My heart to hold

Being in love, new love especially, is a phenomenal thing. Mostly, it is pure joy, sunshine, bubbles and rainbows. New love is delicious, exciting and intoxicating. It leaves you feeling light as a cloud and stronger than a superhero. But as any of my fellow conscious journeyers knows, there is far more substance and purpose to being in love than all of the aforementioned delights. Each of our encounters and relationships are put in our path so we can work through our issues and karma, become better versions of ourselves and, in the best of scenarios, be a conduit for the other person to do the same. When the relationship in question is as intimate and sacred as two people in love, this is amplified all the more and has the capacity to catapult us into a new level of growth and consciousness if we are open to it. Sometimes, that is not an easy thing to do.

When you have worked hard to establish your independence and/or if, by nature, you're simply the type to take charge and be in control, it can be quite challenging to negotiate the precise balance between retaining a degree of control while simultaneously allowing someone else to step in and have a say in your life, to let them care for you too. There are issues of pride, trust, fear, ego and all sorts of other fun stuff at play in this sort of dynamic. To strike this balance, you must trust at every level that the person you are prepared to relinquish some of your control to truly loves you and has your best interests at heart. Then, and only then, can you open yourself up fully to the reciprocal joy of caring and being cared for, trusting and being trusted, genuinely and authentically loving and being loved.

Our hearts are tender things. We learn from a young age all sorts of ways to protect them, even those among us inclined to seemingly give their hearts away with great ease. We all want to love, and, of course, none of us wants our heart to be broken. We seek to find the person who will hold our heart in their hands with the gentle reverence and nurturing caress that it deserves and desires. This is the person whose eyes can melt you with their sparkle, whose smile can level you with its brilliance, whose hands are tailor-made to cradle your heart in precisely the way that allows for equal parts protection and room to grow. When you find this person that your heart has always known was there, trust. Trust that you are safe to relinquish some of the burdensome control you've been carrying. Trust that you can be yourself without fear of judgement. Trust that you have just as much to give as you do to gain and allow for it to happen. Let love rule.

Are you expecting?

I suspect very many of you, like myself, may have been told at some point or another that having expectations can often lead to trouble. More accurately, having expectations can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and disappointments. Yet running seemingly counter to this adage is the notion that if you expect a certain outcome, action, etc. the law of attraction and the power of manifestation may just conspire to give you exactly what it is that you are hoping for. So which is it?!? To expect or not to expect?

My experience tells me that letting go of expectations is the better way to go. It frees you from a lot of heartache and generally makes life a lot more pleasant, while simultaneously making you a more pleasant person who people will enjoy having in their lives. . . never a bad thing! This is not to say that you should be a pushover with no standards or preferences, nor is it to say that you can't or shouldn't put energy into welcoming good into your life via attraction and manifestation. Rather, if you can let go of narrowly defined, specific, constrained ideas about, for example, how a particular plan should unfold or how your significant other should behave, you will end up far more content than if there is only your way or the highway where these sorts of matters are concerned. But alas, as with most pearls of wisdom, my experience absolutely has shown that this is easier said than done. Shocker!

Let's take it to the heart, one of my favorite places to go and to draw examples from, because, let's face it, matters of the heart are fertilizer for all sorts of creative endeavors, blogging included. If, for instance, you are a rather emotional being and your moods tend to fluctuate, and you expect that your honey should either a) not be impacted or b) know well enough not to take it personally, is that a fair expectation? We humans are tricky creatures, full of complex emotions that can be triggered by any number of external or internal stimuli. Many times we don't even understand the full extent of what's making us tick while in the midst of a difficult spot so how can we rightfully expect someone else to, even if that person loves us and knows us quite well? I think many times this dynamic comes about unconsciously, often because the partner with the mood swings may not even be aware that his or her mood is swinging. So then, is it wrong for the other partner to expect that his or her honey should strive to be more conscious of these things? If you've stayed with me this far, by now you're probably seeing what I mean about the slippery slope that is expectation.

Here's another great illustration of expectation blazing a path to trouble. Most of us have pretty clear ideas about how to express love and affection, informed, no doubt, by our upbringings, past relationships and ultimately our very nature. If you love someone, you do X. If someone loves you, they do Y. If you want to demonstrate [name that emotion], you do Z. Me, when I want to show love, I am quite fond of saying it, loud and clear, plain and simple, perhaps ad nauseam. I'm a touchy feely kind of girl, so hugs and kisses and any other kind of physical contact are sure to show up in abundance if you happen to be the object of my affection. Because this is how I express myself, I have a certain expectation that I will be shown the love of others in similar ways, ways that are easy for me to comprehend because they're being spoken in my language. Is that fair of me? Is having that kind of expectation closing me off to displays of love and affection in other ways and creating space for hurt feelings or disappointments that need not exist? Yes, I believe so. If nothing else, I'll certainly be the first to step up and acknowledge when I may be playing my cards wrong, and if rigid expectations are preventing me, or anyone, from receiving all the love and goodness that others want to share, then that definitely seems off.

I really don't know what the easy solution is to let go of expectations and remain fully open to all the possibilities and potential that life, and love, holds. Mindfulness seems like an appropriate starting point, being mindful of yourself and when you subconsciously set expectations. Be mindful and sensitive toward others. Notice if, when disappointment or misunderstandings arise, they could have been avoided by you releasing expectations of others or ones that you yourself hold, and learn from those instances. Like any mental shift or behavior change, this is a gradual and sometimes tedious process. The first step is always acknowledging what it is that needs to be modified and staying conscious of it. If you're with me still, then you're off to a good start!

Growing Pains

Over the last several months there seem to have been definite winds of change breezing through my life and the lives of many people around me. Maybe you have noticed it too among your own circle. What with the changing of the season, Mercury coming out of retrograde and, on the particular weekend that I am writing this entry, a full moon, it is no wonder that change has been in the air. There is a shift, to be sure, and it seems like it is ultimately a positive one, but getting to the good stuff isn't always straightforward and simple. To the contrary, many of us have to experience some very real growing pains to get there.

I'll speak for myself and from my own experience, since that is what I'm here to do after all. I've been growing up. It has been a largely intentional process, seeing as how, with the multiple significant changes in my life in the last few years, I made a conscious decision to get to know myself better and cultivate certain qualities while ridding myself of others. How this would all take shape, how long it would take, etc. I did not know. I simply hoped that by turning toward a spiritual practice, people, books and activities that embody the patience, mindfulness, compassion, courage, strength, independence, state of gratitude and so on that I, myself, want to embody, sooner or later they'd begin to rub off, and I'd become more of the woman I wished to be.

It is very gratifying to see this starting to happen. It is particularly awesome to have people who's opinions I regard highly give me unsolicited feedback on their perception of the changes in me, the softening, the opening, the growth. It's all quite amazing, really, but what it has not been is easy. And the fact of the matter is that it continues to not be easy to this very day.

I woke up the other morning with the Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want" playing in my head, completely befitting the mood I've been in lately. I've had some very clear ideas about what I want from my life, and by the grace of the Universe, many of these wants have been realized. A large circle of incredible friends, excellent health, a successful career, amazing work-life balance. Perhaps not surprisingly, high on my list of wants after finding myself single was to fall in love again. I wasn't sure if it was possible to do so with the complete abandon that I did the first time around, now that I'm older, wiser and, let's face it, a little more skeptical after having had my heart broken, but I certainly hoped that I would be swept off my feet and find myself back in a fairy tale for a while. I'd venture to say that most of us girls, whether we say it out loud or not, want that. We want to be cherished, have attention and affection lavished on us, be made to feel like we are the only girl in the world by the man we love.

But there is a catch. I have been very conscious of doing my best to cultivate my independence and to set the stage for the kind of healthy, balanced relationship I want to have in my life. The last thing I want to be is needy or clingy, and I absolutely do not want to drastically change my life for a new relationship since I have worked very hard to get it to such a great place. So while I want to be the princess in a story of true love, what I need is turning out to be a little different it seems. I need someone who has his own life that he doesn't want to substantially change and who isn't going to be needy or clingy. I need a relationship that is going to help me deal with my own insecurities and fears so that they don't become triggers for me to repeat mistakes I've already had the opportunity to learn from in the past. For example, I've only ever really known relationships that started off very intensely wherein we immediately became two halves of the same whole, spending all sorts of time together and adapting our lives to suit the others'. As a creature of habit, I want that because it is familiar. As a conscious being seeking growth, I need space and time and a slower pace, which is unfamiliar and frankly very uncomfortable for me. Thanks to the power of manifestation, I've gotten what I need. But I must admit it is a major growing pain when, in the midst of so much love, joy, elation and the like that come with a new relationship, I also have to confront anxiety, doubt and unease. They are my teachers. They are what I've asked for. They are part of what I need.

So to all my fellow travelers on this journey of change and growth, take heart in knowing the moments and the emotions that really challenge us are the very same ones that help us to progress the most. Have the clarity of mind and the courage to recognize these circumstances as the opportunities we have asked for in order to become the people we wish to be. Have the strength and the patience to be present during discomfort so the lesson within it has a chance to unfold. Embrace your growing pains just as you embrace your growth.

On the matter of attachment

When I was doing my month-long training to become a yoga instructor, a vast amount of information was presented, more than I could fully absorb and process in such a short time span, so I had to parcel certain topics off for future pondering. One particular area that I've returned to over and over again is aparigraha, one of the yamas, or restraints that make up the first of the eight limbs of yoga. I've seen aparigraha translated as non-possessiveness, non-covetousness, and, for me, the one that struck the greatest chord of all, non-attachment.

Aparigraha is the last of the five yamas, following ahimsa (non-violence), satya (truthfulness), asteya (non-stealing) and brahmacharya (restraint of the sexual energies). I get the first four, really and truly, even brahmacharya, which, if you know me at all, might sound shocking ;-p Get your mind out of the gutter!!! I just mean to say that I have a great appreciation for sensuality and sexuality, so while the interpretation of brahmacharya as celibacy is more than I could wrap my head around in my own case, the householder's version that gears more toward fidelity and monogamy sits just fine by me. Non-attachment, however, still eludes me, and, I suspect, always will.

I can understand and agree that overt attachment to material objects is ultimately not going to bring fulfillment, and, therefore, is not the best use of one's energy or attention span. If one were attached to a particularly harmful or negative object or tendency, an addiction or obsession of sorts, I can appreciate that it probably isn't serving anyone's highest good. But what about the attachments we form to the people in our lives? How, if you are a householder, which, by the way, is the term used to refer to those of us who attempt to live by the precepts of yoga without going so far as to renounce all our worldly possessions and relationships, do you unattach yourself from the very people who star as main characters in your life story, the people you love, the people who, by knowing you and bearing witness to your journey, help to make it all seem worthwhile and "real"?

I've struggled with this since I was first introduced to the concept, and as I continue along my own householder's journey, I find myself coming up against it in new ways all the time. During my training, there was a moment when I actually allowed the idea of walking away from life as I knew it and heading off to an ashram full time to occupy some prime mental real estate. Thankfully, my favorite swami had the good sense to suggest that I should go back to my home, my husband, my life and spread the teachings of yoga "in the world" rather than unattaching myself from it all. Could he possibly have known that only a few short months after going back to all of that, my world would be turned completely upside down by the end of my marriage? Man, was that ever a serious lesson in non-attachment! It was very hard to let go of the person who was the central focus of my life for so many years, just as it was hard, in a totally different way, to let go of my father after his death another few months down the line. Then there was the letting go of someone who I considered a trusted and treasured friend a couple months after that. All of this builds a case for not getting attached in the first place so that the letting go won't be as painful, but I just don't see how it can be done!

I get attached, and when it comes to the ones who matter most, I get attached in a big way. When I let someone into my heart, they get the benefit, or perhaps in some instances, the burden, of everything that I have to offer. My love and my loyalty are fierce and strong, so when I give them, they bind me to the recipient in an almost visceral way that makes it impossible for me not to feel attached. And the thing is, no matter what the yamas tell me, no matter how much it hurts when such a meaningful connection becomes strained or you have to let it go for good, I don't want to stop attaching myself to the people that truly matter in my life. I wouldn't be me if I didn't love the way that I do.

There was a period of time when I wondered if I was capable of falling in love and attaching myself to someone ever again the way I did with C. I never stopped believing in love, but I wasn't sure if I'd feel inspired to give myself over to it as freely as I had at 22, no matter how much I wanted to. Doubt crept in for a little while, but love is stronger. Love is undeniable. Love, of the being in love variety, has blossomed in my life once again. And if with love comes attachment, so be it. I give myself over freely, attempting to do so without judgment or expectations of myself or the object of my affection, but knowing that I am a far-from-perfect householder, just trying my best to live and love authentically in pursuit of my happily now.

Patience IS a virtue

On the matter of patience, first, I must thank my small but loyal following for being patient with me as lately I've been a bit more sporadic than intended with my blog postings. I set out to write on a weekly basis when I first started this blog; however, I haven't upheld that most recently. The flip side of that is I must also be patient with myself when life gets a little busy and not everything gets accomplished as intended. It will get accomplished eventually, and the world will still turn in the meantime. What a valuable lesson I've finally begun to learn!

Patience has been a focal point of mine for quite some time now, though in varying capacities. When I first got serious about my yoga practice, patience, along with compassion, were two intentions that I often set, seeking to cultivate these virtues by meditating on them and incorporating them into my asana practice as well as my daily life. The truth is, for most of my life, I haven't been a very patient person. It's as if I came out of the womb in a hurry, along with the oh-so-lovely attitude of "keep up or don't bother coming along for the ride". I really couldn't tell you where I was rushing to. But from a young age, I was always very eager to move ahead, get on to the next big thing, start something new. There were times when this has served me well, but there have also been times when my speed racer approach to life has not.

When you feel like your world is falling apart around you and you are stuck beneath an impossibly heavy load of negative emotion, patience is not an easy virtue to come by. It is counterintuitive to want to move slowly through the recovery process. Most of us would probably give/do/say anything not to hurt for a moment more than is necessary. We just can't see the point in being patient in the face of pain. But sometimes the very reason that you are experiencing hurt is to have the opportunity to be patient, to sit with feelings that are uncomfortable and get to know yourself a little better from an angle you may not have previously considered. Inevitably you will gain new perspective and insight into your life, what really matters, the person you want to be. Once that process has run its course, if you play it right, you come out the other side of a more patient person in all circumstances, and you never know when that newly acquired virtue is going to come in handy!

In my case, I had a very hard time being patient while my broken heart healed after the end of my marriage. Intellectually, I could appreciate that I had to walk a certain path to recovery, no matter how long it took, but emotionally, I was drained after a relatively short time, and I just wanted to get on with my life. Thankfully, my life had other plans. It forced me to deal with all of the myriad feelings, good and bad, to ride each high and each low, and ultimately, to really begin to cultivate the patience toward myself and others that had eluded me up until then.

And now for the happy ending. . .

I find myself, in this very moment, in a situation where my patience is required. Someone I care very deeply about needs that from me, and instead of cutting off my nose to spite my face due to an inability to be patient, I am finding it surprisingly easy to give what is needed with all the love in my heart. Do you know how good that feels?!?! I hope so, and if you don't have a similar personal experience to draw a comparison from, when your life lays out a path toward one, I truly hope you will be able to follow it through to the end. It is so gratifying to see a shift in yourself that not only makes you feel good, but allows you to give more fully of yourself to the people you hold dear. This is why we practice yoga or read self-help books or do whatever it is that we do to become better people.

Keep fighting the good fight my friends!

It's only a number

I've been a busy lady these last several weeks with lots of events, travel, connections and reconnections taking place. When I sat down to think about how they all tie together and what I should build this blog entry about, numbers popped into my mind. Numbers. Numbers? Yes, numbers.

Normally I'm not a fan. Math was always my least favorite subject and my first fall from straight-A grace in grade school. If it weren't for a calculator and my slightly beyond basic knowledge of MS Excel, I'd be hard pressed to produce an ROI analysis for any of my clients. My finances are in order simply because I've learned to live within my means and avoid credit like the plague, not because I'm some budget whiz kid. I stopped wearing a watch years ago and there isn't much that I "keep tabs" on because I'm just not all that concerned with numbers in any which way. Think again, Jess. Numbers have recently revealed themselves to me in a new and definitely more interesting and meaningful capacity.

Last week I bore witness to the fact that the number of years that you know someone really can have a profound impact on the quality of your relationship. As a person who makes fast friends with great ease, I've never been particularly concerned or impressed by the length of any given relationship as an indicator of its strength or significance. But watching my mother with two of her very best friends, part of a group of women who have known each other for more than 40 years and have known me since I was in utero, I saw firsthand the magic of that kind of bond. Then a saw another nuance added to the mix when they were joined by a friend who they have known for just as long but have only recently reconnected with. It was spectacular. They were surrounded by a glowing energy that was palpable. I haven't seen my mom this happy in a long time, and I can't find words to properly tell you what that means to me. I, along with another daughter of the group, felt a complete and immediate sense of connectedness and familiarity as well, even though she and I were meeting for the first time and were not directly linked to this long standing bond. Why?

The why is in the numbers. The years of history that these women share. The sheer number of stories and experiences in their lives that the others feature in as main characters. The countless tears that spilled and laughter that erupted from their hearts. Not time nor distance can subtract from all that they have accumulated over the years, and it makes for a sum total of incredible, enduring sisterhood. It was inspirational to witness, and I feel blessed to be part of the next generation that gets to share in this bond.

Numbers have featured into my current story in another way recently. Age. Truly, in my humble opinion that I get to shamelessly flaunt since I'm the one writing the blog, age is one of the most insignificant numbers there is. This becomes particularly true as an adult. There is a big difference between a 12- and 22-year-old, but not necessarily between a 30- and 40-year-old. Now, don't get all bent out of shape just yet, "older" members of the audience! What I am getting at is that the number of years any one of us has spent inhabiting this planet in this particular life is not an indicator of our maturity, our emotional intelligence or our ability to connect and relate to people of different ages. Some of my best, closest, most trusted friends are 10 and 20 years older than me, and believe me when I say I relate to them far better than half of the 29-year-olds that I know. I do have some amazing friends my own age, but I have always been very comfortable in the company of people who's physical age is greater than mine. This has proven true in friendships and intimate connections.

Thanks to these last few weeks, I have a new appreciation for numbers. I honor long-standing relationships that have endured and flourished, new ones that have sent my heart spinning and soaring to unknown heights, friends that share the same birth year as me and the ones who are from a different decade altogether. You are all so much more than a number to me and added together, you are the joy, inspiration and support that makes my life a beautifully balanced equation. You have my gratitude.

Soul connection

There are people, places, sounds, smells and tastes that truly have the ability to stir your soul. In many instances there is a nostalgic quality to these experiences or encounters, triggering a memory of ultimate pleasure and joy. But there are also the sensations that we experience when encountering something or someone entirely new that, without trying, just speaks to your soul. Those are the most delicious little morsels of all.

I have been brought to tears by a piece of music, swooned over a heavenly bite of food and been humbled in the presence of nature's majesty. But nothing compares to the feeling that overtakes you when you connect with a person at a soul-level. I have friendships like this, a few select ones, that are each so unique and special. Upon meeting and bonding with these friends, all women, it felt like puzzle pieces clicking together. With some it is our commonalities that bind us, and with others it is the way in which they bring an entirely new perspective or way of being into my world. Regardless of their nature, these relationships are sacred, treasured and essential to my well being. To be seen and understood with such ease and wholeness, to have someone in your corner that you don't have to explain yourself to because they know what you are going to say, to truly share in each other's emotions and experiences, it is a remarkable kind of love.

Sweetness of another variety comes in the form of meeting your soulmate in the common sense of that word. The man, or woman who, upon looking into your eyes, unlocks every door, tears down every wall, uncovers every secret to see right into your heart and soul. For some this comes hand in hand with love at first sight, while for others, it springs on you suddenly with someone who you previously saw in a different light. However it manifests, it is the most incredible, intoxicating, indescribable sensation. To feel connected on every level, to want that person's happiness and fulfillment as much as your own, to have no desire stronger than to share everything you have and everything you are with that one person because you already know they want you with equal intensity and want to give the same, it is the ultimate earthly love. When you find this person, there is no kiss sweeter, no embrace more comforting, no voice more familiar, no touch more desired than theirs.

If you know this kind of love, whether from past or present experience, you know exactly what I mean. And if you are hoping for this kind of love to come into your life, my advice is simple: keep your heart open and keep the faith. Be your authentic, beautiful self, and as you journey onward, allow the light of your heart to shine brightly so that it will be visible to your soulmate, or soulmates, as they travel down their own road on their way to you.

Namaste. Peace. Love.