tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87807268557965382892024-03-19T00:39:51.340-04:00Happily now beats happily ever afterLove, life, laughter and tears, as lived and told by me! And who am I, you ask? Tall, curvy, green eyes ;-) Oh wait, that's not the description we're going for, is it?!? I am a life-long lover of the written word, a dedicated journal keeper, a loyal friend, a spiritual being, a human with strong beliefs, opinions and feelings, a yogi, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a student, a lover and a fighter. I'm writing to share and connect.Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-8931929020558043102015-05-13T08:52:00.000-04:002015-05-13T09:00:59.596-04:00Like a moth to the flame<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Tapas. Heat. Fire. Burn.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I stand before the raging flames of what is, skin tingling
with the heat and dripping beads of sweat, layers of self being singed away. I
stand making a willing sacrifice to Her, to me. My full and clear intention is
death. Something must die, pieces of me, ideas and stories and clinging, if I
am to be born into my authentic Truth. And yes, I am.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I set myself on fire, if not consciously at first, then
certainly intentionally. Life’s intention is to live. Love’s intention is to love.
My intention is to burn so that I may become who I am meant to become. She is
guiding me. I trust this. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And that brings me here, back to Bali, to perhaps the most
profound commitment to my spiritual evolution I’ve ever made. Stepping into this kula is stepping into the heat
and the friction and the discipline that are the flames which will burn away what I
thought I knew so that the phoenix of my true purpose may rise. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My goddess is it hot in here.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I thought I knew what I was coming here for. I thought I
knew how it would feel to arrive. I thought integration would be easy. Burn.
Burn. Burn.</div>
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Sleep deprived from jet lag. Bleeding from my moon. Thirsty
from my body’s reintroduction to the tropical climate. Hungry from the
reawakening of intense, intimate connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Edgy from my thoughts of separation. All of my rhythms are thrown, form is gone, and I am melting into the
shape She now wants me to take.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve declared pleasure as my path, and so it is. What I’m
learning over and over is that pain and pleasure are no different from one
another. Each is a teacher. Each is a partner. Each is a necessary element and
demands to be felt.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even in the throes of my greatest pleasure, when the heat I
feel comes from the weight of my lover’s body pressed against my own, the
warmth of our synchronized breath pouring out from the depths of our bellies
and the flames of passion rising as we are elevated to higher states of
awareness, pain comes in as a teacher. <o:p></o:p></div>
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There is the pain of old wounds being unearthed so that they
may be healed. The pain of seeing in the mirror of each other’s eyes patterns
and habits that no longer serve and letting them go. The pain in that brief moment
of recognizing that you’re no longer standing on the edge, but have actually
stepped over to free fall into the unknown.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I crave the burn of this pain as surely as I crave the
delicious ecstasy of our lovemaking. It’s a slow burn. We take our time. Time
takes us. Flames mingle with tears mix with saliva melt into the nectar of our
love, and there is no distinction. Consumed by the fire, death is assured, and
at the bottom of the free fall, birth.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And therein lies the ultimate lesson coming through in all
of this: there is nothing to fear. Even, and I’d say especially, the pain is
bringing us to life and bringing us to love. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through the fire we are delivered to the
promise of our own limitless potential for love. What, then, is there to fear? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Fear comes in through resistance, through holding on instead
of letting go, through pushing against instead of leaning in. I say lean
forward and let go and trust yourself to fall, over and over again, deeper into
life, deeper into love. That is the path of pleasure I choose to follow, and with it, I welcome the pain. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6HTRAl5X5x6GmIB6kMXWCdhY_YMByUoc_u34iEQPHBJkwbU1qt37_W2U_7X8DdAfIRrjrJlKEhN-OallUXRIYVjo5IJGewk1jp4Luzj1VIQTsag14vrCmEk2XZKIsezx-dDSOUe3o6RyC/s1600/Fire_Fall_into_a_Molten_Pool_by_kabegami.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6HTRAl5X5x6GmIB6kMXWCdhY_YMByUoc_u34iEQPHBJkwbU1qt37_W2U_7X8DdAfIRrjrJlKEhN-OallUXRIYVjo5IJGewk1jp4Luzj1VIQTsag14vrCmEk2XZKIsezx-dDSOUe3o6RyC/s320/Fire_Fall_into_a_Molten_Pool_by_kabegami.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-87928798414358432252015-05-08T21:34:00.000-04:002015-05-08T21:35:01.491-04:00On Time<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Time is an arbitrary thing. It really doesn’t exist anywhere
but in the constructs of our mind, this space that is actually limitless were
it not for the self-imposed limitations we allow to constrain us. Symptom of
the human condition. So it goes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEiNIevucc8ooidRKw0akGe480GZYHpNmK-ONfXf-5jfuMUWqEgFOrzVl3Cb5CczX8QwtpGOpcKKH0mQobaB7PWo362rC4r_28H1tM_VY0mC4CeEcndgLSW2ao83VFSdnC55BC4jPXh42d/s1600/time-mystery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEiNIevucc8ooidRKw0akGe480GZYHpNmK-ONfXf-5jfuMUWqEgFOrzVl3Cb5CczX8QwtpGOpcKKH0mQobaB7PWo362rC4r_28H1tM_VY0mC4CeEcndgLSW2ao83VFSdnC55BC4jPXh42d/s320/time-mystery.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Another symptom . . . sentimentality. Looking back fondly.
Holding on dearly. Marking the passage of time in specific increments, with birthdays,
anniversaries, “a year ago I was . . .” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A year ago I was in a lot of pain while supposedly in the
midst of one of the most pleasurable chapters of my life. I’d set off into
unchartered territory, both inner and outer, and it was working me. A year ago
I was resenting the hell out of my home for the moment and my partner at the
time, for not moving in accordance with how I felt time should flow. I was
counting the days until I would leave that place while simultaneously imagining
into the possibility of forever with my oft-estranged beloved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hypocrisy, irony, contradiction. Even more
symptoms of the human condition. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Time has since passed. I sorted out the blaring
contradiction in my life – saying one thing and doing another – by taking my
biggest leap of faith ever and starting to live the life I’d been talking about
for so long. I dealt in part with sentimentality by letting go [somewhat]
gracefully of that which I’d held so dear. I still look back fondly, and I hope
I always will, knowing that every experience then brought me to where I am now
and paved the path leading to where I shall be tomorrow. And the perspective of
birthdays, anniversaries and “a year ago I was” still signify an important
barometer for me, allowing me to track growth and progress or lack thereof, yet
another very human condition I like to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So here are the pertinent “measurements” I’m tracking of
this past year:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I let go of one partner and opened up to so very
many friendships, intimate connections and lovers who’ve enriched me in
infinite ways</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I said goodbye to a job and said hello to my
calling, exploring entrepreneurship and creative collaboration and
heart-centered offerings</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I parted ways with a house and allowed the
concept of home to take shape for me in spaces and places across state lines
and hemispheres</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I surrendered my notion of how things should be
and allowed myself to receive what simply is</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I cut ties with resentment and wholly embraced
an attitude of gratitude for even the most painful or perplexing circumstances
and characters in my life</span></li>
</ul>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><o:p></o:p><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I’m tracking all of this as progress for a year gone by,
when in fact the truth is this is lifetimes of work and deep remembering
becoming manifest. There goes that arbitrary nature of time. We can make of it
what we will.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij-gde6j8wz4kO0ODUwP5baRb0Nf54ZP67ZiGwLL668Tjph8LnHkMFo2dgT4a8zFl-2aOcfMohyTZ_rmAfO9E_kDehusErSGg16JfNWdfgPnKbilPihwG_EqkOVFtzGdNpRshzVT6Gh9TR/s1600/sepia+stone+heart.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij-gde6j8wz4kO0ODUwP5baRb0Nf54ZP67ZiGwLL668Tjph8LnHkMFo2dgT4a8zFl-2aOcfMohyTZ_rmAfO9E_kDehusErSGg16JfNWdfgPnKbilPihwG_EqkOVFtzGdNpRshzVT6Gh9TR/s320/sepia+stone+heart.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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So what will you make of it? What will I make of it? I’m
leaning into a more spacious, patient and compassionate relationship with time.
I’m in the inquiry of what’s it like to slow down, to suspend the agenda, to
move at the speed of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s love
that has been working me this past year. It’s love that is my constant teacher,
my motivation, my guiding light. It’s love that I feel for all the
circumstances and characters in my story. It’s love that I know myself to truly
be. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Love is unbound by time. For love, time simply does not
exist. Love is endlessly patient and immediately accessible. It can hurry the
hell up and it can slow down and wait. My commitment and my suggestion – take a
note from love and let time fall away.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-52052509187178143192015-03-16T01:30:00.000-04:002015-03-16T01:30:43.168-04:00Awestruck and tender-hearted<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj68w4n8GljYOrQCiGlxAagbNBVCyD3KqEIwIUJ4P9WItEdztRwSvIF9Ar-b6MIkqfCSYQzTu11fNvftrAzsKVFp6sRvHuOJCWM65UGWXd02rbkhOqKsNYGvzmn7oqtTEx_wuE9mhdSlaC/s1600/sad+angel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj68w4n8GljYOrQCiGlxAagbNBVCyD3KqEIwIUJ4P9WItEdztRwSvIF9Ar-b6MIkqfCSYQzTu11fNvftrAzsKVFp6sRvHuOJCWM65UGWXd02rbkhOqKsNYGvzmn7oqtTEx_wuE9mhdSlaC/s1600/sad+angel.jpg" height="221" width="400" /></a><br />
<br />
Awestruck and tender-hearted. Those seem to be the two states that most move me to click my fingers across the keyboard and pour out a share. It's been awhile. I've been busy being busy, master of distraction that I am. It only ever lasts so long. There are feelings to be felt, visions to be seen.<br />
<br />
Awestruck or tender-hearted? Sometimes I am blessed with the sight and the perspective to experience both sensations at once: union. Others I stay transfixed on one end of the spectrum: separation.<br />
<br />
So where do I sit tonight? Let us see. . .<br />
<br />
Tender, for sure. My heart feels as if it's being penetrated from the inside out, like a flow of hot lava has begun to bubble beneath the surface and is just making itself known, burning tears streaming in place of the molten glow. They've been pricking at the backs of my eyes for a while now. Only in the last few days have I softened my surface layer enough to let them come forth. There's such a relief in letting go. Breathing deeper now. I hadn't realized I'd been holding back.<br />
<br />
Observing, I find myself aware of my smallness, of the child inside of me crying out, longing to be held and cared for, as the me who hears and sees and feels her offers what comfort she can. She's tugging at me to go dance and play and be. Whoever said you needed to have a child outside of yourself to be a mother? What a task it is to learn how to love the little one within as well as she deserves!<br />
<br />
My hands trace the warmth of the back of my neck, the thin skin of my throat and the gentle curves of my breasts. Soft, nurturing strokes, soothing the body that holds both the child and the woman, the body that holds the many stories of this soul's journey. There's a part of me who wishes the caresses would wipe away the pain I'm sitting with here. That's when I realize I'm in a state of separation, attached to the story of my tender heart. So I move to the middle, the union. From there, even as I acknowledge the wish, the deeper knowledge that the pain is one and the same as my greatest pleasure emerges, and I know I'd never want to be without the wholeness of my experience.<br />
<br />
In my tenderness I find myself awestruck, amazed by the course my life is careening down as I speed from one transition to the next, one initiation to the next. I breathe into the ache of what's releasing and the yearning for what's to come. Pulsing with aliveness, pregnant with possibility, my body responds to creative urges my mind doesn't comprehend. I feel pulled in so many directions, my heart answering calls only it can feel, calls I cannot hear with all the logic and judgment and good sense I've supposedly accumulated over all these years.<br />
<br />
And what's the use of accumulating, I wonder? So much stuff, physical, mental, emotional. I'm amazed at my capacity for it all, and as I come to understand my truly limitless nature, I become increasingly aware of my human limits. More and more I find myself wanting to shed what I've amassed, to have a load so light or one so easily handed off for a while, that I can allow myself to be taken by whichever breeze suits me in the moment. Where would I go? What would I find? Who would I be?<br />
<br />
Such fun to ponder. Awe-inspiring indeed. The tantrika lives alongside the businesswoman who is the wild child loving the mother. There is no distinction. All are me. I am all. Union. Ever fluid. Ever free. Yet even as the She in me longs for the freedom of floating, of moving effortlessly among Her many incarnations, bound by neither time nor place, there is also the longing for home. A sanctuary, a space where all of me is safe and welcome and can rest comfortably to ground.<br />
<br />
Awestruck and tender-hearted. In the middle. With me. </div>
Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-32508061142893238742015-02-13T04:39:00.000-05:002015-02-13T04:39:52.330-05:00It's All Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m going to be a tad predictable, and dare I say cliché
here. I’m going to write about love for Valentine’s Day. Just go with me on
this, or don’t. Either way, it’s all love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My experience continues proving to me that those words are
in fact the ultimate truth: it’s all love. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What’s ‘it’?” you might ask. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What isn’t?” I’d reply.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are the popularized, commercialized incarnations of
love that many of us have been sold on for far too long. Take the essentials
for this particular holiday. If you are to believe the hype, you must:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Have a partner in order to properly celebrate
Valentine’s Day</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Exchange the perfunctory cards, flowers,
chocolates with said partner</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Prove you REALLY care with something extra. . .
jewelry? Lingerie? Two tickets to paradise?</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Spend the big night in wildly romantic fashion,
complete with mind-blowing sex once you’ve finished feeding one another
chocolate covered strawberries, mouth-to-mouth, for dessert</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Let’s not forget that champagne toast!</span></li>
</ul>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve experienced all of this before, and I adored it. Clearly
I’m not above a little predictability and cliché in my life. In fact, just last year
I was sharing much of the aforementioned status quo with a partner who I was so
deeply in love with that I even allowed myself to fantasize I’d never spend
another Valentine’s Day alone again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Score! Right?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet here I am another turn around the sun later, and I am
single. Yup, I said the “s” word that many a woman in her mid-thirties cringes
at that sound of. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I. Am. Single.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know what else I am?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deeply in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel quite certain I will not wake up on Valentine’s Day
to a partner magically fallen from the sky, so there won’t be anyone gifting me
a handwritten card or a racy corset. It’s possible I could end up having a
wildly romantic night, complete with steamy sex, and we just might feed each
other chocolates, but you’ll have to check back with me on that one. And I’m just not
much for champagne these days. Amazing how getting serious about this
spirituality business can rid you of your taste for booze.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I don’t have the trappings of the traditional Valentine’s
Day love affair. How can I be in love?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s dissect that for a moment. In . Love. As in to be
inside of this thing we’re calling love. You can’t see it. You can’t taste it.
You can’t smell, touch or even hear it. So how can you be IN it? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like answering questions with questions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How can’t you be?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love is life. Love is death. Love is rainbows and
earthquakes and sprouting plants and smiling babies and grieving widows and
starry skies. Love is the sensation when you shudder with aversion and when you
undulate with bliss. Love is every rising and setting of the sun. Love is the
stillness and the silence in between all sense perception. Love is.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWmiZtNa45zJ1XTfGCFhZt3bX_p62b85a3r2ziJCjB38GMhiKeWYn9kQVeRmfXSrkl1LgpXLL1xT_zfugW6yBGRk8Wl42cx820n3CvkXmBiGxNk-8mDeKxCSjZrz9m8kJ0xxHv-gWFoqpN/s1600/heart+world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWmiZtNa45zJ1XTfGCFhZt3bX_p62b85a3r2ziJCjB38GMhiKeWYn9kQVeRmfXSrkl1LgpXLL1xT_zfugW6yBGRk8Wl42cx820n3CvkXmBiGxNk-8mDeKxCSjZrz9m8kJ0xxHv-gWFoqpN/s1600/heart+world.jpg" height="284" width="320" /></a><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am in this world of pure and utter magic, this world of
love, and so I am in love, as are you. There is simply no way around it. You
couldn’t get out if you tried. It’s the sacred marriage to end all marriages.
You exist and thus you are in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So why then are so many of us walking around unaware? Why do
we say we fall in and out of love as if we were talking about changing our
clothes each day?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s because we’ve forgotten. We’ve lost our way. The
ultimate truth, it’s all love, is also the truth of who we are. We misguidedly
attach our love to objects, often other <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>people, and then believe love is lost when
they have gone away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet think about that for a moment. What has actually left?
Even if it’s a living breathing body you’ve attached your love to that ceases
to exist on this earth plane from one day to the next, what has actually left
us? Not love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love is transcendent. It encompasses all that we can
perceive and all that we cannot. It is in us and all around us. It’s our
nature, and when we remember this, when we find our way, we awaken to the truth
that we are, always have been and always will be in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoECme_o0-Hw4D0qIKWXTKY8Bi7LgBWIWvV2wBcbdPUHJQ5ePuNYZQYnNIiXnINH2nkFmTc7md56Z4usmLg7xqq73gAgtkNoVndLe46eZef7mwvfNVoRO3rqAmgJhyphenhyphen8-Xujay8j5CyLkUT/s1600/love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoECme_o0-Hw4D0qIKWXTKY8Bi7LgBWIWvV2wBcbdPUHJQ5ePuNYZQYnNIiXnINH2nkFmTc7md56Z4usmLg7xqq73gAgtkNoVndLe46eZef7mwvfNVoRO3rqAmgJhyphenhyphen8-Xujay8j5CyLkUT/s1600/love.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started ruminating on this while I was on an amazing
mission I dubbed “Operation Cupid”. You see, a friend of mine in the U.S. asked
me to deliver a surprise Valentine’s bouquet to her beloved who happens to be
in the same town in Bali as I am. That involved me hand selecting the card,
transcribing the given message, finding my way by scooter to a flower shop
where I chose each and every stem in the bunch and even the color ribbon it was
tied with. Then once back on my trusty Scooby scooter, I set off to find the
house where this gesture of love would land. I got lost. I was covered in sweat
and breathing in the exhaust of just a few too many tourist buses. I realized
that no one would be reciprocating any such gesture toward me on this
particular Valentine’s Day. And I felt so wholly and totally in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Observing my sheer joy at this mission started me reflecting
on what it is to be “in love” and how it was that I was having the exact same
felt experience of being in love as I’ve known in the more traditional context
even while I was negotiating traffic and juggling stress, wholly and totally by
myself. It occurred to me that as in love as my friend is with her paramour, I
am in love with the call to service I was fortunate to receive, I am in love
with every breath I get to take (even if it is a polluted one) and whether I am
happy or sad, accompanied or alone, I am always in love. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my share is for the sake of inspiring your own reflection.
Whether you will honor Valentine’s Day in the most cliché manner possible or by
dressing in black and sitting in mourning or whatever the hell you feel called
to do, I invite you to really ponder what the words “in love” mean to you and
see if you might catch a glimpse of that ultimate truth for yourself. It really
is all love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-47183550908747072862015-01-27T21:42:00.000-05:002015-01-27T21:42:12.618-05:00Surrender<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnQtE2f7-GjQTB-qal8sgbWhoVsBTEn9s_AxZix7e6tq3hHYzCvvsfB2nk90CJqQ1zXlZhIqp_sdmBTjyaOR7U3tdZ9b5EIV9T8aIXov81W6Eo73H6vEUcWsoG4XNOD90u9_5ZvGCzpJNj/s1600/surrender-goddess.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnQtE2f7-GjQTB-qal8sgbWhoVsBTEn9s_AxZix7e6tq3hHYzCvvsfB2nk90CJqQ1zXlZhIqp_sdmBTjyaOR7U3tdZ9b5EIV9T8aIXov81W6Eo73H6vEUcWsoG4XNOD90u9_5ZvGCzpJNj/s1600/surrender-goddess.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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Heart at once hollow yet heavy and full. Beating and
bleeding and burning for You.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who is this “You” and who is this “me”? Is this heart even
mine? As mine as it can be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would if I could, just let go, just let be. Stop the
doing, stop the feeling and sit with just me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If me is You and One are We, beyond the pain of separation, Truth
is set free.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I set my intention and You set your sails, gliding so
effortlessly while my anchor trails. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trying to lighten the load, I release. Yet the weight pulls
me down again and there goes the peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yours is the lightness and mine is the dark. Ah, but We are
One. Reminder is a spark.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sparking the memory of the time beyond time, absent the
notion of a yours and a mine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All that exists is Truth Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss
Absolute. Sat Chit Ananda. Ain’t that the Truth?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I’ve been told and so I believe, and so I keep seeking, Your
billowing sails out at sea.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sea of compassion, of mystery, of grace. Sea of abiding
love and wholeness I taste.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I taste You in my blood, my tears, my nectar honey twist. Your
ocean is in me so I know You exist.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I know with my body can’t always be known with my mind.
I turn my senses inward to feel what I find.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this body live the Lover, the Beloved and the Love. I
taste color, feel music and hear the wing of the dove.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing makes sense in here and yet sense is all there is.
You open me for receiving and I give and give and give.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Offering my yearning, the depth of my desire. Offering my
devotion, my emotion, my fire. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Offering what is big in me and also what is small. Offering
and offering in hopes You’ll take it all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take me, have me, do with me what You will. Please just use
me, use me up, have Your fill. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Fill Yourself with me so that I am wholly in You. Only then
will there be an end to loneliness and a resting in what is True. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-72802393707025582042015-01-25T21:09:00.000-05:002015-01-25T21:11:12.369-05:00The Guest As God<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The guest as God[ess]<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So goes the credo in India, and I have to say that for
whatever harshness or inconvenience traveling to the great Mother may
invariably include, this is always a sweetly welcomed constant. Without fail,
wherever I have roamed on this subcontinent, when I get where I’m going and
many times along the way there too, I have been received with such warmth in
the welcoming and sincerity in the attending that it manages to soften the
edges and melt the daggers of even the craziest episodes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I live much of my life in the world of guest as
interruption, guest as intrusion, guest as yet another item on the overflowing
to-do list that has to be checked off. In that world not speaking the language
will get you glared at as incompetent. There you don’t often show up
unannounced on someone’s doorstep or go out of your way to accompany someone on
an errand run that more closely resembles a wild goose chase. You tend to
yourself and expect that by and large others are doing the same. Independence and
self-sufficiency are the credo. Most of the time in most circles anyway.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Not so here. As I sit writing, Vishnu, a nineteen-year-old
attendant at the lush, idyllic Ayurvedic retreat I’m visiting, is waiting me on.
He’s walking up the tree-lined path with an adorably bright smile on his
mustached little face, carrying fresh coconuts for me to drink. Yes, that’s his
job. But he does his job with such a sweetness and genuine appreciation for
being of service that it lights a smile in me each and every time I see him.
And I see him a lot! He manages to be everywhere, all the time, always
available to any need or whim that may arise in each and every guest here. He
takes his responsibility seriously, but not himself. He’s gracious and humble
and seems so much older than his not quite two times ten turns around the sun. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And it isn’t just Vishnu. It’s Saraswati, Jendi, Asmin, Karnan,
Kiran, Kanakaraj, Laksmi, Rao, Srinivas, and so many other aunties, uncles,
guides, hosts, drivers, attendants and random angels encountered on trains,
buses and sidewalks who live this credo of treating the guest as God. The very
villagers who scrub the floors and prepare the meals at your guest house
consider themselves honored and are so wholly delighted to have you pop into
their home without warning, quickly offering up a plate of some tasty snack and
introducing every member of their extended family to you, whether in-person or
by photo. And never mind a language barrier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Smiles, laughter, hand gestures and a couple of key words are more than
enough to feel the depth of emotion and grasp the gist of what’s being
transmitted. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve had strangers escort me through train stations to
ensure I made it to the right platform. The same guy who had the grace to look
away and leave me in silence while I vomited in our shared bunk on an overnight
bus come morning was making certain I knew what stop to get off to make my way
to my destination. Many others want a photo memory of me and taking them at
their word, some of those photos now appear in frames and on altar spaces in
more than one India home. I can’t begin to understand why that is, but we’ll
leave that for another blog!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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With this one what I hope to convey is the beauty that I
encounter daily among the people here, and what it evokes in me. It raises
ruminations on independence versus interdependence, what community truly means
to me, the way in which I choose to receive and engage with the people around
me. To integrate this credo of treating all of those around me as gods and goddesses,
not just because it sounds quaint but because I truly recognize the divinity in
each and every being is an ideal I wholly aspire to. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Being here also shows me how I still have so far to go.
There are many miles yet to walk before my external eyes are able to truly
glimpse that divine light shining in all beings. There are miles left to go in
shedding my amazingly stubborn conditioning that taught me doing for myself was
the best, and often expected, way to get things done. India is a phenomenal equalizer
for that one! I simply cannot do everything by myself here. Moreover, I cannot
do most things by myself here. I get to be a child again in so many ways,
allowing myself to be led, taught, cared for, fed, even bathed and dressed in
certain instances! It’s humbling and it’s also heart opening. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As my heart opens to receive these gracious offerings, my
mind opens as well. It fills with colorful visions of interdependence as the
pervading norm in all corners of the globe. But the globe is big and often I
feel small. So I start small. I set intentions. Let my smile be so big and
sincere as to brighten another’s day. Let me be the one to patiently and kindly
offer directions to someone who is lost, literally or figuratively. Let me be
fortunate enough to receive a knock at my door from an unexpected guest and
welcome them with a tea or a treat or simply a moment of my uninterrupted,
truly focused time. Let me feel gratitude and devotion for the work I am
blessed to do, no matter how menial or exalted the task.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It isn’t that these intentions are new to me. It isn’t that
all of India, or all Indians, are sunshine and rainbows while the U.S. is
absent of any redeeming qualities or utterly amazing people. It’s not that
black and white. And all of this is just my story anyway. So if it’s my story,
let me tell it with authenticity. A big part of why I travel, and why I keep
coming back to India even with so much of the world awaiting me, is because I
feel authentic here and I am reminded of the story that is closest to my heart.
When I am here, I remember. I remember who I am and what I know to be
true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember why I have chosen this
path and how it is guiding me toward living these intentions more and more with
each step I take. I remember that I am not the only one who feels small
sometimes, and that compassion is SO needed, just as needed as the reminder
that great things come in small packages and can have a HUGE impact!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope you’ll remember with me, and I hope you’ll tell your
own story with authenticity.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-23755872440597889512015-01-16T08:57:00.000-05:002015-01-16T08:57:32.549-05:00Become the body of ecstasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Wander and wander to
the point of exhaustion,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whirl until you lose
all control,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dance until you are
ready to drop.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Then drop!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fall to the earth.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Surrender to the swirl
of sensations<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Surging through your
form.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dissolve in awe as
arising energies<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Continue the dance in
your inner world.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Beyond motion and
commotion,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Become the body of
ecstasy.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vijnana Bhairava
Tantra: The Radiance Sutras<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Translation by Lorin
Roche<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfhqzHmfLM20Tz565fQawCzADETXzh8AyWkeP0wHFSHh9PAHtmP-Nijq57KhYPZVV6Wxaul5_dyUZJO1enrLf7u71zriQbTLduiftQrvbVx2qReO7mikfHxRB_QMf64mc4NlgIP8lFiGVA/s1600/cosmic+dance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfhqzHmfLM20Tz565fQawCzADETXzh8AyWkeP0wHFSHh9PAHtmP-Nijq57KhYPZVV6Wxaul5_dyUZJO1enrLf7u71zriQbTLduiftQrvbVx2qReO7mikfHxRB_QMf64mc4NlgIP8lFiGVA/s1600/cosmic+dance.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Wander, I have. Whirl, I have. Dance, I have. And drop, now,
here, finally, I have.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I’ve traveled far and deep along this seeker’s path,
wandering for so long to find what felt like home. And in the wandering I have
whirled and twirled into many a temporary shelter, taking solace, receiving
nourishment, but not quite feeling settled and full. Oh, and the dance! I love
it so. So many partners, so many styles, so many spaces. The dance spun me
forward until the moment came for it to let me go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
And here I lay now, surrendered to the embrace of The
Mother, fallen not from grace but into it, earthly and cosmic realms merged
into one as she holds me here that I may know her through my own self.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I lay still as she moves me, currents of energy coursing
through me, pulsing from the root, core and heart of my being. The dance is not
over. It has only just begun! She dances in me, and I know what it is to feel
ecstasy now. I know what it is to be ecstasy now. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
For so long the search was for something beyond myself,
something that could be given to me from the outside so that I might possibly
taste Her sweetness inside. My mind understood this was a fool’s game, but my
body did not yet know. My body had not yet surrendered. It still craved the
erotic touch of an external lover for it had not yet been refined enough to
feel the One who lives within.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Awakening now to the power and the passion as my initiation
unfolds, I find myself falling deeper and deeper each day into a space beyond
space and a time beyond time that is at once unknown and entirely familiar.
Just when I think I am touching ground, I am shown how much further there is to
journey still. This earthly and cosmic Mother is endless, infinite and so
sublime. If eternity is what it takes to know her, I will be dedicated, patient
and happy in the pursuit.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Sacred and precious, this time beyond time and space beyond
space, I’ve felt moved to express myself freely and yet aware of the call to go
inward. The energy I am cultivating must be channeled with discretion, wisdom
and compassion into the appropriate vessels and pursuits. This is new for me,
one so open and inclined to share. I am learning how to not just receive but
contain in the most beautiful of ways.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
What a sweet beginning, and there is so much more to explore
beyond the motion and commotion. As many ways to dissolve in awe as there are
ways that She manifests Herself. A limitless body of ecstasy to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-84926340590949822102015-01-03T06:26:00.000-05:002015-01-04T03:52:03.995-05:00Bear witness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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There are certain aspects of coming to India that I may not
love, yet have come to expect and even understand. Not only do oceans and
continents divide India from my North American homeland, but culture, customs, and in
many places I visit, modern conveniences as well. To give you an idea, any trip
here is bound to include:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Bathing from a bucket rather than a shower</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Cows competing with you in traffic</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Blaring horns announcing every passing vehicle,
JUST IN CASE they didn’t already see you with your high beams on</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Peeing on your shoes (or your bare feet) because
let’s face it: we western women aren’t necessarily masters of squat toilet
etiquette</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Consuming obscene amounts of carbs</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Practically nothing happening on schedule</span></li>
</ul>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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While none of these is pleasant from my privileged, first
world perspective, none of these is intolerable either. We humans are
marvelously malleable creatures, and you’d be amazed what you can adapt to. It
saddens me to say I’ve even grown accustomed to the frequent sight of
malnourished beings, two- and four-legged, all around me, and Mother Earth
herself being horribly mistreated.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Yet none of what I’ve seen in my time in India prepared me
for what I witnessed yesterday. The truth is, had I seen this anywhere in the
world, I’d have been just as stunned and stricken. And the even sadder truth is
that this actually does happen just about everywhere in the world, as much as
I’d like to believe otherwise.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Yesterday I saw a man beat his wife.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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On a street corner.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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With several men standing around watching.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Doing nothing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Just like me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I was in an auto rickshaw, a very popular method of
transportation here that is basically a 3-wheeled scooter with a roof and bench
seats. The sides are completely open and you get the experience of being at one
with all that is whizzing past you as you travel. For some reason I wasn’t sure
of, our driver had paused to stop right as this scene was taking place, and so
I had a front row seat to one of the most tragic things I’ve ever born witness
to with my own eyes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She was sitting and he was somehow simultaneously shoving her
and pulling her up to standing. At first I wasn’t entirely certain I was
witnessing an act of abuse. There was a moment when it looked like he could
have even been helping her up, albeit roughly. The irony there is, from what I
understand of the mentality that so many battered women have, especially those
who are impoverished and living in a country where many women are still effectively the
property of their men, they actually do feel that way. They feel their
abusive husbands are actually doing them some sort of service, or at least that
they have the right to treat them in these ways. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So he got her up, and then any doubt I had as to what I was
watching was laid to rest as he raised his hand and laid it across her face. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
On a street corner.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
With several men standing around watching.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Doing nothing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Just like me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
His face was twisted with bitterness and rage. Hers with dejection and disgust. Mine was frozen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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In fact, I don’t think I have ever felt so frozen in my life. Even as
I sat wedged between two friends in a now-moving vehicle, there was an impulse
to jump out and grab her away, whisking her to safety. But I didn’t. I couldn’t
move an inch. The instinct for self-preservation was stronger than the instinct
to help. As sad as I was to watch this scene play out, I was even sadder to
accept that realization.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I began to thaw quickly. Silently prayers of protection and
liberation on her behalf rang through my head has tears spilled down my cheeks.
Still my body felt numb, the weight of the experience cementing me to my
seat, holding me prisoner just like she must feel. I hurt for her. I hurt for
me. I hurt for every woman everywhere who has ever felt anything short of the
sublimely sovereign, empowered, perfect goddess that she is, which is basically
the same as saying I hurt for every single woman on earth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I know of none among us who haven’t, at one point or another
in some way or another, felt beat down and unworthy. I’ve certainly been there,
and yet no man has ever raised a hand to me, and I feel confident in saying no
man ever will. To witness a sister in that position was unspeakably painful.
And to quickly assimilate the realization that this is happening far more than
I’m aware of just amplified that in spades, sharpening the edge of the sad truth that I had done nothing to stop it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It happens that this whole experience took place right as I
am spending time at a place called Devipuram, where empowerment is literally
the mission statement, and revering the feminine principle is engrained in the
path. Using the guidance of the ancient, sacred wisdom of Sri Vidya, auspicious
knowledge associated with the Shakta, or goddess-worshipping path of Hinduism,
Devipuram is a rare and special place where anyone from any walk of life is welcome
to learn tools of empowerment. By way of spiritual teachings and
social outreach, Devipuram gives men and women alike the opportunity to realize our divine
potential and tap into this limitless power within ourselves, as well as share
it with others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So the scene playing out before me came in stark contrast to
the environment I’ve been in, the environment I’m in more often than not. I’m a
woman who adores women, who feels a deep sense of duty around supporting my
sisters, and who is fortunate to keep company with men who extend the same
reverence to us as we do ourselves. I’d just seen the shadow side of the light
I live in, and that contrast is actually a precious gift.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Reflecting on the contrast of these two extremes, I got the strong and
clear message that while I may have felt impotent in the moment, I am anything
but. I am empowered with all the grace, compassion and purpose of Devi herself.
And I have the added benefit of having realized this, on some level at least.
So if one, or many, of my sisters has not yet realized this for herself, I have
the power to help her. I have the power to extend a hand in place of the one
that has been raised, and lead her toward the light. I may not have acted in the moment the way I'd like to think I would have, but I can act in other ways that empower going forward. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I don’t yet know exactly how this will transform my path. I
don’t yet know exactly how I will take this call to action and turn it into an
offering to help women like the sister I bore witness to ascend from the shadow
they’re caught in. What I know is there are no coincidences, and painful as
this was, it was necessary. This is something I needed to see and feel so that I
can tap into even greater grace, compassion and purpose for the greater good. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
If I may make a request, please join me in a moment of
prayer. Call it reflection or meditation or silence if you prefer. Just join me
please, right now, by closing your eyes, gazing into your heart and emanating a
vibration of love and safety to all beings everywhere who are caught in the
shadow. Join me in intending that there will soon come a day when all women (men, children and animals too!) will be seen and treated as the divine beings they truly are and live lives free from violence and full of peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Thank you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Namaste.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Om Sri Matrye Namah.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-5348822079362100882014-12-25T10:41:00.000-05:002014-12-25T10:41:18.089-05:00Silence and Noise<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Silence
and noise. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
It
feels like the entirety of this journey can be placed into one of those two
categories. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Silence.
Moments of pure stillness, communing with nature Herself or deep into inner
space, where something in me speaks without making a sound. Sometimes I come to
them on purpose, others by surprise. Climbing up a rocky mountain path in the
pre-dawn hours is the perfect chance to get quiet, inside and out, a moving
meditation. You know what you’re in for. Reaching the top to be greeted by a slip
of a man whose strength is astounding as he lives out his days in a state of
pure humility and devotion is enough to silence anyone. How many among us would
choose life in a cave on a mountaintop, meditating on the Divine while the wind
whips by above and society whips by below?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Noise.
Moments of chaotic motion, thrust into the blaring horns, exhaust fumes and
bumpy roads of the towns and cities of India. Thoughts race, judgments too, and
sometimes I ask myself what I’m doing here. Even in the supposed sanctuary of
your guesthouse room there are almost always neighbors talking, doors slamming
and other ambient sounds to keep the peace just far enough at bay. Earplugs are
a godsend. Headphones too. At least if it’s going to be noisy, let me choose
sounds that soothe.<o:p></o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiKI2-5K0oFGuetrsbf7Z_dHvKKBSwbgo6CdRUUrAUK4rR-vc2O16QI5Ko9alokoJSNjDgCuosB2-EzNMW6RoezRXPG6Fozdof6Y_lyLW6jNRgqy8EU2cDsSD3wV9GKKUycHyxb0z0cr3_/s1600/Traffic-india-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiKI2-5K0oFGuetrsbf7Z_dHvKKBSwbgo6CdRUUrAUK4rR-vc2O16QI5Ko9alokoJSNjDgCuosB2-EzNMW6RoezRXPG6Fozdof6Y_lyLW6jNRgqy8EU2cDsSD3wV9GKKUycHyxb0z0cr3_/s1600/Traffic-india-2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Then
there are moments where it is proverbial silence and noise. Take today,
Christmas in Mamallapuram. There are enough westerners who visit this beachside
town complete with stunning displays of architecture and carvings that the
gypsy street children and adults know well how to engage us for a few rupees
whether we want to or not. This proposition always challenges me- the desire to
give coming into conflict with the desire to not enable, because unfortunately "successful" begging could be what keeps these very same souls from seeking more substantial support and opportunity. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRs7ziNz9Xnh6Pp6MH1jkom8swOv10YwQalJ6fGe46fH_LZ3RmmcgOn1Bv_4NdMlo-TkQETanEs7FdeDRdt2CBYiBUQhyphenhyphenfpDtyW63UzYboB5XmPCHiJk9z6OlC8Tya3l96VHmV5758lgiy/s1600/street_children_1168344f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRs7ziNz9Xnh6Pp6MH1jkom8swOv10YwQalJ6fGe46fH_LZ3RmmcgOn1Bv_4NdMlo-TkQETanEs7FdeDRdt2CBYiBUQhyphenhyphenfpDtyW63UzYboB5XmPCHiJk9z6OlC8Tya3l96VHmV5758lgiy/s1600/street_children_1168344f.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
I end up giving far
more than I end up saying no, yet even when I offer my silent prayer to each
one, I am often left feeling a twinge of guilt. <br />
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It’s
noisy in my head, trying to make sense of all this, so noisy that I apparently need
to be stunned into silence when I make it to my hotel in the evening. I try to
offer the man who carried my bags a tip. He refused, and I immediately thought
I’d insulted him somehow. When he returned with a fresh towel and basket of
fruit for me, I’d fished out a bigger bill and handed it to him, hoping to
right the perceived wrong. Again he tried to refuse, but I insisted and asked
him to explain. He gestured to the red kumkum powder smudged across my third
eye and said “You’re a Hindu,” as he then pointed to his own identical marking,
a sign of solidarity and respect. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWyJcw_rsc68wHbIgLNsc0a-MVlr4xbPAJHrrAVtPoD5mUFdN8i1jg_x13high3DmRAd3g4hyphenhyphenelS5xraOoiN3lFdybxwPNk9Fb2H_06VIqjQG128xzVbfaJnIWxy8RCZXiiauaQJ1CKK1H/s1600/kumkum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWyJcw_rsc68wHbIgLNsc0a-MVlr4xbPAJHrrAVtPoD5mUFdN8i1jg_x13high3DmRAd3g4hyphenhyphenelS5xraOoiN3lFdybxwPNk9Fb2H_06VIqjQG128xzVbfaJnIWxy8RCZXiiauaQJ1CKK1H/s1600/kumkum.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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I was
literally stunned silent. First at having been seen for what I often feel I am
by a man I took as a representative of a people who generally thinks I’m
anything but, and second at how I’d so easily mistaken an act of kindness for
something aggressive thanks to my conditioning. How sweet that silence was,
even as the noise out in the hotel halls continued on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s
pretty much impossible for me to not stand out here. I’m white-skinned and
green-eyed in a land of brown and more brown. The more Indian I dress, the more
that garners its own attention as local people seem to find the sight of a
western woman in a saree something to behold, whether in amusement or
appreciation I can’t totally be sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That often causes me to go outwardly silent, feeling set apart from
those around me, and not wanting to draw even more attention to myself than my
physical presence already does. But inwardly the noise continues on, as I try
to make sense of things I often don’t understand, dispel a negative thought or
repeat a mantra. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This
is never truer than in temples. For me being in India is a journey of devotion.
I don’t come here to simply be a tourist. I come here to be immersed in my
spiritual motherland and deepen my connection to my faith. Some temples are
extremely accommodating to westerners; some outright fleece you, and others
won’t even let you inside. You can’t always be sure which of these you’re in
for, and I have definitely experienced them all. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikTw01cyIU2ZuHu0KXFopPMiengIJwplbhZTISw9IFoIewQFncBHkAejrEYAPuIs2l841nz8uQM8_zPGxzsIJy45pfZP2bj2hvNRLMNnT8ya5zWyXQcYEWEVF7PgXTUWlO4KAzcAzY5kBe/s1600/IMG_6905.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikTw01cyIU2ZuHu0KXFopPMiengIJwplbhZTISw9IFoIewQFncBHkAejrEYAPuIs2l841nz8uQM8_zPGxzsIJy45pfZP2bj2hvNRLMNnT8ya5zWyXQcYEWEVF7PgXTUWlO4KAzcAzY5kBe/s1600/IMG_6905.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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A
new experience for me this trip was Girivalam, the circumambulation of Mt.
Arunachala, surely a temple in its own right. This nearly nine-mile walk around
the mountain is held as holy of holies among Shaivists (that would be
Shiva-worshipping Hindus) since it is considered to be Shiva, the Supreme Yogi
and Cosmic Destroyer’s, fire incarnation. For me it was potent to partake in
this ancient and sacred ritual, and equally potent to have such a unique
experience in this silence and noise experiment that is my time in India. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I
felt free to chant mantras, strut in my saree and channel Lakshmi, the goddess
of abundance, as I happily handed rupee notes to the many sadhus and others in
need whose paths crossed mine as I went. I felt like I could be out in public
and make noise, as a matter of speaking, and that if I was drawing attention to
myself, so be it because the silence stemming from the intention and devotion
in my heart was felt and heard by those I encountered as well. They understood
what I was doing there without question, and I felt welcome among them. The noise
was as joyous, peaceful and purposeful as the inner silence that such a
meditative act brings.</div>
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<o:p></o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI548TJCKlBwfAqwxHPNA16tQKV6Tq7UqnURaMlZldvNgA0vcEdd6SVA3nHB_c_PVOugxxyoB3HilJlBuxSfoQHrOJLOhd0L8LDBZViT32pHm0gV5e0EPqVSp1kD_glwWOEktdXTKdGK00/s1600/IMG_6151.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI548TJCKlBwfAqwxHPNA16tQKV6Tq7UqnURaMlZldvNgA0vcEdd6SVA3nHB_c_PVOugxxyoB3HilJlBuxSfoQHrOJLOhd0L8LDBZViT32pHm0gV5e0EPqVSp1kD_glwWOEktdXTKdGK00/s1600/IMG_6151.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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Through
it all, all the noise and all the silence, I come back to a practice that is of
India, if not expressly of Hinduism. I come back to equanimity, that balance
point taught by the Buddha. Recognizing the ephemeral nature of all as well as
the inherent oneness of all, I eventually find the merging of the silence into
the noise and the noise into the silence. I eventually find my peace.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-2229152003318089892014-12-21T11:13:00.001-05:002014-12-21T11:13:29.199-05:00Arunachala Shiva<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Winter is blowing in on the wind as the darkest night of the
year descends. Even with the south Indian heat in the air, I feel a chill. It’s
going to be a long night.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So I’m settling in, the loving gaze of Lakshmi Ma looking
down on me from the walls of my guesthouse room, the silhouette of the mountain
visible against the night sky, the resident cat, Cookie, curled up next to me
purring contentedly. I’m glad one of us feels contented. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p> </o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0qtWBob3BgAFaLXRtvwYgQXugTOJUH8dxQnVVLAraeTKw10KlGhU0pYhc5xUXc_R6Bo9QMSZrLCDlg-2DfTx0LIUE1k9gdNmkRCDg5dB80YF-HzBSGsUK-IWz3IDjsMzhGz_SMkLvoBGO/s1600/Arunachala-07-700.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0qtWBob3BgAFaLXRtvwYgQXugTOJUH8dxQnVVLAraeTKw10KlGhU0pYhc5xUXc_R6Bo9QMSZrLCDlg-2DfTx0LIUE1k9gdNmkRCDg5dB80YF-HzBSGsUK-IWz3IDjsMzhGz_SMkLvoBGO/s1600/Arunachala-07-700.jpg" height="218" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
For no reason I can name, I feel off. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a nagging feeling, one I’ve easily
and genuinely pushed aside in moments throughout my travels so far, but one
I’ve not been able to overcome or fully understand. If I’m honest, it’s not
actually bothering me all that much. The melancholy, the loneliness, the sense
of being a bit lost. I’m no stranger to the way transformation works. There’s a
reason we use the phrase “dark night of the soul”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things very often get very dark before the
blaze of enlightenment shines upon you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
And so I barely slept last night despite being totally spent
from twelve hours of travel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow I found
enough energy today to ground into my newest destination, Thiruvanamalai. The city
itself seems pretty unremarkable at first glance, save for the presence of
Ramana Maharishi’s ashram, but I didn’t come for the city. I came for
Arunachala, both the mountain and the temple, which honor Shiva in the form of
fire. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No coincidence that I should be
moving through some darkness just as I prepare to stand before the light.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I ventured out by bicycle, weaving my way among the
motorbikes, auto rickshaws, pedestrians, cars and cows. My heart hurt at the
sight of forlorn animals amidst piles of garbage, even more so than it did at
the sight of humans suffering through their plights of poverty, disability,
ignorance and disease, and yet the tenderness was fleeting. It was almost as if
I’d momentarily lost touch with my depth of feeling, a very strange and
unsettling sensation for one who usually feels so deeply.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Then it came back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIFIRGKzK48LET7xgajLAixVXHO-Z9UeTc9liqohEQg_OpqYYukMZaU-S2O-OPFsjiCpLaWyCPU4cddXpjExF_5j_kviNcmoekXmiiPvOuAz468njwXbJz5lB7H3trA_Shjlt6n8NvH7Ia/s1600/arunachalaswara-temple-and-tank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIFIRGKzK48LET7xgajLAixVXHO-Z9UeTc9liqohEQg_OpqYYukMZaU-S2O-OPFsjiCpLaWyCPU4cddXpjExF_5j_kviNcmoekXmiiPvOuAz468njwXbJz5lB7H3trA_Shjlt6n8NvH7Ia/s1600/arunachalaswara-temple-and-tank.jpg" height="216" width="320" /></a></div>
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<o:p> </o:p>As evening arrived and the solstice began, I visited the
Arunachala Temple for the first time. It is an truly impressive sight to
behold, even if it leans toward being a spectacle with the lines of pilgrims –
women clad in red and gold saris, men in black dhotis – everywhere as priests covered
in ashes scramble about attending to their business. Thankfully the business of
one such priest was to lead me and a few others along the fast track into the
inner sanctums where we’d sit for a brief puja (offering) in the holy and
hallowed chambers of Shakti and Shiva.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
My mind delighted at the sight of Shakti even if my body
didn’t feel the usual sensation that arises when communing with the Goddess in
this way. But when I was brought in to see Shiva, whatever switch that had be
in the off position in me definitely turned on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The heat from the oil lamps seemed to bounce against the
dark, stone walls and penetrate straight to my core. I was sweating
immediately, though not the dripping, I-just-did-a-great-workout sweat, but the
radiant warmth that emanates from a heart set on fire. Tears came to my eyes
that gazed transfixed at the magnetic beauty of the Shiva Lingam before me. My
whole body came alive at the intensity of the experience, my name being entered
into the string of mantras chanted, offerings exchanged, light taken into the
upper chakras, ash smeared on foreheads and garlands placed around necks. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Then it was over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsVYcMtxvOZAGxiyZpLbDC0_YdMPGflnW6NAIlDFF0-OQwjdagdKa9-wNc_R-e9nFNgMPztdOjuKjnXFOH3BMi9qroJCLyvKGmNQDdbhPJ0vNQ41pgJ6AFEkJDPnB0-wWxxdQ_IkC9pBki/s1600/shiva-nataraja-vishwajyoti-mohrhoff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsVYcMtxvOZAGxiyZpLbDC0_YdMPGflnW6NAIlDFF0-OQwjdagdKa9-wNc_R-e9nFNgMPztdOjuKjnXFOH3BMi9qroJCLyvKGmNQDdbhPJ0vNQ41pgJ6AFEkJDPnB0-wWxxdQ_IkC9pBki/s1600/shiva-nataraja-vishwajyoti-mohrhoff.jpg" height="320" width="269" /></a></div>
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<o:p> </o:p>I emerged buzzing with this energy that now had a name:
Shiva. My feeling off still doesn’t have a name, but the resonance of the
Divine in me at this moment surely does: Nataraja, the Cosmic Dancer, the Destroyer,
dancing in a ring of fire, beating the drum of creation, stamping out
ignorance, symbol of liberation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Fitting for the welcoming of the new season. Fitting for
this new chapter I am writing in the book of my life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-73599066063993984902014-12-20T11:48:00.000-05:002014-12-20T11:49:32.640-05:00Back with my Beloved<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am here, again, back in India, experiencing the madness
and the magic that is her trademark. She is a land of extremes, a land of
oxymorons and sometimes-strange juxtapositions, of opulence alongside filth,
aloneness felt among a throng of people, a sense of going slowly amidst
constant chaos. She is a land I love, and like all love, it changes over time.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Returning to her for my third visit, we meet with the
awkward familiarity of lovers who’ve been apart for a while. She knows how to
receive me now, and I her, yet there’s an adjustment period, feeling each other
out slowly even as we embrace fervently. I dive into her, hungry for the taste
of her signature sweetness, then pull back, quickly intoxicated and unsteady
from the drunkenness. In sleep it takes me time to adjust to her, crashing from
the sheer exhaustion of all it took to reach her and the daylight hours spent
taking her in voraciously only to awaken frequently in the night as if I were
newly sharing my bed again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSu8ar8trs1hpRv4IlgGQ_uRkR3yMgT5y7SMIs_S3QrddLR4rnpq3tGZnwGSo35g11wlJhnZGW8XtG1wKh0vYRjqxaV_1q_IROMLlZyOaIRjRN-42lnl_l2xMkx0HILLTXIjL4kAbtKqqr/s1600/abstract-soulmate-lovers-embrace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSu8ar8trs1hpRv4IlgGQ_uRkR3yMgT5y7SMIs_S3QrddLR4rnpq3tGZnwGSo35g11wlJhnZGW8XtG1wKh0vYRjqxaV_1q_IROMLlZyOaIRjRN-42lnl_l2xMkx0HILLTXIjL4kAbtKqqr/s1600/abstract-soulmate-lovers-embrace.jpg" height="320" width="234" /></a></div>
So it was this time around, different than the times before.
It took me pretty much all of my first five days in Mumbai to begin to feel
like myself with her. It actually took me leaving Mumbai to head for higher
elevations, cleaner air and clearer skies, a true Indian hill station retreat,
for me to wake up feeling properly grounded and truly present for my beloved. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Like all women who know their worth, she demands I be fully
present for her. Only then will she open to me and really let me in. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And she has. She opened to me and bid me welcome into a realm
that feels quite like heaven on earth.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHoAGrJvShyphenhyphen0cHELPO_YMuW_wpa6jb6hcpTYBSJYmgELOmv3Islb_Y5uP3yIF9Sd8A5B43luqPjwFNQT3y-1ocxfdp7Va0p6jlWNKy8KM1JlHy6F5wESAyXO1_mWtbXHxg1qy7lvix8KMA/s1600/Bhumi+Devi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHoAGrJvShyphenhyphen0cHELPO_YMuW_wpa6jb6hcpTYBSJYmgELOmv3Islb_Y5uP3yIF9Sd8A5B43luqPjwFNQT3y-1ocxfdp7Va0p6jlWNKy8KM1JlHy6F5wESAyXO1_mWtbXHxg1qy7lvix8KMA/s1600/Bhumi+Devi.jpg" height="277" width="320" /></a></div>
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I write this from Govardhan Ecovillage, a most inspiring and
precious sanctuary of devotion to Mother Bhumi, Mother Earth. After hearing of
the incredible work being done here thanks to the wise and loving vision of
Radhanath Swami, a much-adored leader of the ISKCON community, I knew I had to
come and see it myself. This year has been largely marked by my initiation into
permaculture, living in community and a profound deepening of my spiritual
path. While I am not a devotee of this lineage, I have been fortunate to spend
many a memorable moment in the sweet company of members of the Hare Krishna
community, so being among them here is easy and comfortable for me. Being with
my beloved Bhumi is effortless ecstasy. It is here that I can finally be fully present to India.
It is here that I feel I can simply be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFxtJi9G4OrUXvHbGqvWgcqx9Z35FeyLFbmGQOWvX2i76DQpRlK-UGRuYXDqFT-T1lu_8Ndstecnhubjx7ejwjRsYPVBm6vmI1iiIiZ0Bojq8KCzfo6XZLwSb4IIX5J3qpLYlxb9vjvt5T/s1600/IMG_6858.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFxtJi9G4OrUXvHbGqvWgcqx9Z35FeyLFbmGQOWvX2i76DQpRlK-UGRuYXDqFT-T1lu_8Ndstecnhubjx7ejwjRsYPVBm6vmI1iiIiZ0Bojq8KCzfo6XZLwSb4IIX5J3qpLYlxb9vjvt5T/s1600/IMG_6858.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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I realized while in Mumbai that despite genuinely
appreciating and enjoying the sights I visited, the temples I prayed in and the
encounters I had, I wasn’t fully there. I’ve gotten very easily adjusted living in close proximity to nature in my new home in the redwoods and hilly terrain of northern California. Being in such a metropolitan environment, even one surrounded by the
sea like Mumbai, forces me to close off parts of myself without my even realizing it. That
partial shutdown doesn’t allow me to be totally available to anything or
anyone. I need nature, Bhumi, my true love, to feel whole. That’s quite a
revelation for a girl who has lived her entire life in a city.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Driving to GEV, even as I fought back carsickness
bouncing along roads in desperate need of repair that are typical of rural
India, I felt a sense of calm coming over my body and mind. The embrace of the Sahyadri
Mountains surrounding me, the lush green from so many trees, the brilliance of blue in the midday sky and the sounds of birds singing sweetly were all balm to my
soul. I’d glimpsed that feeling in moments in the days prior – exploring the
stunning caves and carvings of Shiva on Elephanta Island and meditating in
solitude in the breathtaking Vipassanna Global Pagoda – but they were fleeting,
and the knowledge that I would settle here for a few days put me at ease.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJM90cAmJ827BpiHF63RB3xjhWelq2vrIbbmvr_GWNS2HcLRw5rcpjQYrOzfw7Ei-z3_83mgkoJV-M670uvn5G8ha-Y1l9gdA-TLNOJVPeuMLs2HAshJsneLxRHY-k_N7ID4jWUXfmusIF/s1600/IMG_6831.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJM90cAmJ827BpiHF63RB3xjhWelq2vrIbbmvr_GWNS2HcLRw5rcpjQYrOzfw7Ei-z3_83mgkoJV-M670uvn5G8ha-Y1l9gdA-TLNOJVPeuMLs2HAshJsneLxRHY-k_N7ID4jWUXfmusIF/s1600/IMG_6831.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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There’s a sensitivity to my system that I didn’t feel during
my prior encounters with this great love of mine. She’s been working on me even
while I was away, furthering my initiation to her wondrous ways, casting her
spell. She’s making me more discerning and challenging me to uphold her highest
standards in situations that are at times tricky to navigate. Again, it is her
demand of my full presence, and she is testing me to ensure my worthiness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet I clearly understand that I am not proving my worth to
her. No. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She already knows me better
than I know myself. And so these tests are for me. All of this is so I come to
know my own worth, my own truth and to understand not only what I’m made of but
also what I’m made for. This whole love affair is an elaborate teaching, and I,
the eager student, bow humbly at my guru’s feet. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6_vMSfg5U8pTpC6baqg-WypAriNR9HjoHYPsI6phMqn2K3XtsGP_i2HUceOG9lLDx4u52yWuh7jXWinAlpNvUmTkvYFoGuypOIR5nmKJF2CRTv8AVwOClSj9fgzFUDYd2ViXVIA7OB6P/s1600/IMG_6761.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6_vMSfg5U8pTpC6baqg-WypAriNR9HjoHYPsI6phMqn2K3XtsGP_i2HUceOG9lLDx4u52yWuh7jXWinAlpNvUmTkvYFoGuypOIR5nmKJF2CRTv8AVwOClSj9fgzFUDYd2ViXVIA7OB6P/s1600/IMG_6761.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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I feel full of adoration and awe, full of excitement to be
back with her, my teacher, my lover, my mother, my India. This leg of the journey
has only just begun, and yet I know it will be the most powerful and potent one
yet. I am in deeper communion with her than ever before, intent on opening
fully as a channel for Her grace to flow through- that is why I came. So the “why”
is clear. The “what” is the mystery set to unfold as I travel on.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-69480102460140976022014-10-27T01:54:00.000-04:002014-10-27T01:54:40.399-04:00Motion and stillness, silence and noise<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Driving home tonight I marveled at the slender, sensuous
sliver of moon adorning the dusk sky. I quickly called to mind the
voluptuous fullness of the blood moon I watched eclipse nearly three weeks ago
though it feels like just yesterday. How quickly this construct we call time
passes by! <o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6bT6vTMnJo-KHlo4araO2iqSRtWWCdYEjneWeIeXSSc1uHBvnNUo0ltLHBIMrGfSCmakoG-HM7PI4zm31_bjIn5r1z9ZMUqCcd-9LciImIBuQCnCitgPe_mGS7ze88FYLgKdpKMErBK0/s1600/moon-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6bT6vTMnJo-KHlo4araO2iqSRtWWCdYEjneWeIeXSSc1uHBvnNUo0ltLHBIMrGfSCmakoG-HM7PI4zm31_bjIn5r1z9ZMUqCcd-9LciImIBuQCnCitgPe_mGS7ze88FYLgKdpKMErBK0/s1600/moon-2.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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In the space between these vastly different vantage points
of mother moon, I too have passed quickly through a vast range of experiences
and energies. When last I sat to write I was preparing for my first foray into
Vipassana Meditation, ten days marked by silence and stillness, or so it seemed
to my uninitiated mind. That same mind was cranking out all sorts of thoughts,
worries and fears around the prospect of entering into that space, and I was
bracing myself to be confronted with substantial difficulty and discomfort.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ah, constructs of the mind!<o:p></o:p></div>
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In all my inner fuss over the challenges that lay before me
and the practices, routines and rituals I’d have to set aside for this period
of time, I hadn’t given much consideration to the fact that I would be
receiving what I now know to be a beautifully profound yet surprisingly simple
set of teachings around a very specific meditation technique, and staying so
very busy with that would leave little time for missing what fills my space and
time in day-to-day life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Stopping to fill my proverbial cup at the hot springs en
route to my Vipassana retreat, I found myself deeply drawn to a man who was
sharing with me in a ritual honoring the full moon. As we got to talking and
exploring this magnetic pull, I learned he had recently had his own experience
in the silence, and his guidance to me was simultaneously vague and deeply
reassuring: “You always have your breath” were his words to me. That seemed
logical enough. Focus on the breath is front and center in yogic practices, and
breath is the most essential element of life for us. So yes, of course I always
have my breath.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet in his knowing words was a deeper implication that I
would only come to understand through my own direct experience working the Vipassana
technique and, more importantly, allowing it to work on and through me. And therein
lies the true magic of Vipassana, in my opinion. It is a time tested (ya know, just 2500
years or so) and there are people all across the world from all races, faiths,
etc. who attest to its efficacy and adhere to its wisdom. Yet there’s no way I
could have fully understood it through them, just as I couldn’t really
understand it through the people in my life who have sat in this silence and
encouraged me to enter it as well. I had to have my own direct experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And that I did. After soaking my body in the healing waters
of the hot springs, nurturing my soul with the magic of the blood moon and
stirring my spirit through the spontaneous and fortuitous connection that came
about during the ritual, my tension eased, and I began to truly open to
whatever it was that Vipassana would want to give me. I arrived at the retreat
center the next day energized and excited, every cell of my being aligned and inspired
to embark upon this journey inward. I was ready.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Save for a brief settling in period the first evening, the
vow of Noble Silence was taken almost immediately and the structure of the
schedule we’d adhere to fell upon us. Up at 4am with every moment allocated
until 9pm. No exercise other than walking. No talking, gesturing or eye contact
among students. No dinner. No writing. No reading.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJGSLO66xrIjuC47K6jtQ-8MwpnbVuj1j2ntr7x9iCoq3YxN9CAECgKGLpIu13xvOVbgwXGVs2dVx35IigH8Yb713UD_qrc4hOk5Nje0XeUtouFmdR8mnpP-mvkyGN88AwpImX7GeUySa/s1600/meditation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJGSLO66xrIjuC47K6jtQ-8MwpnbVuj1j2ntr7x9iCoq3YxN9CAECgKGLpIu13xvOVbgwXGVs2dVx35IigH8Yb713UD_qrc4hOk5Nje0XeUtouFmdR8mnpP-mvkyGN88AwpImX7GeUySa/s1600/meditation.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a> </div>
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Inside of all that “no” I found myself open to a giant
“yes”. It started on Day One, which was actually the day after we arrived. As
soon as we began to receive instruction and I began to attune to the rhythm and
flow of the center, something in me relaxed and started to open into a state of total receptivity. It was my intention to open to a full embrace of everything and anything that wanted to show up in me throughout this experience taking hold viscerally, and from there I dropped in with surprising ease.<br />
<br />
This is not
to say I was instantly sitting in perfect stillness and experiencing bliss. To
the contrary, the first few days included trying out a wide variety of cushion
configurations to get myself as physically comfortable as possible, and I
believe it was Day Three when I wanted to jump out of my seat, cross the
meditation hall to the men’s side (did I mention the sexes are totally
separated?) and find the guy breathing like Darth Vader so I could strangle
him. Day 5 included a serious debate about whether or not I should reach out to my ex-husband to share the astonishing array of memories and insights that were surfacing around him and us. Somewhere around Day 7 or 8 I found myself scripting a YouTube parody of sitting through a Vipassana retreat, and I got stuck on creating a third verse to the song ;-) Challenges of all shapes, sizes and humors arose. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But challenges also pass away. Like waves in the ocean, no
sooner do they arise only to disappear back into the vastness. Nothing lasts
forever. Not our moments of sublime joy or our tortured sadness. Not the sweet
sensation of new love or the searing sting of betrayal. Not the height of
orgasmic pleasure or the ache of chronic pain. Our lives, as we try to define and
know them, are predicated on total impermanence. All that we are, right down to
our physical bodies, arises and passes way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That is the fundamental lesson that Vipassana, just like
practically every wisdom path, teaches. There is no point to attachment because
everything, and I do mean everything, changes. That’s just the nature of
things. Vipassana provides us with a direct experience of this phemomena via
the technique being taught. It encourages the necessary strengthening of equanimity
given the ephemeral nature of our very existence and that of the thoughts,
objects, relationships, etc. that we attach ourselves to. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But reading my words can’t really impart this any more than
reading the words of any of the great saints and sages of the world can without
you embodying their wisdom for yourself. And it turns out that Vipassana
Meditation is a highly embodied practice! I expected stillness, and yet
experienced near constant motion as I sat for over 100 hours inside of ten
days. I committed to silence, and yet engaged in a deep inner dialog and subtle
conversation with everyone around me, even if our lips never moved. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In that space I accessed memories long forgotten and tapped
into insights that existed on subtle conscious planes. I made amends, made
love, made music. I played the role of both teacher and student, imparting
lessons to myself and then integrating them into my being. It was totally
fascinating, and though my commitment was to cultivate neither cravings nor
aversions, but maintain balanced, harmonious equanimity, I must say I quite
liked it!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I liked being with my breath and my sensations. I liked the
peacefulness and the simplicity. I liked playing within my own energy field and
sensing into that of those around me without the usual distractions of our
modern world. I liked watching the evolution of my mind and body over the life
of the retreat. I liked walking among the pine trees during our breaks,
breathing deeply of their delicious scent when the sunlight hit them, and
communing deeper than ever with Mother Nature since even in the silence I could
still talk to her. I liked consciously practicing metta (loving kindness)
toward myself then gifting that to others with renewed understanding and
commitment. I liked bonding with new friends beyond the limitations of words
and form, then meeting each other within the world of words and form.<o:p></o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMqLnecVkAr-96Kzn2qMDB74rFv1PMusM8lLaBvxEvMfvdSHxkmW7ph3K0efPVXicE16-C5jGWzs4D18dWet3oNYeqkElAHbiv32Gq9SIB6M_YlGIufOCMomuLI7oLp7JdJeYc8fyw-GSb/s1600/pine-forest1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMqLnecVkAr-96Kzn2qMDB74rFv1PMusM8lLaBvxEvMfvdSHxkmW7ph3K0efPVXicE16-C5jGWzs4D18dWet3oNYeqkElAHbiv32Gq9SIB6M_YlGIufOCMomuLI7oLp7JdJeYc8fyw-GSb/s1600/pine-forest1.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I liked coming home. I liked returning to the feel of spring
water on my bare skin, penetrative eye gazing, lingering hugs and intriguing
conversations that first day back as I revisited the springs with fresh energy.
Back in my space, I like engaging my housemates in conversation as we pass each
other. I like waking up in the morning now and delighting in sitting in
“stillness” and “silence” for an hour, which would have seemed like a bit of a
chore, or at least a duty, previously. I like sharing my enthusiasm even while
knowing it isn’t for me to actually give that to anyone else. I couldn’t even
if I wanted to. Each one of us must experience it directly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My belief, my hope and my prayer is that we all will. If not
in this lifetime then in the next, or in however many it takes for this pathway
to peace to pervade the hearts of all beings everywhere. When we truly
understand the temporal, transient state that is the underlying, and unifying,
characteristic of all aspects of life as we know it on earth, we shift. We
shift into our highest consciousness, our pure Truth, the essence of the
witness who sees this all yet remains unchanged. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s such sweet comfort to know that until we get there,
we always have our breath.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bhavatu sabba mangalam. May all beings be happy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhczHanGXVTlnH7rCGuQgDMjA0X9m7qhkvN8Qr6syzYpPINZFJWzjIm0Z1yvhd9YmMQj78YJNh8PajBNsOYgyLQxujuFTkUc70ZRN-0l0cqzqBbAULbGcf-1Q4EdBigd-KmsTAneItYSCia/s1600/sn-goenka.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhczHanGXVTlnH7rCGuQgDMjA0X9m7qhkvN8Qr6syzYpPINZFJWzjIm0Z1yvhd9YmMQj78YJNh8PajBNsOYgyLQxujuFTkUc70ZRN-0l0cqzqBbAULbGcf-1Q4EdBigd-KmsTAneItYSCia/s1600/sn-goenka.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(If you’re interested in learning more about the technique
and retreats, visit <a href="http://www.dhamma.org/">http://www.dhamma.org</a> )<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-8522857284579650092014-10-07T11:10:00.001-04:002014-10-07T11:10:10.014-04:00Entering into silence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I awoke early today under the light of the moon, me who is a
child of the light. Rather than sunbeams reflecting off rolling hills while
birds sing their morning song, I was greeted by the spotlight-like intensity of
the glowing moon, just shy of her fullness, blazing a beam of insight through
the dark night sky. No birds called to me. There was only stillness and quiet. What
better metaphor for the journey I am about to enter into.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87NZNcpnP9LyxwlfX8UlzTkawhUO9An65_bnw9B4zxKSkjUz1S-t5MEYoYoewPp95T3xiS3niUR4DCsy489hiUJdX4Ym8mz8WNChDDLhnk3hbWv57Lrs_uTiVcph32Kvt1GrBWZU-wcKo/s1600/full+moon+light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87NZNcpnP9LyxwlfX8UlzTkawhUO9An65_bnw9B4zxKSkjUz1S-t5MEYoYoewPp95T3xiS3niUR4DCsy489hiUJdX4Ym8mz8WNChDDLhnk3hbWv57Lrs_uTiVcph32Kvt1GrBWZU-wcKo/s1600/full+moon+light.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a>Today I depart to enter into silence. Today I will turn away
from the oh-so-many outer distractions, indulgences and influences that fill my
vision and play upon my energy to take a journey inward. Today I will silence
my phone, silence my to-do list and silence all that exists outside of me in an
attempt to reach something akin to silence within. I will cast most of my life
into darkness and focus my beam of light on my inner world just like the moon
piercing the vast blackness of night.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll be sitting for my first-ever vipassana meditation
retreat. And if the word retreat conjures images of luxury and pampering, you
are mistaken. By all accounts this practice is quite austere. Sparse, simple
meals and accommodations, just the bare minimum to support you while your days
are spent largely in stillness and with almost total outer silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No eye contact. No conversation. No reading,
chanting mantras, prayer beads, yoga asana or journal writing. Basically
everything I do in the course of my normal daily spiritual practice must be put
aside and everyone I turn to for sharing and support must be cut off in order
for me to commit to this experience. I am easing in with a day of nature, then
comes ten days of dedicated vipassana practice followed by a final day of words
and outer engagement being reintroduced before returning home. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_BHKP2iU91F-bD-UAzp9_NithsMW3PRs8CAGFBSmv4UhxSggxAAwnupK2sEPZVSUcc-W2HuDEK4cqmHQ83VNJ3em-k4w4l08IwlCjBeXQS1g9UgYkKGWMJEHn9OOozmbuXh37gvQHx2NT/s1600/dhyana+mudra.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_BHKP2iU91F-bD-UAzp9_NithsMW3PRs8CAGFBSmv4UhxSggxAAwnupK2sEPZVSUcc-W2HuDEK4cqmHQ83VNJ3em-k4w4l08IwlCjBeXQS1g9UgYkKGWMJEHn9OOozmbuXh37gvQHx2NT/s1600/dhyana+mudra.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p>You may be wondering why on earth I’d voluntarily choose
this for myself. So am I.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I woke up this morning with a runny nose and an itch in my
throat having gone to bed feeling 110% fine last night, a sure sign of my body
protesting my heart’s decision. I’ve gone through the mental checklist of all
the things I’ll be missing out on while I’m away, weighing them on a proverbial
scale against the very substantial weight of this undertaking. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ve already begun to feel the wave of
contraction creep through me as emotions such as fear, intimidation and worry
arise in the face of this profound experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that is exactly why I’m going.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve taken some major leaps toward the things that I’m
afraid of lately, and yet I know I’m not done. Maybe I won’t be done after
vipassana either, but my gut and intuition both tell me I must do this
regardless. When I refer to my gut, I’m referring to my lower chakras, and when
I refer to my intuition, I’m referring to my higher chakras. That they are all
aligned behind this choice is all the confirmation I need to take yet another
leap. Only this time, unlike some of the recent leaps I’ve taken that were
actually away from certain things that were no longer of service to my highest
vision of myself, this time I’m leaping right into the fire so I can be burned
away and arise anew. This is my phoenix moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve conditioned myself to be quite masterful at moving
through emotions I don’t want to feel. Get knocked down? Not for long. Dust it
off, stand a little taller than before, keep moving. That’s me. Resilient.
Brave. Strong. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet there is a piece of
me who carries those bruises and scars. There is a place inside where I am the
shadow of who I show myself to be most of the time. Reticent. Fearful. Weak. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t want to be fragmented any longer. So I’m going
within to claim these pieces of myself and integrate them into the whole for I
know that it is only in my wholeness, in the whole of my pain as well as my
pleasure, that my full passion and purpose can pour through. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfMO-nQdsrSDoZQL73yrg0O9lT7ToFiubdBbzG4aijJDYroQBYW-81JYzNn5asSmYj_pX9rdz35axrDtyTMwgWt1nWmL-PQhmXC8l8OTv7ymIavNdi08T8nrsqCpgixVRTjnGOeQlYtCyN/s1600/embracing-womanhood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfMO-nQdsrSDoZQL73yrg0O9lT7ToFiubdBbzG4aijJDYroQBYW-81JYzNn5asSmYj_pX9rdz35axrDtyTMwgWt1nWmL-PQhmXC8l8OTv7ymIavNdi08T8nrsqCpgixVRTjnGOeQlYtCyN/s1600/embracing-womanhood.jpg" height="320" width="226" /></a>I am claiming the child within seeking approval and a sense
of safety. I am claiming the woman who longs to be held in loving, lasting
partnership. I am claiming the mother who aches to know the ultimate act of
creation and service. I am claiming the priestess who has held herself back and
kept herself small. I am claiming the author who has yet to commit to letting
her voice be heard. I am claiming the friend who desires to get as good as she
gives. I am claiming my grief, sadness, loneliness, pettiness, weakness, anger, lust,
greed, yearning and everything else that lives in the darkness of my shadow,
claiming it so I can bring it forward to become one with my light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This sense of separation I’ve lived with, that most of us
live with, is a prison. It keeps us locked away from the fullness and richness
of our lives. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth is I actually
love my life and recognize the abundance of blessings in it already. So imagine
how it would be then to grow that love and increase that abundance by bringing
ALL of me forth into the light of my life? And if I can manage that, how sweet
will it be to eliminate any sense of separation between me and all my brothers
and sisters, the flora and fauna, and the Mother who birthed us all?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp5YYCK_0YEqlDyeR2DsCSfIbdKHc41DhYnSPOaGadesGNouwr82jt_ctg_MQYrws_PVW4g-Hjp-GPGFpuFjGMym72020WlLV5McFOxGZSNqczCy_xRkeh4l-JV2tOLc-8a5-8rFingIcx/s1600/PhoenixRising.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp5YYCK_0YEqlDyeR2DsCSfIbdKHc41DhYnSPOaGadesGNouwr82jt_ctg_MQYrws_PVW4g-Hjp-GPGFpuFjGMym72020WlLV5McFOxGZSNqczCy_xRkeh4l-JV2tOLc-8a5-8rFingIcx/s1600/PhoenixRising.jpg" height="320" width="206" /></a>My journey into silence will not be easy. I anticipate feeling
pain on every possible level. I’d be lying if I said I’m fully prepared for
that because how can I be? I’ve never done this before. I have no way of
knowing just what will arise throughout these ten days. I know what my intention for this experience is.
I know I have the power to choose my reaction to this experience, just as I can
choose what it is I need to burn away in the fire of purification so that I may
arise anew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I choose integration. I
choose wholeness. I choose to bring darkness into light. I choose a life lived
fully and authentically. I choose my phoenix moment. </div>
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See you on the other side!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-39939487153587802682014-09-29T01:07:00.000-04:002014-09-29T01:08:20.717-04:00This is how I pray<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAsIBipLEdwPJCl9JR8YF5eKY1hfl1qb_wyfMCC-ruWMvZpPJGR62l9MpfG_4jsyTX9GNcX1y_KhNnm69lMqdL9NXWPpFfajAQcdGXzF73b0XLWoc07RIjp0Pnn-eavg-f8JU6ZknNs3Bv/s1600/twin+flame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAsIBipLEdwPJCl9JR8YF5eKY1hfl1qb_wyfMCC-ruWMvZpPJGR62l9MpfG_4jsyTX9GNcX1y_KhNnm69lMqdL9NXWPpFfajAQcdGXzF73b0XLWoc07RIjp0Pnn-eavg-f8JU6ZknNs3Bv/s1600/twin+flame.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
This is how I pray.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Still and silent, seated in solitude, cosmic energy swirls
within. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Palms joined, or perhaps uplifted, sacred syllables fall
from my lips.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Feet to the earth, one step, two, following the pilgrims
pace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Joined in communion, dancing, twirling, music guiding me
home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Enveloped by the ocean, or maybe a river, sinking and
floating are one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Pressed against lover’s flesh, passion pulsing from groin
and chest, Divine union.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Synagogue, mosque, temple, forest, behind the wheel of my
car.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Fingers at the keyboard, pen to paper, let it freely flow. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Lit by candles, or perhaps sparkling stars, no distinction
behind closed eyes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Holy days, rainy days, every single new day I wake to see
the sun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Laughing, crying, contemplating, articulating, the prayer is
never done.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
For as many souls as there are shining, there
are that many ways to pray.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
And that brings me to this inquiry, the burning question for today. . .</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
What is prayer to you? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When you pray, what do you say?</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Who do you say it to? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Do you do it everyday?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
There is no wrong or right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
We each find our own way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When you say it, say it true.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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This is how I pray.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-89109236764539289882014-09-24T22:17:00.000-04:002014-09-24T22:18:05.512-04:00Release and fall away<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
The energy of this moment is potent, so very potent. The
Autumn Equinox has just brought us forth into a season of harvesting bounty and
shedding leaves. A new moon is close upon us, always a time of renewal and
focused intention. It is Rosh Hashannah, the new year of the Jewish calendar,
and Navaratri, the nine nights of the Divine Mother for Hindus. The confluence
of these occasions stirs me from within, sparking surges of insight in my mind,
rolling waves of pranic force in my body and a tender sweetness in my heart as
I honor and revere the sacred wisdom and traditions associated with them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYzARfFStDxyLbeEvx8kpsTTIEbl4HaBfJe8KhO6UVqV_hKxKvw0C3nTWDoX7Ap3Bz8BY0i5Xdhh7IUkvcnnzPSS7-AsIZBHdx8IjVtSrMnJNfBX3OAONysqWY0f1Bh0alBEwjK2Fb1p4z/s1600/The_Leaf_Charmer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYzARfFStDxyLbeEvx8kpsTTIEbl4HaBfJe8KhO6UVqV_hKxKvw0C3nTWDoX7Ap3Bz8BY0i5Xdhh7IUkvcnnzPSS7-AsIZBHdx8IjVtSrMnJNfBX3OAONysqWY0f1Bh0alBEwjK2Fb1p4z/s1600/The_Leaf_Charmer.jpg" height="231" width="320" /></a>We are all children of Mother Nature, and as her children we
live by her rhythms and cycles. For something new to begin, something else must
end. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Energy is infinite, and we do not
create or destroy it so much as channel and transmute it. So it is with the
seasons and the phases of the moon. So it is with seasons and phases of our
lives.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I have been reflecting on this delicate and powerful
portal we are passing through right now, a question came to me, a gift from the
Universe. A friend posed it to me, asking with rawness and earnestness, as a
love that has long been dying seems to have finally met its end. “How much
heartbreak can one heart take?” she asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My answer flowed immediately, and its timeliness was as
immediately apparent. “Your heart will take as many breaks as your soul needs
to experience. Your soul is limitless strength and utter tenderness and
everything in between, experiencing itself through this most human of pains,”
was my reply. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so it is. Whether heartbreak or heart opening, sadness
or joy, we experience what we need to experience as many times as is necessary
for our soul’s journey.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZBw4iQDDYxos8RxcJIHvfLCTu9YQfFKTEDdOM_V8w4ivwpAVuoW1SgT4IkKwzy_FeXcyxC5Gq8JrIlxGfRkQQ8g4NzurAjtNo0EN8BGY6kd7Vujk59E1wTNZZu8BJDonka5Pl1v1NgPnF/s1600/harvest+moon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZBw4iQDDYxos8RxcJIHvfLCTu9YQfFKTEDdOM_V8w4ivwpAVuoW1SgT4IkKwzy_FeXcyxC5Gq8JrIlxGfRkQQ8g4NzurAjtNo0EN8BGY6kd7Vujk59E1wTNZZu8BJDonka5Pl1v1NgPnF/s1600/harvest+moon.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a>We live season to season, phase to phase, moment to moment
and breath to breath. One gives way to another as we cycle through the
encounters and experiences that sometimes feel oppressively repetitive so we
may learn, or better, remember, whatever it is our soul needs. The moon doesn’t
complain of its constant cycling. The seasons don’t tire of coming around again
year after year. So why then do we take issue with living through the same
emotions again? And of course these are select emotions. Have you heard someone
complain of being too happy for too long? Likely not. But too sad for too long,
too scared for too long, that is a common complaint among us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just as there is more darkness than light during the days of
fall and winter than spring and summer, there come times in our lives when we
are meant to experience pain. Pain is a precious teacher. We sense our very
vitality through it, but more, we cultivate qualities such as empathy and
compassion, as well as come to understand how we can better chart our course in
life through periods of pain. Then, when the cycle of pain comes to its end, we
are equipped to move forward with grace and more fully enjoy the pleasure, joy
and light of the spring and summer seasons of our lives.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlCsGyBJh4aON4b807QViyW4lmr-dWcwnGyAfaJ3mZUWu2i6TewZKApPf7mlQptL1IxobGvSQwDZyDw6eND2lmD50Byb9eLEH8UFPZMmJ943_HhV-c1Hr4tyPE1laeM49VrWqGzE721YW/s1600/autumn-falling-leaf-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><br /></a>Where many of us go astray is in attaching suffering to our
pain. That is neither the soul’s desire nor its intention. The ego is at play
when we suffer, clinging fiercely to that which no longer serves us. Yet if we
could be like leaves on a tree in autumn and allow ourselves to release and
fall away, rather than holding on tight, we would experience the divine beauty
and blessing of our pain without the bitter edge that suffering brings. Like
fallen leaves we would use those emotions and experiences to enrich the soil of
our lives, making it fertile for the seeds we plant so they may grow and blossom
as fully and heartily as possible. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlCsGyBJh4aON4b807QViyW4lmr-dWcwnGyAfaJ3mZUWu2i6TewZKApPf7mlQptL1IxobGvSQwDZyDw6eND2lmD50Byb9eLEH8UFPZMmJ943_HhV-c1Hr4tyPE1laeM49VrWqGzE721YW/s1600/autumn-falling-leaf-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlCsGyBJh4aON4b807QViyW4lmr-dWcwnGyAfaJ3mZUWu2i6TewZKApPf7mlQptL1IxobGvSQwDZyDw6eND2lmD50Byb9eLEH8UFPZMmJ943_HhV-c1Hr4tyPE1laeM49VrWqGzE721YW/s1600/autumn-falling-leaf-3.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a> </div>
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Release and fall away, Dear One. Drop down into the lap of
the Mother and be held. Let the energy of the new moon infuse you with her
essence. Prepare for the harvest lovingly, openly, so that you may reap the
purest seeds of your soul when the time comes. Be renewed. Be reborn. Be. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Namaste.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-13913251320519556382014-08-12T09:47:00.000-04:002014-08-12T09:47:49.006-04:00I don't want to feel alone<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“I don’t want to feel alone.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Such a simple, even common, statement, yet when I heard it spoken the other night in a sacred space of truthful, soulful, beautiful sharing, its nuanced complexity struck me, hard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I’ve said these very words, certainly thought them, often enough. Each prior time they arose in my heart or mind, or passed through my lips, I was vibrating from a desire to not experience loneliness, a desire to know there was someone by my side, holding my hand or holding space, traveling down the path with me. It was a desire to feel supported, protected, seen. We are social beings and thrive in community. We gravitate toward partnership and collaboration. We are biologically built for it and emotionally conditioned for it. When it’s all said and done, none of us wants to feel alone. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElzo9c_U48XbL-dPsxBURyrlYN8XmtNmXQS-BisKdc5Ya94NYZQSCHJsAJfbARDn8C-rkZAg48DJlpApXYTjxrVY2cCLzmxWYR48gZMjphhbOpDWC_CohkAbA6Cq6nQUBVviDm01FCAkN/s1600/alone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElzo9c_U48XbL-dPsxBURyrlYN8XmtNmXQS-BisKdc5Ya94NYZQSCHJsAJfbARDn8C-rkZAg48DJlpApXYTjxrVY2cCLzmxWYR48gZMjphhbOpDWC_CohkAbA6Cq6nQUBVviDm01FCAkN/s1600/alone.jpg" height="133" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yet there is another way to interpret the statement “I don’t want to feel alone.” It could express the very specific desire not to feel – happiness, sadness, joy, grief, hope, hurt, or whatever emotion on the spectrum – on one’s own. To navigate the waters of feeling, at times calm and clear, at others stormy and tumultuous, without that same sense of companionship is a daunting task for many. It’s a daunting task for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I’ve long understood that the reason I’m so inclined to openly express my feelings, whether by talking or writing, is because it is a fundamental way for me to share their weight, texture and shape with someone outside of myself. For me this is a crucial way in which I process those very feelings and come to know myself better. More, it’s the best way I know not to be overcome by them, and it’s the best way I know to build authentic connections with others. I need to let my feelings out, give them voice, sunlight, and room to breathe. And I need to know I can safely and honestly do so in the company of another who is willing and able to receive me in my Truth.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSYlfU_Unxn-YibU_bkoCG80rkNRaVT6BwbLEYUDmZfoCkf3Tb1eQlYJUxsRrfQSqOYpZsFo17NqSK71o-8ZjD9GBnX82r27sWzQG6AJAOGF81Kj9Hkti0lHRJ1ZL-8WZLW706XMd2hbxX/s1600/alone-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSYlfU_Unxn-YibU_bkoCG80rkNRaVT6BwbLEYUDmZfoCkf3Tb1eQlYJUxsRrfQSqOYpZsFo17NqSK71o-8ZjD9GBnX82r27sWzQG6AJAOGF81Kj9Hkti0lHRJ1ZL-8WZLW706XMd2hbxX/s1600/alone-2.jpg" height="135" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I do not want to feel alone, for feeling alone overwhelms me. “What if I drown in my own tears? What if I combust from my exploding joy?” These aren’t rational, conscious questions I ask myself, yet they have a certain resonance, a ring of truthfulness that someone small and quiet inside of me connects to. “And isn’t it so much better to share?” she says. “Yes,” I say. “Yes, it is.”</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo7w_kxTCUck9oJXUn2WT5WKDm-KyE8gEwezzkHJeO_MJT-dlxgSeEZ0edfFid3Ouviz0HiiX-Q4Q5k6hyzM8uhALE1Zgt4jSGxY3Z2GTy_lhRLvqBBV-Nn13HkSK974Y8Q5delrSaSnd2/s1600/Prayer+Circle-2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I do. I seek out those very beings who are willing and able to receive me in my Truth and I open to them. I am not one to sob into my pillow behind closed doors for days on end. I am not the one to quietly demure when I am bursting with ecstatic bliss. I wear my heart on my proverbial sleeve, and whether my eyes sparkle from glistening tears or radiant delight, I keep them open wide for they are the windows to my soul and that is the place I seek to connect from. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I do not want to feel alone.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sFWsCNt7gcs9HfLGn_PvcwgqjR3fWOjk8nipJxariKjCvTjb3bNLudVGYcBBSSmvMNff4Io5Y5-CuSteeSq8tP7VL6WUM7hWmfrj4Q_lLOoCbS2uF4LcylEH3pDKj-FA2kEZ1iqdNbAA/s1600/prayercircle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sFWsCNt7gcs9HfLGn_PvcwgqjR3fWOjk8nipJxariKjCvTjb3bNLudVGYcBBSSmvMNff4Io5Y5-CuSteeSq8tP7VL6WUM7hWmfrj4Q_lLOoCbS2uF4LcylEH3pDKj-FA2kEZ1iqdNbAA/s1600/prayercircle.jpg" height="128" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It wouldn’t be surprising if I were feeling alone right now. It hasn’t been very long since I broke up with a dearly beloved partner and moved clear across the country to a place where I scarcely knew another soul. Both loneliness and the overwhelm of experiencing my emotions on my own would make sense given the circumstances. Yet I stopped playing victim to my circumstances a long time ago. I am victim to nothing and no one. I choose my life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I have chosen with tremendous purpose and clarity. I have chosen not to feel alone, but to feel together, united, connected. I have chosen to call in new community, friendships, and opportunities to share in a space of Truth. I’ve chosen to surround myself with a tribe that vibrates at a frequency resonant with my own so that together we can feel, share and be our most authentic selves. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Knowing that choice, it’s also not surprising that I found myself in that deliciously sacred space a few nights ago so that those tender and profound words could fall upon my ears so softly and with such strength. I was amidst an intimate birthday gathering for a very special member of my newly found tribe. And the celebrant’s request, as we sat together in a cozy, warm, lovingly held circle, was for us to share a piece of our beauty. What, I wonder, could be more beautiful than expressing the Truth of your heart and having those feelings freely received with absence of judgment and total presence of spirit, body and mind, by another being?</span></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-76314914885744701232014-07-01T11:29:00.000-04:002014-07-02T16:08:08.703-04:00Longing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I wanted from you what you did not have to give. It wasn’t
that you didn’t want to. You couldn’t. I see that now. I see all I hold so dear
about you, not those things you couldn’t or wouldn’t be. I see You as you are. Heartbreak
heals through rose-colored glasses, a shadow of pink to tint my longing. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In the shadow of my longing I see you, honey skin, earthen
eyes, Beloved embodied. I see you where you are not, beside me in bed when I
wake in the morning. My eyes flutter open some days, searching the sheets for
your form. Other days they stay closed up tight, searching within for the
embers of love that live in me even though you do not anymore.</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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In the shadow of my longing I feel you, steady breath, strong
hands, Beloved embodied. I feel you where you are not, walking alongside me as I move
through my day. My fingers reach to twine themselves around yours some days,
walking with the ghost of your form. Other days they ball into fists or open
into grace, gestures of moving through the process of moving on.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In the shadow of my longing I hear you, sensual tone, deep
resonance, Beloved embodied. I hear you singing to me, showering praise and
adoration from your heart to mine. My ears strain to catch a whisper of your
silken voice some days. Other days my song fills them so sweetly, remembering
these words were always mine to begin with.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In the shadow of my longing I taste you, salty sweet, sex
and dirt, Beloved embodied. I taste your skin beneath the tiny mountain range
of my tongue; feel my mouth full of your passion and pleasure. My lips seek
yours for kisses some days, gentle and quick, long and strong. Other days they
kiss sun ripened fruit and cheeks of dear Ones, and their sweetness and mine
fulfill me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In the shadow of my longing I find me, raw vulnerability,
fierce strength, Beloved embodied. I embody all that it is to be a woman,
seeing, feeling, hearing and tasting what is Real. My entire being flows with
the rhythms of Mother Earth. Some days I am in constant motion, dancing,
writhing, strutting, soaring, staking my claim. Other days I am in stillness,
contemplating, meditating, germinating, creating, staking my claim. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My claim.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I CLAIM ME. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In the shadow of my longing I find what I wanted from you, I
had all along. Always did and always will. Beloved embodied am I.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-87710147450461518642014-06-19T16:17:00.000-04:002014-06-19T16:18:04.267-04:00From Nowhere to Now Here<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">My fisted hands are now open palms. It's been years of
prying this grasp loose, and finally it has happened. It hurts deeply, the
stiffness and aching from so much pressure. I let go. I cultivate trust. I
believe in Love. The pain will subside. This I know is True.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">Shakti is awakening. It's time.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUtqMnxiE6X6NFFwyGnN-iUrsO7y5k6K84tqGCmbF43RmhBzx8rBXADgnvCn-nYZiv2DLBphlyfEhEXPDdeP-Wkw-b04V17f38Gzc4bHWXEaSYt2A1L6-4WnW3douJ5FSa9cAFYJafcwD/s1600/open+hand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUtqMnxiE6X6NFFwyGnN-iUrsO7y5k6K84tqGCmbF43RmhBzx8rBXADgnvCn-nYZiv2DLBphlyfEhEXPDdeP-Wkw-b04V17f38Gzc4bHWXEaSYt2A1L6-4WnW3douJ5FSa9cAFYJafcwD/s1600/open+hand.jpg" height="221" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">I wrote these words the other day
sitting in a space beyond our common constructs of place and time. I wrote them
from Now Here, which has no understanding of past or future for this space is
Infinite, always was and always will be. This space exists in my heart and is
made of my Soul. This is the space of Truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">After so much energy invested in "soul searching" for so long, I recently found myself face to face with what I
had been searching for, even if it didn’t look exactly as I’d imagined. My Soul
longed for freedom of movement, travel and exploring new places to call home.
I’ve now taken up residence in my third time zone in as many months and feel
strongly called toward planting myself here for a while. My Soul longed for
creative expression. I’ve made the bold move of redefining my work life to
devote more of myself to pursuits and offerings that nurture my Shakti flow, my
creative essence. My Soul longed for an enlightened partnership. I’ve had the
privilege of loving and being loved by someone so conscious that together we
started and ended our relationship in sacred Tantric ritual, and uphold our commitment to the others’ evolution and well being as much as our own whether
we’re together or apart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5WwZpuitMTHqhyphenhyphencjbADx5x7-cxSVI1qho0IJS7mKoZ6lpnyFP95Rni3_FqQjN889mWEtvkkJa2kGOhua_yc6lH1QDGte7dQPAMwpyLL2K5Hi3iBAiI94Kt68lZruSKEFv-wRY3aSFHgB7/s1600/stool.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5WwZpuitMTHqhyphenhyphencjbADx5x7-cxSVI1qho0IJS7mKoZ6lpnyFP95Rni3_FqQjN889mWEtvkkJa2kGOhua_yc6lH1QDGte7dQPAMwpyLL2K5Hi3iBAiI94Kt68lZruSKEFv-wRY3aSFHgB7/s1600/stool.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">Home. Job. Relationship. Picture
a three-legged stool, with each of these </span><span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">holding up the seat, and the seat is
Sense of Self. Most of us define ourselves by these external factors and they
uphold the image we project outwardly as well as identify with
inwardly. I just chopped the legs off my stool inside the span of a few short
months, and now all I’m left to sit in is the seat of Self. I’m left with the
chance to feel into Who I AM. And by the Grace of Goddess, I know all I AM
left with is absolutely enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">When I wrote those words the
other day, I had just finished enjoying some much needed rest and rejuvenation at
the Sivananda ashram in Grass Valley, CA, consoling my weary heart and clearing
my cluttered mind after a lot of upheaval in the weeks, really months, prior. I
needed the solace of nature and the spiritual community that has held me for so
many years. I communed in sweet silence with Ganesha, Krsna, Siva and Durga. I
chanted their Holy names with all the love and devotion in my heart. I poured
out pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and revelations into my journal and
ultimately in messages to the Beloved who was not mine to have anymore for we had
come to a crossroads and chose different paths. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">I began to glimpse the sense of clarity I'd yearned for, yet the Truth of that precise moment before those
words came was things weren’t clear at all. That I had no idea of where to call
home, how I would earn a living and whether or not a loving, intimate partnership made to go the distance was in my destiny had me in a state of flux. I had been
working hard to establish myself in the space of Now Here, and it seemed I was
making real progress until I heard my former Beloved’s voice on the line and felt the
surge of hazy emotion threaten to overtake me, dragging me down to Nowhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">Nowhere is most certainly not
where I choose to be. I choose to be Now Here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAelLdkWcELCOaMseNpMMucC1Eq3C7y0BmL5oGTi6tJUWh8g0rmbnyGdkiRgezBOls5G2Rk-is5ERIC7ym5wUxdLjPtY7u77wK7ekEs6tKmnpf-E_EBZkBEFq7zB7rSnNQV1yiprvSohJ/s1600/awaken+goddess.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAelLdkWcELCOaMseNpMMucC1Eq3C7y0BmL5oGTi6tJUWh8g0rmbnyGdkiRgezBOls5G2Rk-is5ERIC7ym5wUxdLjPtY7u77wK7ekEs6tKmnpf-E_EBZkBEFq7zB7rSnNQV1yiprvSohJ/s1600/awaken+goddess.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">So I entered Now Here’s glorious
gates. I was sitting outside the home of a Soul sister and mentor who I had
been called to connect with, and who, by the Grace of Goddess, had heard the
call too and answered it. In preparation for this auspicious meeting I
channeled the flow of Shakti in me, moving Her abundant goodness through me
with my breath, feeling every cell of my being soften as the vibration of Om came
forth. Healing comes from the heart. Healing comes from within.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">In the span of time we spent
together, this sister of my Soul helped bring me to the undeniable recognition
that I had landed exactly where I asked to be all along. I had brought my Self
to this space of Now Here, and from it I could time travel into my “future” at
will, feel into and see what it looks like to be living the life my Soul is
truly meant for. I had a visceral experience with the relativity of time, understanding it as the arbitrary construct it is. There was nothing more to search for. It is all Now Here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a313d; font-family: Helvetica;">Many nuances of the path I tread are still unknown to
me. Many alternative routes exist for my choosing. Many chances to relearn and relive this
sort of experience are likely to present themselves as I continue forward, occasionally crossing the line back into familiar Nowhere, only so I may continue strengthening
my commitment to being Now Here. I accept and embrace all of this for I know the hardest part is over. I let go of my iron grip and opened myself to receive the Grace I was born for. Shakti is awake and alive in me.
Now is her time. Here is her place. I AM ready, come what may.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-8816382499110102012014-06-13T02:49:00.000-04:002014-06-13T03:02:21.352-04:00Wings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWywbaX_R4kpYyZ4qJCSTmzD39mgSJdgMbX60cHP5a54b1siUB_m1ZF2mvGDAfRObjJ8mgoNU78jgfFoszced2aAAas9G6SpoAIXidFkjeZFCrJtxc0a6EnYajda5RMQdeS5-I0WauTX4l/s1600/Full-Moon_2624117b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWywbaX_R4kpYyZ4qJCSTmzD39mgSJdgMbX60cHP5a54b1siUB_m1ZF2mvGDAfRObjJ8mgoNU78jgfFoszced2aAAas9G6SpoAIXidFkjeZFCrJtxc0a6EnYajda5RMQdeS5-I0WauTX4l/s1600/Full-Moon_2624117b.jpg" height="248" width="400" /></a>Cool air caresses my skin as my heart pumps warmth steadily through
my chest. I stand under the glow of the gloriously full moon, in awe of her power, aware of her pull, a mantra of new
beginnings passing through my lips. I shiver, whether from the breeze or a
premonition I can’t be sure. Both are equally real to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The breeze blows change into my atmosphere, filling me first
with the unsettled yet enticing feeling of chaos that precedes all meaningful
transformation. I take it in like I would a breath of fresh air after being
held under water. It stings a bit even as it tastes of salvation. I gasp
hungrily. I fight for a life worth living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am ready.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The premonition: I feel in my bones just as strongly as in
my soul this change is truly significant. It’s been a long time coming. There
have been many partial attempts, many false starts. There has been trepidation,
fear and my inner critic holding me captive, keeping me smaller than I truly
am. I have hurt myself and hurt those that I love as I’ve stayed mired in this
self-imposed struggle. I am moving beyond all that now. I am ready. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Honoring the Goddess, the Mother, the Divine Feminine has
been my path for so long. I took Durga as my deity, Gauri as my name many years
ago, never imagining the form my worship would take, the place it would bring
me to. Here, now, I know there is no separation from “them” and “me” so I must
worship myself. I am Shakti incarnate, Devi on this earthly plane. I revere
myself as an embodiment of spirit, a vehicle for Light to shine through. I am
pulling back the curtains now. I am ready to reveal myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The revelation unfolds like rolling waves upon the shore,
varied in size and intensity yet constant. I come to know myself more with each
breath, tear and smile, each perceived loss and gain. When I ache with the
deepest of pain or soar with the purest of ecstasy, I am revealing myself, to
me and to the world, more and more. As I go along I recognize the identity I’ve
put forth, the hats I’ve worn and the roles I’ve played prior pale in
comparison to the full depth and scope of my Divine Being. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve stayed hidden and small behind unhealthy patterns:
money earned without passion, obligations fulfilled without pleasure, Truth
heard without listening. No more. The Goddess does not play small, settle or
sell herself short. The Goddess transcends shame, doubt and judgment, standing
in Her full power in all ways.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBslLNxEyjyJpyuVmlYzfIZKQbL4F_4itI9YFHMZuFbishQfNLUO-RZio1pvwWd5xoHlnAgIUKZNuzkx7StDn_BWvrSEugvgvlnXDG0TftREljFA22Pz0cNFbcFw4G0zZBy_UpJK_JQUFh/s1600/angel+wings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBslLNxEyjyJpyuVmlYzfIZKQbL4F_4itI9YFHMZuFbishQfNLUO-RZio1pvwWd5xoHlnAgIUKZNuzkx7StDn_BWvrSEugvgvlnXDG0TftREljFA22Pz0cNFbcFw4G0zZBy_UpJK_JQUFh/s1600/angel+wings.jpg" height="320" width="265" /></a></div>
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So here I stand, light of the moon upon me, light of my
heart shining, ready to shed what no longer serves me. I stand naked, ready to
be seen in my vulnerability just as much as my Divinity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stand on the edge, knowing that the jump
always looks more daunting from here than it is once you’re on your way. The
hardest part is taking that leap and trusting the Universal energy to support
you. Naked though I may be, I have full faith that once I step off, I will be cloaked
with the wings I need to fly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-33381621239892014962014-06-05T09:19:00.002-04:002014-06-05T22:57:13.042-04:00I AM <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am an explorer. I like to set off on journeys, travel to
places unknown, immerse myself in languages, scents and sounds that are
unfamiliar, attune myself to the local vibration. This has fueled my passion
for visiting foreign countries, and it is also why I am so intrigued by inner
journeys, spiritual quests. There is an endless amount of mystery and wonder
within each of us, so even though I’ve been physically traveling almost non-stop
for the last several months, the most significant exploration of all has been
to places unknown, or at least forgotten, within myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At the start of this year a few pivotal events transpired
that set the stage for this particular adventure, so allow me to share the
backstory: On New Years Day I met a man who stirred something in my soul that
I’d never felt before, and cliché though it may sound, I knew as soon as I laid
eyes on him that this was something major. The following day he facilitated my
formal introduction to the path of Tantra, which was one of those sun rays
shining, angels singing, ah-hah moments as I finally had a framework and a
vocabulary for the direction my heart and soul had been moving in all along. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Years of practicing hatha yoga, which is also
a Tantric path, coupled with exploring my spirituality and sexuality, had me tiptoeing around
the edges, but now I’d finally crossed the threshold. The day after that, we
marked the beginning of a new seven-year cycle for him, celebrating his
birthday and fanning the flames of a serious spark between us. I can count on
both hands the number of days it took for that spark to become a burning fire,
and it wasn’t all that long after that we solidified our commitment to journey
deeper down the path hand in hand and heart to heart. So when he told me his
immediate path would take him to his family’s land in northeast Alabama for a
few months, I told him I wanted to go too. Something profound had been set in
motion between us, and I wasn’t prepared to stop the momentum with a prolonged
separation. Simple as that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6LyaIG2lmNh_hyphenhyphennlsifAEUjMUwrj_Yji0hvvTV3_F3OwgfNCtEO_IlXEP6sjp3qDJRMA5m3zDUlbcuX6AyUwGJdgXONEcLsKq_QSbw71kwApTLpnfWaERQquajr0uClItDke2QxUWbqLj/s1600/shiva-shakti.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6LyaIG2lmNh_hyphenhyphennlsifAEUjMUwrj_Yji0hvvTV3_F3OwgfNCtEO_IlXEP6sjp3qDJRMA5m3zDUlbcuX6AyUwGJdgXONEcLsKq_QSbw71kwApTLpnfWaERQquajr0uClItDke2QxUWbqLj/s1600/shiva-shakti.jpg" height="400" width="281" /></a><o:p></o:p></div>
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It turns out, much of what has occurred since has been
anything but simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting here might
have been easy, but being here simply has not been simple. When two seekers on
the path fall in step with one another, you can be certain there is significant
work to be done between them. It will be an exploration of epic proportions. Whether
the relationship is that of a teacher and a student, family, friends or lovers,
this kind of connection is based on soul contracts, commitments made to one
another at a level beyond conscious understanding, designed to facilitate
expansion and ascension. It’s the journey of a lifetime, or many lifetimes, and
it is all about growth. And as with all growth, there are bound to be growing
pains. Let’s just say I have been all sorts of achy recently!<o:p></o:p></div>
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As I’ve delved Tantra, I’ve been digging deep into the
recesses of my heart, seeking out the trauma stored in my body, unearthing the
unhealed wounds that cause me to lash out when triggered, with the aim of
liberating myself from them. If you thought Tantra was all about prolonged
orgasms, think again. Sure you can have those, eventually, but that is far from
the sole focus. Tantra is about Self love and celebrating your own Divinity. It is the balanced, harmonious union of masculine and feminine. It
is about intimacy and compassion. But in order to get to what it’s really
about, you have to go through your story, your pain. And if you’re doing this
work in partnership, you’re going to be faced with your beloved’s story and
pain too. You’re going to trigger and be triggered. The ecstasy and joy
commonly associated with Tantra are unquestionably part of it too, as these are
our True nature. Yet most of us are extremely far removed from that, so it
takes serious work to get there. And when I say work, I mean down, dirty, heavy
lifting kind of work. So be prepared . . . it’s likely going to hurt, for a
while anyway. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbod3xhFPtxNmRBCcZd9AskvPvjhPXHKSg8zkKxd1oA4Z1iirm5F7NSvFle-6XL6JBt6ySQj2GnVTNRRdAna2wLGXGRgu9RxJYkwNkGs-pCGQQQtUeUJGSXna5Q2bKyk1jXyTu0Ze-ux8/s1600/goddess4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbod3xhFPtxNmRBCcZd9AskvPvjhPXHKSg8zkKxd1oA4Z1iirm5F7NSvFle-6XL6JBt6ySQj2GnVTNRRdAna2wLGXGRgu9RxJYkwNkGs-pCGQQQtUeUJGSXna5Q2bKyk1jXyTu0Ze-ux8/s1600/goddess4.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
My hurt is quite vicious. It unsheathes itself in the form
heavy criticism, biting words, a barrage of judgments, and masterful
manipulations. My hurt is also quite cunning, as is true for most. It projects onto
others, casting blame outward to avoid looking, and feeling, inward. My hurt
pours heavy sadness, anxiety and frustration upon me, pinning me down with its
weight so I do not feel free to move energy as needed. My hurt insists on being
seen, heard and felt, and will go to great lengths, breaking me down, bringing
me to inconsolable tears and overwhelming grief, punishment for myself and
those around me. My hurt is not pretty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
But I am. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b>I AM. </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b>I AM Shakti, the Divine feminine, glorious, radiant, benevolent
being. It is high time I remembered this and stopped identifying with my hurt.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I am not my hurt. This I know to be True. My hurt is a
story, albeit a convincing, moving, powerful one, but it is still just a story.
Tantra teaches us to uncover our stories and see them for what they really are
so we can transcend them. It is a path to healing, and when you’re hurting,
healing is exactly what is needed. In the last month I’d gotten to the point
where practically all I knew and all I saw was the hurt. Moments of clarity
arose in between, and I genuinely showed up as my joyful Goddess self in them, but
they’d fade far too quickly. I came dangerously close to losing sight altogether
of the fact that I’d embarked on this journey to facilitate healing and
Self-discovery. Very gratefully, my beloved hadn’t lost sight of this, and insisted
that something had to shift. He loved himself enough and had enough clarity of
mind to be firm in this Truth. My story resisted at first, but it was a feeble
attempt. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and deep down I knew he was completely
right. So I listened, and I shifted.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNm11rytqcPQPn2O8zJPAtoAVzl-UIA2AI82OV90GAU53aSQeKU_dryR8ZsDWnkaNzq1deRTRs4wDU1Y5QEnY0nxAQzrju8msPs_1J44FHVUlhdunQQYZozIPbHfKYYUkM-mH_Tc4hmNCv/s1600/moon_godd611.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNm11rytqcPQPn2O8zJPAtoAVzl-UIA2AI82OV90GAU53aSQeKU_dryR8ZsDWnkaNzq1deRTRs4wDU1Y5QEnY0nxAQzrju8msPs_1J44FHVUlhdunQQYZozIPbHfKYYUkM-mH_Tc4hmNCv/s1600/moon_godd611.jpg" height="320" width="276" /></a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When you’re hurting, you seek consolation and relief, and
that is exactly what I am doing right now. I’m actually not in Alabama as I
write this. I shifted to Tennessee, Chattanooga to be precise, since that is
the closest city for me to find the familiar comforts and conveniences I’ve
been craving- yoga studios, people I could connect with as contemporaries,
Whole Foods, cafes, bustling energy. I needed these comforts and conveniences
to help me create a refuge in which I could come home to myself and heal. Though
this is a city I’m just getting to know and that aspect speaks to the traveler
in me, the real reason I’m spending the week in a little apartment I rented
here is to reconnect to my original intention of Self-exploration. Funny that I
embarked on this journey largely because I felt physical proximity to my
beloved was essential to my growth only to find that being apart from him is
the exact thing I need right now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
No sooner had I settled in here, taken a couple of yoga
classes and unwound with a steamy shower and an Ayurvedic self massage, the
story subsided and a stream of Truth started pouring through me onto the pages
of my journal. All this time, all this suffering and heartache, I was the
responsible party! I’d set off on a journey of Self-love but somehow lost my
way and was severely neglecting myself. Of course, I didn’t see it this way
while I was in the thick of things. My story was that someone else was to
blame, so I blamed my beloved and our surroundings, never really stopping to
give proper to consideration to how I was showing up, or not, for myself. I
knew I was behaving poorly with my stressed out, emotional antics, but what I
overlooked was how I was responding and whether or not I was properly caring
for myself in the face of them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So this week has been all about self care. I committed to
showering myself with total love and remembering who I AM and why I am here. Shakti
is Love, nurturing essence, compassion and gentility, and I AM Shakti. As
Shakti, I must love every single facet of my being, the child within who has
been wounded, the woman who has been neglected, and the goddess who has been
forgotten. As Shakti I speak to myself with loving kindness, total compassion
and sincerity, looking myself in the eyes as I do, no judgment, total
acceptance. As Shakti I commit to daily meditation, chanting and asana
practice, yummy, nourishing foods, massages and pampering, making new friends. As
Shakti I make myself the #1 priority and focus on rekindling the most important
love affair I will ever have: the one with myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5FR42WNFedHs_fByElcpnvATHDckRC0RKklBeSR-vwQ1ft36g7uPpNda6k5SbZIWR9ROhE4eWEtGIWyNnYzCH_i85ml3rVb_NolHdpwcsRZLsOehSOkVp0XcoJygBNipFwop5LRfdoeAZ/s1600/beautiful+shakti+goddess.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5FR42WNFedHs_fByElcpnvATHDckRC0RKklBeSR-vwQ1ft36g7uPpNda6k5SbZIWR9ROhE4eWEtGIWyNnYzCH_i85ml3rVb_NolHdpwcsRZLsOehSOkVp0XcoJygBNipFwop5LRfdoeAZ/s1600/beautiful+shakti+goddess.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
This may sound fundamental and obvious, yet I know I’m
certainly not alone in doing the opposite despite knowing better. We all know
the adage that you cannot love another unless you truly love yourself, and yet
so many of us, women in particular, do not uphold this. We neglect ourselves,
often under the guise of seemingly benevolent intentions, such as focusing that
energy instead on the ones we love. We give and give of ourselves, depleting
our resources, often without being asked, and then we build resentment when we
don’t receive in equal measure. The paradox there is that most of us don’t even
know how to receive in equal measure. We’ve never really tried. The only way to
learn this is to start by giving to ourselves. Tantra teaches this. Take the
journey inward. Remember who you truly are, figure out what you truly enjoy, and
ensure every aspect of your life is set up in support of this.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
There is nothing selfish about this. To the contrary, a
woman who showers herself with love is a woman living in abundance, and she
will naturally have more to share with others. When she fills her cup with
nurturing and joy, it is nurturing and joy that spills over to those around
her. I’d forgotten this. I’d bought into a story I was telling myself that said
being a martyr was the way to go and blaming others was justified. Not so. The
journey of moving past my stories, through my pain and into my Truth has led me
to <b>This, Here, Now, and I AM</b> so very grateful.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigvmQHUVaItBXfIgMJvYaIKV8-hviy2YKMukG26Cr_7SdGCbd9OFwkkYSWWQFZlIF0YkMvPCa0y-3XVC5EaBD8EoEvY2m_FOdDCcQn43iBVG9vA7dtuhCgMJGR88qddG6lIShedyfmbMGz/s1600/durga_9_small.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigvmQHUVaItBXfIgMJvYaIKV8-hviy2YKMukG26Cr_7SdGCbd9OFwkkYSWWQFZlIF0YkMvPCa0y-3XVC5EaBD8EoEvY2m_FOdDCcQn43iBVG9vA7dtuhCgMJGR88qddG6lIShedyfmbMGz/s1600/durga_9_small.jpg" height="400" width="312" /></a><b>This</b>: the
recognition of myself as Shakti, a goddess to be showered with love</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Here</b>: in a
safe and sacred space created for myself<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Now</b>: this
present moment<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Thank Goddess for this revelatory remembrance, and for
abundance enough to share it. Namaste.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-2395048829806252762014-04-30T16:10:00.001-04:002014-04-30T16:10:12.578-04:00The feminine flow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-JNm1g1S0twvyPrIBjz8gy0ixhbv37VButdKOPKscuvIBgXynvs-UMAw4m7Qi2RDZafwxd-vNIim7VJJoMYDxwvvxVokCQOuetxmjAq5L7fI-KZFacOjr23smnTh2jsave38tJVFEWQMH/s1600/New_Moon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-JNm1g1S0twvyPrIBjz8gy0ixhbv37VButdKOPKscuvIBgXynvs-UMAw4m7Qi2RDZafwxd-vNIim7VJJoMYDxwvvxVokCQOuetxmjAq5L7fI-KZFacOjr23smnTh2jsave38tJVFEWQMH/s1600/New_Moon.jpg" height="327" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I subscribe to the belief that we begin again anew
in myriad ways, big and small, in our daily lives: with the dawn of every day,
the intake of each breath, the momentum inherent in choosing to turn left
instead of right and so on. Yet even with all these amazing opportunities to
start fresh, for me none packs quite the same potency as the arrival of a new
moon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The more I've connected to the flow of Shakti, the
Divine feminine energy that animates us all, the more I've become aware of the
cycles of the moon. My moods and patterns rotate along with Mother Moon's
trajectory, and they are colored in the full spectrum of the rainbow. I find
myself more introverted at times, playful at others, moving from muted mauve
tones to bright oranges. Some days I crave space and solitude, the color of a
clear blue sky, others I need the presence of others around me, vibrant yellows
filling me with light. My energy is buoyant during certain phases, far more
subdued during others. And when the moon comes around to start a new cycle each
month, I naturally do the same, pure white. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I shed what does not serve me, both literally and
figuratively, as I run red, and marvel at how many of my sisters around me do
the same. Energetic beings that we are, when we allow ourselves to connect to
the flow and patterns of nature, we automatically align. Our bodies harmonize
to the Universal body, our hearts to the Universal heart, and in this natural
rhythm we engage in the sacred act of beginning again. It’s the gift of being a
goddess.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVt-eGnniX91rD8vr2veFI_dJa4wGXE24Ata7hh5i-LmHgwg_-XabylLinIYlWFaFJ2Zi899rJwt0RXI_T3qsW_7aSk5L5us95I9LiM07B_2sOMNJscDvgP0GjUB6-K397-o22l1ZFEIEY/s1600/red+tent+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVt-eGnniX91rD8vr2veFI_dJa4wGXE24Ata7hh5i-LmHgwg_-XabylLinIYlWFaFJ2Zi899rJwt0RXI_T3qsW_7aSk5L5us95I9LiM07B_2sOMNJscDvgP0GjUB6-K397-o22l1ZFEIEY/s1600/red+tent+1.jpg" height="393" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">In many societies, women on their moon cycle would
enter into the Red Tent where they would honor this period with ritual and
community. It was a time to rest, reflect and reset for the start of a new
month. This tradition of sisterhood and reverence got largely lost in our
culture somewhere along the way, and, very thankfully, is now being revived by
women all over. What a beautiful testament to Shakti.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">It happens that as I first began to write this,
April 29, 2014, it was a new moon day, and I entered into it so very ready for
the clean slate it brings. I'd spent the few weeks prior sifting through a lot
of emotions and swinging through a lot of moods as I got situated in my new
home in Alabama. The rose-colored vision I had of country living in anticipation
of my arrival failed to include quite a few of the stark contrasts to the way
I've lived my life in the city for all my years. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My vision became tinged with gray. It didn't
account for the isolation I'd feel being so far from my sisters, the lack of easy
access to many of the comforts and conveniences I'm used to having at my
fingertips, to living with another after years of living alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">In fact, my rose-colored vision quickly gave way from
that gray to a particular shade of green. In many moments I found myself green
with envy for the life I'd led "back at home" even as I was meant to
be settling into my new home. Green may be my favorite color, but this shade
just does not look good on me. It's really not flattering on anyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Had I been surrounded by the women in my Red Tent,
I know they would have pointed this out to me. That’s what sisters do. They
certainly don’t let you walk out the door wearing something that doesn’t fit
just right, and attitudes and emotions are no different. We are there for each
other in countless ways, among them to hold mirrors up to one another and
reflect back the lesson we need to receive at that moment. I’d be pouring out
my heart to them over cups of tea on cozy couches or chatting in the locker
room after sweating it out on the mat together in a yoga class. And as I let
the colors of my pain and fear run from my lips, I’d be filled again by the
words of reassurance and wisdom pouring from theirs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbWrlKiPfK3gewjGAVqDz8DEEdV68KW-MT5rnaxjJaA1dlDhQYDn-D4auioZsEPNhZSQg3wyVLdj4Lwu-aD3sgHtxMZPSCgXXBbwGXpLWkGUEDQNQGu6ZoRDWKQ9rpMkQfMFhZ-O3J0kEd/s1600/rain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbWrlKiPfK3gewjGAVqDz8DEEdV68KW-MT5rnaxjJaA1dlDhQYDn-D4auioZsEPNhZSQg3wyVLdj4Lwu-aD3sgHtxMZPSCgXXBbwGXpLWkGUEDQNQGu6ZoRDWKQ9rpMkQfMFhZ-O3J0kEd/s1600/rain.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">But I was not with my sisters right then, not even
with my beloved. I was with my Self, away on a business trip, and it was cold
and rainy, bleak and gray outside, no different from how I’d felt inside at
moments over the last few weeks. On this day it was just me and Mother Moon. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbWrlKiPfK3gewjGAVqDz8DEEdV68KW-MT5rnaxjJaA1dlDhQYDn-D4auioZsEPNhZSQg3wyVLdj4Lwu-aD3sgHtxMZPSCgXXBbwGXpLWkGUEDQNQGu6ZoRDWKQ9rpMkQfMFhZ-O3J0kEd/s1600/rain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><br /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The lesson I needed to receive was being reflected
back at me through the mirror of my own heart, and in that space are all the
colors of the rainbow. As glorious and important as it is to be in the company
of my sister goddesses, and to have their colors wash over me, there are times
when the Universe places us on our own to do our work. We must see the full
spectrum of colors for ourselves, create the comfort and company our heart is
calling for within our own being and in whatever physical space we inhabit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So I did. Instead of feeling sad to not have a Red
Tent to join in, I created one for myself . . . A bath drawn with
lavender-scented Epsom salt. And fresh strawberries and chocolate too, because
why not? I chose to commune with Shakti in me, to be my own healer, my own
mirror and to provide myself with the pampering and nurturing I needed,
creating a conscious ritual all my own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKBlSATPLhWnE7d7NklN8f7RS7DCyqvxNPvA49rsMe6eoYkz0tofJPQmP-XrHWx-nU63esRCJMrJIrk1O5SPIZeGlUkcWS1VLhNz_lpp7tTvi3utBmqraKQBm9X9eaeRNmMrCBXBxPk6SQ/s1600/rainbow+goddess.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKBlSATPLhWnE7d7NklN8f7RS7DCyqvxNPvA49rsMe6eoYkz0tofJPQmP-XrHWx-nU63esRCJMrJIrk1O5SPIZeGlUkcWS1VLhNz_lpp7tTvi3utBmqraKQBm9X9eaeRNmMrCBXBxPk6SQ/s1600/rainbow+goddess.jpg" height="351" width="400" /></a><span style="font-size: 16pt;">As the energy of the new moon washed over me, I
honored all that I’d lived during this prior cycle, and washed it away with the
bath water. I recognized that every fear that surfaced and tear that fell during
the past weeks were necessary for my evolution. Reds, blues, grays, whatever
didn’t serve me, down the drain it went. Then I stood beneath the shower,
envisioning all the colors of the rainbow pouring over the blank white canvas
I’d just created of myself. I felt as connected as I ever had in the Red Tent,
alone with the Shakti in me, and happier than ever to be an </span><span style="font-size: 21px;">embodiment</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> of the feminine flow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-62005450316978388772014-04-05T19:22:00.001-04:002014-04-29T19:56:05.601-04:00P.D. Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hello from my little corner of the world to yours!<br />
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I'm fresh off of the remarkable experience of nearly two weeks spent at Kashi Ashram, a sweet, sacred space in Sebastian, FL. I was gathered with an amazing, assorted group who all came together to take a <b>Permaculture Design Course</b> (P.D.C.). I bet quite a few of you out there reading this are saying a "permaWHAT??" which is more or less how I initially felt about it.<br />
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Before I happened to fall in love with Mr. Permaculture himself, I had a sense that it had something to do with gardening, which, conveniently, was something I had precious little experience with and only slightly more interest. Enter Mr. Permaculture, and I began to learn it can have A LOT to do with gardening, among so many other facets and disciplines. It turns out I actually DO have interest in gardening, among those many other things. Wonders never cease!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvQkIgXF5vkjfzd4wbzrqreVKGjEpOEpqZhtLGX79rrXKjT0SQ20hf3VhDlKTuOenYImOpp64y20Hl_jan-7c6kAM661Aa0f-fsEXb3lfS6s7rBV2_CMOnsVH114WAGzM4om8QDibX8tY/s1600/1965647_10152150132959678_991331337_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvQkIgXF5vkjfzd4wbzrqreVKGjEpOEpqZhtLGX79rrXKjT0SQ20hf3VhDlKTuOenYImOpp64y20Hl_jan-7c6kAM661Aa0f-fsEXb3lfS6s7rBV2_CMOnsVH114WAGzM4om8QDibX8tY/s1600/1965647_10152150132959678_991331337_o.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a><br />
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And what is more wondrous than evolution? How fascinating the way Nature innately progresses and proliferates! How humbling and needed to receive a lesson reminding me that I, Jessica; I, Gauri; <b>I, flesh, bone, heart and soul, am as much a part of Nature as any flower in any garden.</b><br />
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For the many beliefs I hold about myself, my identity and the roles I play, I can see how, despite supposedly knowing better, I've held myself at a quite a distance from Nature in many ways, and have gone against my own Nature in others. Case in point: I've long believed myself to be "not interested" or "not inclined" toward a lot of things, never realizing I was putting all these self limiting labels into my reality simply by speaking them. "I'm not into math and science". "I can't keep a plant alive". "I'm not a big crier [lately]". And there are other things I've subconsciously told myself I can't or shouldn't do. "I shouldn't quit my job" or "I can't fully follow my heart".<br />
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Take away "not", "can't" and "shouldn't" and you'd be amazed at what you're left with.<br />
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I was left with the knowledge that I am very into this particular <b>Applied Ecological Design Science</b> (P.D.C. brownie points for that one!) known as Permaculture. I am very committed to not just keeping plants alive but nurturing them so they flourish for the benefit of Mother Earth and all her children, which includes not only me, but you and hundreds of generations of souls of all sorts to come! And yes, I do still have a good cry in me, even if it had been a while since I felt safe enough to let it out. And letting it out has a lot to do with considering that I can and should fully follow my heart. More on that later. . .<br />
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It's been many years now of me walking a conscious path, seeking communion with kindred souls and actively evolving into better versions of myself. But this path is not straight, because, as I learned in my P.D.C., <b>there are no straight lines in Nature</b>. Nature curves, winds, spirals, scatters and forms all sorts of other remarkable patterns that, even in their seeming randomness, make perfect sense when you really start to observe and understand them. So it makes perfect sense that I've experienced many a curve, and sometimes a curveball, along the way. It fits that there have been moments best described as a downward spiral, only to emerge again and wind my way a little further down the road.<br />
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That road has brought the practice of active, conscious gratitude into my life. It has filled my heart with a deep faith, anchored in the spiritual traditions of the East, while providing me with much of what we deem success in the West. Yet even as I stand in tremendous appreciation for what my Western success has afforded me, my soul calls for a simplicity that up until now I'd associated more or less exclusively with an Eastern way of life.<br />
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<b>Permaculture is a paradigm shift</b>. For me, it represents a way to bring East and West together. That's not how it is described in any book I came across thus far, but it is what I feel to be true in me. Permaculture doesn't come from India or Tibet. It comes from Australia, as a matter of fact, and was birthed by your "average white guy", not little brown men in robes. And while it does include getting your hands in the soil and creating lush, thriving gardens and food forests, it is about SO much more. It is about community, connection, compassion and caring. And who doesn't want to be cared for?<br />
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<b>Care for the Earth. Care for the People. Care to Share the Surplus.</b><br />
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Those are the ethics that underly permaculture. And those very same ethics could, and I offer, should, underly any spiritual path. The <b>earth</b> is our Mother. We as <b>people</b>, and all the other sentient beings, are her children. Certainly her children have a right to <b>share</b> equitably in the abundance of Nature in all ways.<br />
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But we do not. Just as I fooled myself into believing self limiting labels about who I am, where my talents lie and what I'm capable of, we, as children of the Earth, have bought into a massive heap of lies. We have come to believe it is acceptable to have a grossly inequitable distribution of resources among our population, to have the masses governed by a select few whose agendas include nothing of general welfare, to abuse our Mother to the point where she is breaking down before our very eyes. We do not live simply or sustainably, and we are running out of time.<br />
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Let me lighten the mood by saying that, of the 36 classes that comprised the P.D.C. only one of them was focused on expressly discussing the world's problems. So this was not an experience of doom and gloom. Instead, it was an opportunity to learn to <b>see the solutions inherent in these problems</b>. We had the chance to come together, a diverse group of individuals walking seemingly different paths, and collaborate on ways to regenerate Nature and provide abundance for ourselves, our communities, our world, not just now but well into the future.<br />
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I walked away from that experience happy, hopeful and feeling very connected- to Spirit, to Mother Earth, to my new premie family and especially to Mr. Permaculture. I found a science I like! I actually do like having dirt under my fingernails and my bare feet padding along the earth! And now about that cry. . .<br />
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The morning after the course ended I found myself sitting in front of my work computer, smack in the middle of suburbia and feeling like I was living the antithesis of what I had learned and experienced during my P.D.C. I felt anything other than the happy, hopeful, connected sensations I had held dear just a few hours prior. I felt frustrated, bored, scared. I've invested over a decade working in corporate America. I've built a career, my personal finances and a significant aspect of my identity around an environment that is so misaligned with my personal values and interests it's almost comical in its irony. But I wasn't laughing. I was crying.<br />
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The overwhelming sensation brought on by the dichotomy fell on me like a thick cloud of smoke, smothering me with its toxic density. This is not the life I want yet I must own the fact that it is the life I chose. That was then. This is now. And now that I am choosing differently, I am faced with making my way out into the clear, fresh air. While that may sound like a no brainer, wanting it is one thing, and doing it is another. <br />
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I hear the call of my heart so very clearly. I've been hearing it for quite some time and yet continued to live what is increasingly coming to feel like a double life. I fill my spiritual account in one world, my bank account in another. I appear so very immersed in the conscious community I prefer to connect with yet struggle with the fact that I'm still keeping up appearances in the corporate world I've come to rely on. My heart wants out but my fear keeps me in.<br />
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So the self-proclaimed non-crier had herself a good cry. And Mr. Permaculture held me and held space so I could begin to feel into my fear and my grief, which is what I need. I've spent enough time in my head about all this. Pre-permaculture, the practical choice was glaringly clear: stay with your job because that is stability Anything else would be nuts. Post-permaculture, the opposite is clear: continuing to feed into the very system that has turned our world so terribly upside down is nuts. Find a way to be the solution in the problem.<br />
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My heart holds the truth. It is the key to unlock the door of fear keeping me in a space that no longer serves me. And I am nudging it open, slowly, but surely. I've been at that for a while in ways, but the push is so much stronger now. The call is so much louder. The path is so much clearer. And I have the experience of my P.D.C, which I'm fondly reflecting on as P.D.Me, to thank for that.<br />
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-19692650470244092692014-03-09T11:54:00.002-04:002014-03-09T11:54:04.485-04:00If you put your mind to it. . .<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If traveling to India again felt like a homecoming, hoping over to Nepal was a departure into the unknown, this being my first time here. There's a special tingly excitement that rings through you when you know you're about to have a "first time" of any sort. First kiss. First day. First taste. First glimpse. There is no recreating that first. You are gifted that opportunity, and it is never to be had again.<br />
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That might seem a sad statement to some. But if I've learned anything from the spiritual wisdom I've been exposed to, it's the imperative value in making the most of every single moment, otherwise known as mindfulness. Being mindful and present for each moment gives you the gift of infinite first times. So while you may not experience that exact same tingle, you can choose to recognize and revere every first as unique and sacred.<br />
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The path of mindfulness is the path of the Buddha, and being here in Nepal where Buddhism is so very prevalent, interwoven gracefully with Hinduism, I feel particularly charged and plugged into mindfulness practices in a near effortless way. The sacred is non-different from the secular here in this corner of the world, which to me makes it much easier to have the clarity and presence of mind that truly allow for veneration of each and every moment.<br />
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Here monks and nuns weave through the crowds with tourists and locals, all of us going about our business while flowing along a common current. Morning time around Boudha Stupa, where I am staying, is a beautiful display of reverie. It's a parade of prayer beads, wheels and flags sending their vibrations out into the ether, Tibetan rites being performed, incense burning, offerings made, mantras chanted. This isn't a special occasion. It's not a holiday. It's everyday. It's life. And life IS sacred. Life is worthy of being present for. Yet so many of us are not.<br />
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I include myself in that "so many" much of the time because it is just so easy to go on autopilot. For instance, how many times have I walked or driven somewhere, glued to my phone or some other distraction, and literally not known how it is that I got from A to B? On how many occasions have I taken a loved one for granted, or not recognized a blessing that lays right before my eyes?<br />
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The other night as I was walking back to my hotel, I stepped outside and the first thing I did was gaze up between the buildings to the darkened sky, marveling at the brilliance of the stars. Kathmandu is a valley with its fair share of smog, so it struck me to see the night sky clear enough for such a beautiful display. The stars twinkled brightly and just about half a moon lit up the vastness. Then as I approached the Stupa, I stood for a moment to take a mental picture of how it looks lit up with candles against the near black backdrop of night, a stark contrast from its daytime facade of sun-drenched whitewash.<br />
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These were little firsts for me. I've never seen the stars from Kathmandu before and I may never again for all I know. Even if I walk out to the Stupa at the exact same time another evening, it simply will not and cannot be exactly the same as that night. In fact, tonight it is adorned with strings of electric lights, looking even more spectacular, though still not the same as that first time. Just being mindful of that fact imbues me with a sense of presence and gratitude that fills my heart.<br />
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Now the work is to be just as mindful of the mundane as well. Can I rise to the challenge of appreciating the sanctity of life's little moments when I'm not standing on holy ground under a breathtaking sky in a foreign country? Can I literally dance with joy over a hot shower and electricity on demand when I'm back in a place where both are readily available to me 24/7?<br />
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With mindfulness I know I can. <br />
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I've learned to cultivate gratitude as a practice, and as more time goes by, the more effortless giving thanks becomes. Mindfulness and gratitude go hand in hand. When you are truly aware of the sacred blessings you are receiving every moment of every day just by simply being alive, how can you be anything other than grateful? Yet, while mindfulness fosters an all-encompassing gratitude, selective gratitude is not the same as all-encompassing mindfulness. That is the practice I seek to delve deeper into.<br />
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Namaste.<br />
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-81404808657127096462014-03-03T20:40:00.000-05:002014-03-03T20:41:25.017-05:00Krsna's Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
That I haven't the slightest clue what day it is really says something about how easily I've slid into this beautiful break from the reality I know. The journey to India feels like it was ages ago, though I know I've been here less than a week I believe. Filling those days with the sounds, sights, tastes and smells of this land that is at once so familiar and so unknown has me lost in the conventional sense of time and place.<br />
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A big part of why I love traveling to other countries is that it makes it effortless for me to suspend my judgements and presuppositions. There is no sizing people up when you haven't a clue about cultural norms. There is no clinging to what should be once you've committed to opening up to what simply is. So despite the constant stimulation and the packed schedule I've been keeping since arriving here, I feel relaxed in a way I seldom experience back at home. . . a particular mental relaxation that comes from letting go.<br />
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I've relaxed into the mood of Krsna, this particular pilgrimage very much focused on deepening my connection to this Beloved form of the Divine. Years ago, I began my spiritual journey on a different branch of the path, an impersonal one stemming from a Shaivist tradition. But the further along I've come, the more I've been exposed to, Bhakti has taken over and an impersonal relationship with the Divine simply doesn't resonate with my heart. When I chant and pray, I am calling out to my Beloved or to my Mother, not to abstract representations of the Universal Consciousness. I am yearning for union, connection. I am calling out to Krsna, reaching out for the Divine Mataji, and my call has been answered by bringing me here.<br />
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I began in Puri, sacred home of the Jagannath temple where Krsna is worshipped in a state of explosive, expansive love. And now I am in Mayapur at the ISCKON Kirtan Mela, which is basically like being at the Vatican of Krsna Consciousness for a massive sacred music festival. I also happen to be on the banks of the river Ganga, Holy Mother, so both of my heart's deepest understandings of the Divine are embodied here. I'm immersed in a sea of devotion, and in that sea there is no place and time. There is only Love.<br />
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If you disconnect from that Love, the noise, crowds, dirt, etc. can overwhelm you and you might find yourself very much in a place and time that feels unpleasant, even confrontational. It's a lot to be somewhere that seems so radically different from the comfortable Western world we know. But when you see and feel the Love in all, when you understand that everyone and everything are representations of the same divinity, the world becomes impossibly beautiful. The sea of devotion is infinite and letting go into its currents propels you forward toward bliss.<br />
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For me, bliss is being so merged with the vibration of a kirtan that no one voice or instrument is separate from all the rest and every sound melds together into the purest harmony. It's feeling embraced by that collective vibration, plugged into the sweetest emotion, knowing that the Divine hears your call. Yesterday, despite having gotten sick and feeling quite weak and tired, I sat for hours in the temple soaking in that very energy. I knew there was nowhere better I could possibly be. And I felt like my strongest, healthiest self when we moved into the center of the kirtan hall and I was so totally lost, yet so totally held, by the ecstatic expression of thousands of devotees calling out to Krsna. There is no remedy like bliss.<br />
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This journey has been a revelation for me. I realize that I was holding onto guilt about straying from the original branch of the spiritual path I'd been walking. When I started in the Sivananda yoga lineage some 7 years ago, I clung to it like a life raft because I needed something bigger than myself to hold onto and it was there. Aside from a yoga asana practice, Sivananda introduced me to mantra, japa, pujas, arati, all the ritualistic aspects that I so love. I was first exposed to kirtan through Sivananda and Sivaratri in 2009 was my first experience of staying up all night chanting to the Divine, experiencing for myself the magnificence of being immersed by the energy of hundreds of souls calling out in a space of Love.<br />
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As I've continued forward on my path, evolved as an individual, softened and healed pieces of me along the way, I found myself less aligned with other aspects of the Sivananda lineage, while simultaneously feeling so at home among the Krsna family. Reconciling this took time. It almost felt like cheating on my partner. Just as fidelity and loyalty are things I prize in my intimate relationships, I value them in this aspect too. So it has taken a long time for me to make peace with the fact that this isn't a case of infidelity. This is a case of me having progressed to a place where I know my heart far better than I ever could have when it was shrouded under layers of pain and suffering. My heart wants nothing more than to Love. That is my True nature. There is no other way. And to me, calling out to Krsna is the ultimate manifestation.<br />
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So here I sit, early morning, surrounded by nature, morning prayers carried over loudspeakers, Ganga at my back, ISKCON in front of me, Divine Love all around me. In losing my sense of place and time, I've found that I am in EXACTLY the right place and this is EXACTLY the right time. No guilt. No regret. No shame. Only Love. Only Krsna. And by seeing him in all, loving and serving him in all, I know deep in my heart that I cannot help but walk the path of my Truth.<br />
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Jai Sri Krsna!!!<br />
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8780726855796538289.post-39851875195684849372014-02-26T11:09:00.000-05:002014-02-26T11:23:13.902-05:00Home, Redefined<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Another chapter is being written as once again I am setting off for Mother India, traveling east toward a land that draws me in with magnetic force like none other. As a seeker on the path, which I have very much considered myself to be, India had been calling. Just a little more than a year ago I was making this journey for the first time, heading to Delhi to begin my pilgrimage in this magical place. I remember feeling so bold, striking out on my own to a place unknown, a touch of trepidation mixed in with overwhelming excitement. Now that India and I have a personal relationship, and I know with every fiber of my being how much I adore her, I feel like I'm heading home even though I am set to explore all new parts of her glorious being. I will arrive in Kolkata, spend time in Puri and Mayapur, then head north to Nepal for a few days. these are hardly places I can call home in the traditional sense, yet I know the feeling will be present.<br />
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Home is an interesting concept for me right now. For the first time ever I don't have one, in the technical sense anyway. If home is where the heart is, as that lovely little saying goes, I could argue that I make my home wherever I go. Or I could say my home is as scattered around the globe as the ones I hold dear. Perhaps it's where my immediate biological family resides in northern California, though I've never actually lived there. I guess the closest thing I have to the common understanding of home is a house in south Florida where my beloved is staying, along with some of my worldly possessions, in between travels.<br />
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A few days ago I moved out of the townhouse I'd been calling home for four and a half years. I'd dubbed it my bachelorette pad when I moved there following the end of my marriage, and it served me so very well in that regard. I created a space that was my own, both physically and energetically. I got to know myself in that house, and through a process that involved a lot of breaking down to build back up, I healed, grew and emerged as an ever-more authentic version of myself. It wasn't always pretty and it definitely wasn't always easy, but who said the seeker's path is supposed to be? I wrote a very profound chapter of my life in that house, and learned that as you seek, so you shall find.<br />
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Now that house is no longer mine and that chapter has come to a close. I no longer have need for it. My work there is done. This journey to India marks the start of a journey into a newly anointed partnership with a man I love in ways I didn't even know to dream possible, and with him, I will make my home on the road, for a while anyway, as we set off to travel to places near and far. He, the professional gypsy as I like to say, and me, the professional who has only dabbled in gypsy life, are co-authoring now, and home is truly where the heart is.<br />
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A piece of my heart is flying east through the night sky, and a piece is with him since this particular portion of the journey is one I am making alone. Since January 1st, when we came into each others' worlds, colliding with considerable force and changing the paradigm for us both, we've been together far more than we've been apart. And that will certainly be the case for quite a while to come. But for the next two weeks, I will be on one side of the globe, he on the other, each traveling to a different land and having our own adventure.<br />
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When I reflect back on how I felt in past relationships, there was an insecurity present that would have had me uncomfortable with this sort of separation, especially so early on. That isn't something I'm proud to admit, especially since I've long believed myself to be very secure and solid in who I am. But in retrospect, I must acknowledge those pieces of me that had gotten broken along the way, and the relationships I attracted into my life in order to reveal and heal them. Partners I didn't feel completely secure with were a part of that experience. I needed to learn to feel wholly safe in and of myself in order to feel that with someone else. And I am finally there. What an amazing place to be!<br />
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One of the things I most adore about my beloved is his integrity. My sense of security in this relationship comes from the work I've done on me, yet it is also being handsomely rewarded by having a partner who lovingly creates that for me. Since the very first moments of our connection, every single thing he has said, he has done. He has shown himself to be a man of his word, and to be a man unafraid to make big, bold statements, not only in word, but deed as well. It's not for everyone to enter so quickly and deeply into a love like this. It's not for everyone to live outside the box and commit to building the kind of world many of us say we want to live in, but really only dream about. It's not for everyone to allow themselves to be seen, raw, real and vulnerable, by the eyes of another. And so he is not for everyone. He is for me, and I for him.<br />
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Firmly grounded in this Truth, I travel with lightness in my heart, peace permeating my every cell. I am no longer seeking where love is concerned. I have found what my heart yearned for, and that has awakened me to new possibilities. I feel so wholly secure in this love regardless of physical proximity because it is alive within me all the time. Whatever wounds we are meant to heal together, whatever lessons we are meant to learn, this is not one of them. This we already know. All we need and want to do where love is concerned is spread it around with limitless generosity.<br />
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Knowing that I am love and I am loved, I make my return to the land that I love, ready for whatever this adventure has to offer. I eagerly await a spiritual infusion as I occupy sacred spaces, keep company with conscious souls and spend my days as a living, breathing offering of devotion to the Divine. And whatever I am meant to both give and receive during these couple of weeks, I trust fully that it is all for the highest good of not only myself, but my beloved and all beings everywhere. When you align with the Truth, you align with the knowledge that all that happens is conspiring toward the highest good of the Universe.<br />
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So be it. And so it is.<br />
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Just Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04171533884317251421noreply@blogger.com4