Entering into silence

I awoke early today under the light of the moon, me who is a child of the light. Rather than sunbeams reflecting off rolling hills while birds sing their morning song, I was greeted by the spotlight-like intensity of the glowing moon, just shy of her fullness, blazing a beam of insight through the dark night sky. No birds called to me. There was only stillness and quiet. What better metaphor for the journey I am about to enter into.

Today I depart to enter into silence. Today I will turn away from the oh-so-many outer distractions, indulgences and influences that fill my vision and play upon my energy to take a journey inward. Today I will silence my phone, silence my to-do list and silence all that exists outside of me in an attempt to reach something akin to silence within. I will cast most of my life into darkness and focus my beam of light on my inner world just like the moon piercing the vast blackness of night.

I’ll be sitting for my first-ever vipassana meditation retreat. And if the word retreat conjures images of luxury and pampering, you are mistaken. By all accounts this practice is quite austere. Sparse, simple meals and accommodations, just the bare minimum to support you while your days are spent largely in stillness and with almost total outer silence.  No eye contact. No conversation. No reading, chanting mantras, prayer beads, yoga asana or journal writing. Basically everything I do in the course of my normal daily spiritual practice must be put aside and everyone I turn to for sharing and support must be cut off in order for me to commit to this experience. I am easing in with a day of nature, then comes ten days of dedicated vipassana practice followed by a final day of words and outer engagement being reintroduced before returning home.  

 You may be wondering why on earth I’d voluntarily choose this for myself. So am I.

I woke up this morning with a runny nose and an itch in my throat having gone to bed feeling 110% fine last night, a sure sign of my body protesting my heart’s decision. I’ve gone through the mental checklist of all the things I’ll be missing out on while I’m away, weighing them on a proverbial scale against the very substantial weight of this undertaking.  And I’ve already begun to feel the wave of contraction creep through me as emotions such as fear, intimidation and worry arise in the face of this profound experience.

And that is exactly why I’m going.

I’ve taken some major leaps toward the things that I’m afraid of lately, and yet I know I’m not done. Maybe I won’t be done after vipassana either, but my gut and intuition both tell me I must do this regardless. When I refer to my gut, I’m referring to my lower chakras, and when I refer to my intuition, I’m referring to my higher chakras. That they are all aligned behind this choice is all the confirmation I need to take yet another leap. Only this time, unlike some of the recent leaps I’ve taken that were actually away from certain things that were no longer of service to my highest vision of myself, this time I’m leaping right into the fire so I can be burned away and arise anew. This is my phoenix moment.

I’ve conditioned myself to be quite masterful at moving through emotions I don’t want to feel. Get knocked down? Not for long. Dust it off, stand a little taller than before, keep moving. That’s me. Resilient. Brave. Strong.  Yet there is a piece of me who carries those bruises and scars. There is a place inside where I am the shadow of who I show myself to be most of the time. Reticent. Fearful. Weak.

I don’t want to be fragmented any longer. So I’m going within to claim these pieces of myself and integrate them into the whole for I know that it is only in my wholeness, in the whole of my pain as well as my pleasure, that my full passion and purpose can pour through.

I am claiming the child within seeking approval and a sense of safety. I am claiming the woman who longs to be held in loving, lasting partnership. I am claiming the mother who aches to know the ultimate act of creation and service. I am claiming the priestess who has held herself back and kept herself small. I am claiming the author who has yet to commit to letting her voice be heard. I am claiming the friend who desires to get as good as she gives. I am claiming my grief, sadness, loneliness, pettiness, weakness, anger, lust, greed, yearning and everything else that lives in the darkness of my shadow, claiming it so I can bring it forward to become one with my light.

This sense of separation I’ve lived with, that most of us live with, is a prison. It keeps us locked away from the fullness and richness of our lives.  The truth is I actually love my life and recognize the abundance of blessings in it already. So imagine how it would be then to grow that love and increase that abundance by bringing ALL of me forth into the light of my life? And if I can manage that, how sweet will it be to eliminate any sense of separation between me and all my brothers and sisters, the flora and fauna, and the Mother who birthed us all?

My journey into silence will not be easy. I anticipate feeling pain on every possible level. I’d be lying if I said I’m fully prepared for that because how can I be? I’ve never done this before. I have no way of knowing just what will arise throughout these ten days. I know what my intention for this experience is. I know I have the power to choose my reaction to this experience, just as I can choose what it is I need to burn away in the fire of purification so that I may arise anew.  So I choose integration. I choose wholeness. I choose to bring darkness into light. I choose a life lived fully and authentically. I choose my phoenix moment. 

See you on the other side!

Release and fall away

The energy of this moment is potent, so very potent. The Autumn Equinox has just brought us forth into a season of harvesting bounty and shedding leaves. A new moon is close upon us, always a time of renewal and focused intention. It is Rosh Hashannah, the new year of the Jewish calendar, and Navaratri, the nine nights of the Divine Mother for Hindus. The confluence of these occasions stirs me from within, sparking surges of insight in my mind, rolling waves of pranic force in my body and a tender sweetness in my heart as I honor and revere the sacred wisdom and traditions associated with them.

We are all children of Mother Nature, and as her children we live by her rhythms and cycles. For something new to begin, something else must end.  Energy is infinite, and we do not create or destroy it so much as channel and transmute it. So it is with the seasons and the phases of the moon. So it is with seasons and phases of our lives.

As I have been reflecting on this delicate and powerful portal we are passing through right now, a question came to me, a gift from the Universe. A friend posed it to me, asking with rawness and earnestness, as a love that has long been dying seems to have finally met its end. “How much heartbreak can one heart take?” she asked.

My answer flowed immediately, and its timeliness was as immediately apparent. “Your heart will take as many breaks as your soul needs to experience. Your soul is limitless strength and utter tenderness and everything in between, experiencing itself through this most human of pains,” was my reply.

And so it is. Whether heartbreak or heart opening, sadness or joy, we experience what we need to experience as many times as is necessary for our soul’s journey.

We live season to season, phase to phase, moment to moment and breath to breath. One gives way to another as we cycle through the encounters and experiences that sometimes feel oppressively repetitive so we may learn, or better, remember, whatever it is our soul needs. The moon doesn’t complain of its constant cycling. The seasons don’t tire of coming around again year after year. So why then do we take issue with living through the same emotions again? And of course these are select emotions. Have you heard someone complain of being too happy for too long? Likely not. But too sad for too long, too scared for too long, that is a common complaint among us.  

Just as there is more darkness than light during the days of fall and winter than spring and summer, there come times in our lives when we are meant to experience pain. Pain is a precious teacher. We sense our very vitality through it, but more, we cultivate qualities such as empathy and compassion, as well as come to understand how we can better chart our course in life through periods of pain. Then, when the cycle of pain comes to its end, we are equipped to move forward with grace and more fully enjoy the pleasure, joy and light of the spring and summer seasons of our lives.

Where many of us go astray is in attaching suffering to our pain. That is neither the soul’s desire nor its intention. The ego is at play when we suffer, clinging fiercely to that which no longer serves us. Yet if we could be like leaves on a tree in autumn and allow ourselves to release and fall away, rather than holding on tight, we would experience the divine beauty and blessing of our pain without the bitter edge that suffering brings. Like fallen leaves we would use those emotions and experiences to enrich the soil of our lives, making it fertile for the seeds we plant so they may grow and blossom as fully and heartily as possible. 

  

Release and fall away, Dear One. Drop down into the lap of the Mother and be held. Let the energy of the new moon infuse you with her essence. Prepare for the harvest lovingly, openly, so that you may reap the purest seeds of your soul when the time comes. Be renewed. Be reborn. Be.

Namaste.

I AM

I am an explorer. I like to set off on journeys, travel to places unknown, immerse myself in languages, scents and sounds that are unfamiliar, attune myself to the local vibration. This has fueled my passion for visiting foreign countries, and it is also why I am so intrigued by inner journeys, spiritual quests. There is an endless amount of mystery and wonder within each of us, so even though I’ve been physically traveling almost non-stop for the last several months, the most significant exploration of all has been to places unknown, or at least forgotten, within myself.

At the start of this year a few pivotal events transpired that set the stage for this particular adventure, so allow me to share the backstory: On New Years Day I met a man who stirred something in my soul that I’d never felt before, and cliché though it may sound, I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that this was something major. The following day he facilitated my formal introduction to the path of Tantra, which was one of those sun rays shining, angels singing, ah-hah moments as I finally had a framework and a vocabulary for the direction my heart and soul had been moving in all along.  Years of practicing hatha yoga, which is also a Tantric path, coupled with exploring my spirituality and sexuality, had me tiptoeing around the edges, but now I’d finally crossed the threshold. The day after that, we marked the beginning of a new seven-year cycle for him, celebrating his birthday and fanning the flames of a serious spark between us. I can count on both hands the number of days it took for that spark to become a burning fire, and it wasn’t all that long after that we solidified our commitment to journey deeper down the path hand in hand and heart to heart. So when he told me his immediate path would take him to his family’s land in northeast Alabama for a few months, I told him I wanted to go too. Something profound had been set in motion between us, and I wasn’t prepared to stop the momentum with a prolonged separation. Simple as that.

It turns out, much of what has occurred since has been anything but simple.  Getting here might have been easy, but being here simply has not been simple. When two seekers on the path fall in step with one another, you can be certain there is significant work to be done between them. It will be an exploration of epic proportions. Whether the relationship is that of a teacher and a student, family, friends or lovers, this kind of connection is based on soul contracts, commitments made to one another at a level beyond conscious understanding, designed to facilitate expansion and ascension. It’s the journey of a lifetime, or many lifetimes, and it is all about growth. And as with all growth, there are bound to be growing pains. Let’s just say I have been all sorts of achy recently!

As I’ve delved Tantra, I’ve been digging deep into the recesses of my heart, seeking out the trauma stored in my body, unearthing the unhealed wounds that cause me to lash out when triggered, with the aim of liberating myself from them. If you thought Tantra was all about prolonged orgasms, think again. Sure you can have those, eventually, but that is far from the sole focus. Tantra is about Self love and celebrating your own Divinity. It is the balanced, harmonious union of masculine and feminine. It is about intimacy and compassion. But in order to get to what it’s really about, you have to go through your story, your pain. And if you’re doing this work in partnership, you’re going to be faced with your beloved’s story and pain too. You’re going to trigger and be triggered. The ecstasy and joy commonly associated with Tantra are unquestionably part of it too, as these are our True nature. Yet most of us are extremely far removed from that, so it takes serious work to get there. And when I say work, I mean down, dirty, heavy lifting kind of work. So be prepared . . . it’s likely going to hurt, for a while anyway.

My hurt is quite vicious. It unsheathes itself in the form heavy criticism, biting words, a barrage of judgments, and masterful manipulations. My hurt is also quite cunning, as is true for most. It projects onto others, casting blame outward to avoid looking, and feeling, inward. My hurt pours heavy sadness, anxiety and frustration upon me, pinning me down with its weight so I do not feel free to move energy as needed. My hurt insists on being seen, heard and felt, and will go to great lengths, breaking me down, bringing me to inconsolable tears and overwhelming grief, punishment for myself and those around me. My hurt is not pretty.

But I am.

I AM.

I AM Shakti, the Divine feminine, glorious, radiant, benevolent being. It is high time I remembered this and stopped identifying with my hurt.

I am not my hurt. This I know to be True. My hurt is a story, albeit a convincing, moving, powerful one, but it is still just a story. Tantra teaches us to uncover our stories and see them for what they really are so we can transcend them. It is a path to healing, and when you’re hurting, healing is exactly what is needed. In the last month I’d gotten to the point where practically all I knew and all I saw was the hurt. Moments of clarity arose in between, and I genuinely showed up as my joyful Goddess self in them, but they’d fade far too quickly. I came dangerously close to losing sight altogether of the fact that I’d embarked on this journey to facilitate healing and Self-discovery. Very gratefully, my beloved hadn’t lost sight of this, and insisted that something had to shift. He loved himself enough and had enough clarity of mind to be firm in this Truth. My story resisted at first, but it was a feeble attempt. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and deep down I knew he was completely right. So I listened, and I shifted.

When you’re hurting, you seek consolation and relief, and that is exactly what I am doing right now. I’m actually not in Alabama as I write this. I shifted to Tennessee, Chattanooga to be precise, since that is the closest city for me to find the familiar comforts and conveniences I’ve been craving- yoga studios, people I could connect with as contemporaries, Whole Foods, cafes, bustling energy. I needed these comforts and conveniences to help me create a refuge in which I could come home to myself and heal. Though this is a city I’m just getting to know and that aspect speaks to the traveler in me, the real reason I’m spending the week in a little apartment I rented here is to reconnect to my original intention of Self-exploration. Funny that I embarked on this journey largely because I felt physical proximity to my beloved was essential to my growth only to find that being apart from him is the exact thing I need right now.

No sooner had I settled in here, taken a couple of yoga classes and unwound with a steamy shower and an Ayurvedic self massage, the story subsided and a stream of Truth started pouring through me onto the pages of my journal. All this time, all this suffering and heartache, I was the responsible party! I’d set off on a journey of Self-love but somehow lost my way and was severely neglecting myself. Of course, I didn’t see it this way while I was in the thick of things. My story was that someone else was to blame, so I blamed my beloved and our surroundings, never really stopping to give proper to consideration to how I was showing up, or not, for myself. I knew I was behaving poorly with my stressed out, emotional antics, but what I overlooked was how I was responding and whether or not I was properly caring for myself in the face of them.

So this week has been all about self care. I committed to showering myself with total love and remembering who I AM and why I am here. Shakti is Love, nurturing essence, compassion and gentility, and I AM Shakti. As Shakti, I must love every single facet of my being, the child within who has been wounded, the woman who has been neglected, and the goddess who has been forgotten. As Shakti I speak to myself with loving kindness, total compassion and sincerity, looking myself in the eyes as I do, no judgment, total acceptance. As Shakti I commit to daily meditation, chanting and asana practice, yummy, nourishing foods, massages and pampering, making new friends. As Shakti I make myself the #1 priority and focus on rekindling the most important love affair I will ever have: the one with myself.

This may sound fundamental and obvious, yet I know I’m certainly not alone in doing the opposite despite knowing better. We all know the adage that you cannot love another unless you truly love yourself, and yet so many of us, women in particular, do not uphold this. We neglect ourselves, often under the guise of seemingly benevolent intentions, such as focusing that energy instead on the ones we love. We give and give of ourselves, depleting our resources, often without being asked, and then we build resentment when we don’t receive in equal measure. The paradox there is that most of us don’t even know how to receive in equal measure. We’ve never really tried. The only way to learn this is to start by giving to ourselves. Tantra teaches this. Take the journey inward. Remember who you truly are, figure out what you truly enjoy, and ensure every aspect of your life is set up in support of this.

There is nothing selfish about this. To the contrary, a woman who showers herself with love is a woman living in abundance, and she will naturally have more to share with others. When she fills her cup with nurturing and joy, it is nurturing and joy that spills over to those around her. I’d forgotten this. I’d bought into a story I was telling myself that said being a martyr was the way to go and blaming others was justified. Not so. The journey of moving past my stories, through my pain and into my Truth has led me to This, Here, Now, and I AM so very grateful.

This: the recognition of myself as Shakti, a goddess to be showered with love

Here: in a safe and sacred space created for myself

Now: this present moment

Thank Goddess for this revelatory remembrance, and for abundance enough to share it. Namaste.

Growing Pains

Over the last several months there seem to have been definite winds of change breezing through my life and the lives of many people around me. Maybe you have noticed it too among your own circle. What with the changing of the season, Mercury coming out of retrograde and, on the particular weekend that I am writing this entry, a full moon, it is no wonder that change has been in the air. There is a shift, to be sure, and it seems like it is ultimately a positive one, but getting to the good stuff isn't always straightforward and simple. To the contrary, many of us have to experience some very real growing pains to get there.

I'll speak for myself and from my own experience, since that is what I'm here to do after all. I've been growing up. It has been a largely intentional process, seeing as how, with the multiple significant changes in my life in the last few years, I made a conscious decision to get to know myself better and cultivate certain qualities while ridding myself of others. How this would all take shape, how long it would take, etc. I did not know. I simply hoped that by turning toward a spiritual practice, people, books and activities that embody the patience, mindfulness, compassion, courage, strength, independence, state of gratitude and so on that I, myself, want to embody, sooner or later they'd begin to rub off, and I'd become more of the woman I wished to be.

It is very gratifying to see this starting to happen. It is particularly awesome to have people who's opinions I regard highly give me unsolicited feedback on their perception of the changes in me, the softening, the opening, the growth. It's all quite amazing, really, but what it has not been is easy. And the fact of the matter is that it continues to not be easy to this very day.

I woke up the other morning with the Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want" playing in my head, completely befitting the mood I've been in lately. I've had some very clear ideas about what I want from my life, and by the grace of the Universe, many of these wants have been realized. A large circle of incredible friends, excellent health, a successful career, amazing work-life balance. Perhaps not surprisingly, high on my list of wants after finding myself single was to fall in love again. I wasn't sure if it was possible to do so with the complete abandon that I did the first time around, now that I'm older, wiser and, let's face it, a little more skeptical after having had my heart broken, but I certainly hoped that I would be swept off my feet and find myself back in a fairy tale for a while. I'd venture to say that most of us girls, whether we say it out loud or not, want that. We want to be cherished, have attention and affection lavished on us, be made to feel like we are the only girl in the world by the man we love.

But there is a catch. I have been very conscious of doing my best to cultivate my independence and to set the stage for the kind of healthy, balanced relationship I want to have in my life. The last thing I want to be is needy or clingy, and I absolutely do not want to drastically change my life for a new relationship since I have worked very hard to get it to such a great place. So while I want to be the princess in a story of true love, what I need is turning out to be a little different it seems. I need someone who has his own life that he doesn't want to substantially change and who isn't going to be needy or clingy. I need a relationship that is going to help me deal with my own insecurities and fears so that they don't become triggers for me to repeat mistakes I've already had the opportunity to learn from in the past. For example, I've only ever really known relationships that started off very intensely wherein we immediately became two halves of the same whole, spending all sorts of time together and adapting our lives to suit the others'. As a creature of habit, I want that because it is familiar. As a conscious being seeking growth, I need space and time and a slower pace, which is unfamiliar and frankly very uncomfortable for me. Thanks to the power of manifestation, I've gotten what I need. But I must admit it is a major growing pain when, in the midst of so much love, joy, elation and the like that come with a new relationship, I also have to confront anxiety, doubt and unease. They are my teachers. They are what I've asked for. They are part of what I need.

So to all my fellow travelers on this journey of change and growth, take heart in knowing the moments and the emotions that really challenge us are the very same ones that help us to progress the most. Have the clarity of mind and the courage to recognize these circumstances as the opportunities we have asked for in order to become the people we wish to be. Have the strength and the patience to be present during discomfort so the lesson within it has a chance to unfold. Embrace your growing pains just as you embrace your growth.