in like I would a breath of fresh air after being held under water. It stings a bit even as it tastes of salvation. I gasp hungrily. I fight for a life worth living.  I am ready.

The premonition: I feel in my bones just as strongly as in my soul this change is truly significant. It’s been a long time coming. There have been many partial attempts, many false starts. There has been trepidation, fear and my inner critic holding me captive, keeping me smaller than I truly am. I have hurt myself and hurt those that I love as I’ve stayed mired in this self-imposed struggle. I am moving beyond all that now. I am ready.

Honoring the Goddess, the Mother, the Divine Feminine has been my path for so long. I took Durga as my deity, Gauri as my name many years ago, never imagining the form my worship would take, the place it would bring me to. Here, now, I know there is no separation from “them” and “me” so I must worship myself. I am Shakti incarnate, Devi on this earthly plane. I revere myself as an embodiment of spirit, a vehicle for Light to shine through. I am pulling back the curtains now. I am ready to reveal myself.

The revelation unfolds like rolling waves upon the shore, varied in size and intensity yet constant. I come to know myself more with each breath, tear and smile, each perceived loss and gain. When I ache with the deepest of pain or soar with the purest of ecstasy, I am revealing myself, to me and to the world, more and more. As I go along I recognize the identity I’ve put forth, the hats I’ve worn and the roles I’ve played prior pale in comparison to the full depth and scope of my Divine Being.

I’ve stayed hidden and small behind unhealthy patterns: money earned without passion, obligations fulfilled without pleasure, Truth heard without listening. No more. The Goddess does not play small, settle or sell herself short. The Goddess transcends shame, doubt and judgment, standing in Her full power in all ways.

So here I stand, light of the moon upon me, light of my heart shining, ready to shed what no longer serves me. I stand naked, ready to be seen in my vulnerability just as much as my Divinity.  I stand on the edge, knowing that the jump always looks more daunting from here than it is once you’re on your way. The hardest part is taking that leap and trusting the Universal energy to support you. Naked though I may be, I have full faith that once I step off, I will be cloaked with the wings I need to fly.