Friday, October 21, 2011
Truth and Lies
I’ve been pondering a question lately: Is it ever really acceptable to tell a lie to someone you love? People lie for many reasons. They lie about things they deem small and innocent. They lie to make themselves feel better, to cover up a perceived shortcoming or an insecurity. They lie under the auspices of protecting or impressing the person being told the lie. They lie because they can’t even distinguish between what is true and what is false at times. They lie because they think they can get away with it. I’m not as pure and infallible as to claim to never have told a lie or stretched the truth; however, by and large I am honest to a fault. It is so intertwined with what constitutes integrity for me, a trait I take very seriously, that it is literally painful for me to lie. Quite often it is just impossible, most of all when it comes to something of import to someone important to me. Not everyone feels the same way.
It is hard to accept that someone you love has betrayed your trust with lies. Perhaps harder still is to have known somewhere deep inside of you that something didn’t quite add up or make sense. Something was off and your gut was telling you so, yet you pushed past it by focusing on how much you love this person, how much good you see in them. After all, telling lies doesn't mean someone is inherently bad. Good people sometimes do bad things. And when you love someone that love is a reflection of you, so who would want to acknowledge that someone they’ve “endorsed” with their love is telling lies? It isn’t pleasant, and I speak from very recent experience.
On to that experience . . . Apparently I have a thing for falling for guys with impressive speed. Who I’m trying to impress isn’t quite clear. Obviously the guy likes me enough to want to be with me. And I certainly like me enough. So why go at warp speed? I don’t have a good answer, other than to say, that’s just been my style. When I meet someone I don’t connect with on a deeper level, I immediately walk away. So not surprisingly, when I meet someone I do connect with on a deeper level, I dive in head first and give it my all. This has happened more than once. It ended up with me married, at age 22, after five months of dating and co-habitating. And now I’ve been in not one but two pretty serious post-marriage relationships with guys who I shared a soul level connection with, only to find after several months of push and pull amidst the yumminess of new love that if it is that much work early on, it probably isn’t going to work in the long haul. It doesn't negate the power and realness of the soul-connect, but not all such bonds are meant to last. I’m kind of hard headed and apparently I didn’t want to readily accept this lesson the first time, so the second time the Universe delivered up someone who would turn out to break a cardinal rule by lying to me, among other things, making it impossible for me to stay involved. What fun!
In all sincerity, I’m not bitter about the way it all went down. I am, on the contrary, immensely grateful. Yes, at first it pissed me off greatly to know I invested so much of myself into a relationship with someone who I believed was worthy of everything I have to give only to have it all go up in smoke. And what’s even crazier is that the lies were told to cover up truths that I would have had no problem accepting! They weren’t deal breakers; they weren’t things I would have cared about one way or the other. But I do care tremendously about truthfulness, and once lied to I now know that I have a very hard time trusting again. So I’m glad to have had all this come to light sooner rather than later. C. and I started out on the fast track to creating a life together, and it would have been far more complicated to walk away had that happened as opposed to it ending while we still had largely separate lives. More importantly, all of this has created the perfect platform for me to really examine my role in this dynamic.
Clearly not everyone has it in them to go all in on a new relationship the way I do. A few of my dearest friends won’t even utter the word “boyfriend” until six or so months in, and even then, it is only at a whisper. Me, I shout it from the rooftops after mere weeks if it feels right. If I find myself with someone who I adore, who I feel proud to call my man, heck yeah I want to let that be known. The trouble is, I am apparently way too quick to pass judgment, in this case, deeming someone worthy of my total adoration and commitment before I really know them, and before we have a chance to truly see if we work or not. Chemistry and passion are powerful, intoxicating forces. So when they’re there, it is easy to confuse them for deep, meaningful and lasting compatibility, at least for me anyway. I see it all through the rose-colored glasses of new love, rather than the centered, grounded space within me that I work so hard to nurture and operate from. I guess I’m in love with falling in love, and that doesn't always end well. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?!? And since I’m willing to come here and write about all that is so wonderful about me and my life, I also have to be fair and own the parts that are a little less wonderful. I’ve been pretty vocal about being so in love, so it is the appropriate counter balance to verbalize (or write) that I pressed the gas pedal a little too hard, a little too fast on this one. All of you can help keep me honest ;-)
So as with every experience and encounter, I open myself up to the lesson, or lessons as it were. Lesson #1: I have a very low, if any, tolerance for liars, particularly liars who want to date me. Lesson #2: Enthusiastic and excitable as I am, as much love as I so desire to share with that special someone, pacing myself is a must. It’s just better for everyone involved. I bear C. no ill will. I honestly wish nothing but the best for all my exes, and regard them with gratitude. They fulfilled their purpose in my life and I in theirs. That’s what we’re here for, and I’m very grateful to be open and aware enough to see and appreciate the lessons, even the ones that require me to take off the rose-colored glasses in order to see straight! Thanks fellas! Thanks life! Here's to doing it better the next time around!