Tuesday, June 22, 2010


clo·sure   [kloh-zher]
1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.
2. a bringing to an end; conclusion.

In life when you experience an end that is at all difficult or traumatic, people invariably talk about a need for closure. You have a falling out with a friend, suddenly they aren't your friend any more, you need closure. Someone close to you passes away, you need closure. A love affair ends with one lover doing the leaving, as the leave-ee, you need closure. Or do you? Better said, can you even really get it?

As of this morning, I am formally, officially divorced. Contrary to my rant about divorce a few posts back, the actual hearing wherein the marriage is dissolved in the eyes of law takes no time at all. Mine didn't anyway. It took longer for me to go through courthouse security and up the elevator than it did for a judge behind a desk to ask me four very simple yes/no questions, the clerk to stamp a few documents and for C. and I to walk right back out the door through which we entered to end our union. So now that we've gotten that out of the way, am I supposed to feel as if I am in a "state of being closed"?

My answer to my question is a very clear "N-O". Perhaps I'm unique in this feeling. It certainly wouldn't be the first time the beat of my little drum went to a tune of its own. I've been blessed to feel a state of genuine contentment and fulfillment in my life of late. There has been precious little drama, few to no tears shed, I'm having fun and enjoying myself. Then, faced with my now ex-husband in a cold, impersonal, rushed cattle-call of a divorce hearing, I was overcome with emotion and tears were most certainly shed. I loved him more than words could say right then and there. That feeling was in no small part a direct reflection of the sincere love that he feels for me and we were both able to express to one another, thanks to all we've shared. Our marriage is over. "Broken" to quote the nameless, faceless judge who pelted me with questions. But our love and our bond remains. Who's feeling all closed up now?!?! My heart is wide open!

So do I feel closure in the traditional sense? I do not. I recognize that a chapter has come to its formal conclusion which naturally leads to the beginning of another. I appreciate the fact that, legally, C. and I are no longer husband and wife. But since we've been living separate lives for quite a while now, that isn't really anything new. This is not a conclusion. Our shared story and our respective, individual stories, will undoubtedly include each other as characters as we continue to write them. Our past did not cease to exist with the stamp on the page any more than did our love and concern for one another stop when the papers were handed over. C. is my friend now. He may not be a friend I see often and there is a chance that will always be the case. But he will always be someone I love and trust and know I can rely on. If getting closure meant not being able to say those things because I'd have to simply say he is out of my life, I'd rather not have closure. As the saying goes, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I choose love, anytime, any place.

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