Monday, December 5, 2011

Mercury in Retrograde and the Man Parade

I'm definitely not an astrology expert. Sometimes I feel like my base of knowledge in this area is just enough to be dangerous because it can get me into trouble trying to analyze things I don't fully understand. As an aquarius, I've learned about the aspects of myself that are and are not true to my sign. When a guy comes into my life I definitely read up on our compatibility, or lack thereof, from an astrological perspective. Understanding their signs has helped me to be more accepting of my friends in certain ways. And I absolutely know that when Mercury goes into retrograde, stuff gets a little haywire. I don't know what going into retrograde actually means; however, I am familiar with some of its symptoms, such as odd, inexplicable issues with electronic and mechanical devices, or things getting mysteriously lost or delayed. Relationships have a way of shifting, could be for better, could be for worse. And during this present Mercury retrograde I've been slapped in the face by yet another symptom: people from the past suddenly reappearing. My, oh my!!

I pride myself on the fact that I do not burn bridges. I don't slam doors in people's faces when they walk out of my life, or when I walk out of theirs, because you just never know when one of you may need or want to cross that threshold again. Like a good aquarius, I strive to maintain good relationships with my exes, or at least regard them well even if we're not actively in each others lives. For me, it is simply easier to reflect from a space of gratitude on all that was gained by the coming together of said ex and I than to harbor resentment about why it didn't work. We came together for a reason. Lifetime commitment may not have been it, but there was a reason to be sure. I'm grateful for them all.

Being grateful is one thing. Having a parade of exes stream through your life out of nowhere in the course of a week is another. Admittedly, I sought one of them out. C #1, my ex-husband, who remains one of my most sacred friends, has never really disappeared altogether, though sometimes we go months without seeing each other or even speaking. That said, we're unfailingly there for each other when needed, and well, I needed him so he came. Just as I knew it would, being together gave me a sense of comfort and security during a trying time. I am so thankful for the beautiful friendship we have. He's a great person, and I know I'm lucky to have him in my life. Of course, trying times can bring a lot of emotion up. You're vulnerable, maybe feeling extra stressed or sensitive. I was all of the above. And in that state, I found myself wondering "what if?" Not what if we stayed together, because I 110% believe that would not have been right. But what if we were to be together again? Like I said, no bridges will ever be burned. Yet right now neither one of us seems interested in jeopardizing a friendship as special as the one we've cultivated in order to explore any outlying possibilities, so I'm content to just leave that be.

As for the other three, well those I definitely did not seek out. I honestly didn't expect any of them, so each one was a shock in his own way, if not entirely a surprise. What it all means, I really do not know. Where it will lead, I know even less!

First there was R. whose name has never even been mentioned in this blog because he is from so far back in my past that he just doesn't factor in. There was never a thought of him reappearing. We're talking high school. Kid stuff really. My first. So when we ran into each other by complete chance encounter not once but twice around town, well, I started to wonder what that was all about. Now I know it was about nothing more than a little fun catch up, and in my case at least, a chance to see how far I've come and how much I've grown. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you and goodbye.

Then out of the clear blue sky, A. contacts me. We haven't seen each other in close to a year. We haven't spoken in at least 8 months. He was hard to get over, like a band aid I just couldn't help but rip off slowly. While I never count anything out, I really didn't count on him coming back in. So we chatted and caught up on the highlights of each others lives this past year. I learned so very much through my relationship with A. In particular, I learned so much through the coming undone of it all. And just like with R. this was a chance to see how I've progressed since then. It's gratifying to be honest because I have grown a lot. I'm proud of myself. I worked hard. It was a concerted effort. Many tears were shed. Many restless nights were passed. That all seems so far behind me, and that's because it is. I can honor him for the teacher he was. I know he knows the good in me. So we both have things to be appreciative of, and that is that. Where it could go beyond here is anyone's guess. The beauty, for me, is having absolutely no attachment or expectations whatsoever. It is so liberating to feel that way toward someone that I once felt so attached to and expected so much of.

Last to make his appearance was C #2, my most recent love. This was hardest. This hurt. The only reason for the hurt is because I still have so much love and tenderness for him alive in me. Not yet two months removed from our love affair, anything to do with him still conjures such strong emotion for me. We've had some contact with each other during that time, but not much and not in-person. And I realized that pretty much all of the limited contact beyond the first week or so apart had been initiated by me. So my breath caught in my chest when I saw his name on my phone late last Friday night. I was out having a fun, fabulous Miami night with friends. The mood was joyful to the extreme. And just a "Hi. How are you?" from him rocked it all for me. What does he want? What do I want? Could I have been too impulsive in ending it? Could anything much really have changed in such a short time? Will we see each other? How will that feel? So many questions swirling in my mind. So many feelings swirling in my heart. So many opportunities to get myself in check.

That is basically what I've taken away from all of these unexpected encounters at this point. They happened so that I could check myself, reflect on myself and have some open, honest conversations with myself. Whatever does or does not happen with any or all of these men is secondary to what happens with me. Love, once lit, is an eternal flame in my opinion. I know I will always love C, A and C in a certain way. I love them each differently, appreciate them for a variety of reasons, and can only hope that I have inspired them in some way that contributes to their growth and fulfillment just as they have mine. But in the present moment, that is all there is where they are concerned. None of them has my heart now, nor I theirs. None of them is actively sharing in my life, nor I theirs. My heart is my own, my life is my own, and thus, all the lessons and experiences are my own. I feel fortunate that I had the chance to recall, and in some cases realize, the qualities in each of these men that I so adore, as well as those that I do not. Thanks to that, and the Law of Attraction, I can focus on the positive and trust that my future love will be the culmination of all these positive pieces that up until now I have only known scattered among different lovers. I gained further clarity into what I want, who I am and what I have to offer. As far as I'm concerned, that is a wonderful and worthwhile outcome after all the Mercury retrograde mayhem I experienced.

So whatever moon, star, planet or sun happens to be affecting you, I wish you that as well. I wish you the chance to know yourself better with every experience, every encounter. It is only in truly getting to know yourself that you can know real freedom, peace and contentment. That is ultimately what each of us is seeking, so let's honor that journey and honor the ones who help us along the way, whether we realize it in the moment or not.

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