Evolution

Has it really been so many months since I've posted a blog? I hadn't realized that until out of the blue a reader commented that she looks back on my posts for inspiration, which touched me. It occurred to me that I hadn't put any inspiration out there (via this medium) in quite some time. So it got me thinking. . . What has changed in the last bunch of months? There was a time when I blogged faithfully multiple times a month. There was a time when I journaled daily. Writing has often been my go-to therapy. Yet lately it seems like it's been the time for processing my experiences and emotions in a different way. Why I wonder?

To be alive is to evolve. Could you imagine the world otherwise? If we all liked, wanted and knew the same things we did as children, what kind of world would we be living in? Well, maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible world, but you get my point! And getting back to it. . . Life carries us along through many different stages and places. Some of us prefer to be a passenger on the ship, as it were, while others opt to play captain. Some of us take our growth reactively, others proactively. But grow we must, and grow we do.

I started writing this blog when my marriage ended. I wrote my pain and my pleasure, my dark and my light so that ultimately I could come to see the oneness of it all and help my evolution along. Did I know that would happen? Not necessarily. Did I know other people would care to hear what I had to say? I hoped so, but nothing is guaranteed. Did I intend for my subsequent relationships, spiritual experiences, breakdowns and breakthroughs, all pretty personal subject matter, to become the content of this public forum? Definitely not. Yet that is exactly what transpired, and it has been a significant part of my evolution. I am most certainly not the same person who started writing back in 2010. And while I love her dearly, I am so glad to have evolved into the Jess I am today.

So if writing was such an integral part of my growth process for such a long time, and I know how much I enjoy the act, why haven't I been doing it much lately? I believe it comes down to attachment, or non-attachment, these days. I was attached to my marriage for six years, and when that was gone, I sought to attach myself to other things/people/activities to fill the void. While I had my yoga practice and my spiritual path to support me, those are largely individualized and internalized. I wasn't yet strong enough to be without a regular source of external support as well.

Of course, none of this was obvious to me at the time. I felt I was transitioning quite well into the next chapter of my life, embracing my independence, enjoying the freedom of being single and living fully. While all of that may have been true, I was also clinging very tightly to my group of incredible friends and soaking up the energy that came to me in the form of praise for my writing and other external pursuits, not unlike the way I might lean on and bask in the adoration of a partner. Apparently I wasn't loving myself quite enough to be able to feel fully adored, balanced, content and safe without some external validation. Attachment, as those of us who study yogic philosophy know, is the cause of much suffering and ultimately a hindrance to one's growth. So substituting an attachment to one thing for another is still attachment, and accordingly your growth will only go so far. Cultivating non-attachment, enjoying and even benefiting from "things" without feeling any possessiveness or dependency, is the real work.

Recently I have gotten much more comfortable being with me just doing my own thing. While I used to feel something was wrong if I didn't have a packed calendar or wasn't in the company of others all the time, lately I prefer to have more down time in my schedule and spend more time with myself. Of course, a social butterfly like me doesn't change her wings altogether. I still derive great pleasure from being out and about doing things I enjoy in the company of people I care about, those who uplift and inspire me. I've just become more selective about how I exchange energy. I'd rather read than write these days, turning to the words and teachings of ancient masters and modern-day mentors to further my evolution. I'd rather take a really amazing yoga class or chant my heart out at a kirtan on a Friday night then be out on the town. I'd rather cultivate my energy and share it with others wisely, kindly and compassionately than put it out there indiscriminately. None of this is to say I'm shutting myself off from the world. To the contrary, I'm channeling my focus to craft the world the way I want to live in it. . . at a higher vibration.

So thank you, JW, for prompting this opportunity for reflection and for bringing me to this moment where I felt inspired to write because it feels really good. If my words inspire you in turn it will be an amazing gift that I feel blessed to receive. And if you don't "hear" from me again for a while, know that it's just because I'm at a place in my evolution where I need to go inward a bit more, but my love and positivity will always flow outward toward the greater good as well.

Love, light and blessings.

Follow Your Yellow Brick Road

Just as Dorothy and her friends followed the yellow brick road to reach the Wizard of Oz and fulfill the wish that was dearest to each of them, all of us are doing something very similar. We are walking down our own roads with the goals, wishes, dreams and desires of our hearts and imaginations driving us forward. As each brick is laid down before us on this path called life really the only choice we get is whether to step forward faithfully or fearfully. Sure, we could stand still, but where would that get us? Walk with fear and the shadows and demons you believe exist will certainly find you. Walk with faith and you allow for the beauty and magic of your path unfold.

Maybe, like me, there are moments when you’ve grown a bit weary of the walking. It is daunting and frustrating to be sure when you have such a clear vision of what you’re walking toward and yet it is so seemingly unreachable. Fear would dishearten you. It would have you believe you’re not capable enough to reach your goal, not worthy of the prize you seek or any other number of fallacies. Faith, however, will sustain you. It will nudge you forward, providing you with precisely what you need to experience in order to grow, learn, mature and evolve so that you may get where you want to go. The Universe is not conspiring against us. On the contrary it is conspiring with us to make manifest the pure, true essence of love and light that are our very nature. If what you dream and desire is in the spirit of that nature, please have faith and believe that it will come to fruition.

And please know that I know well just how tricky it can be to walk this walk. I’m not preaching something I haven’t been through myself! If it were easy to wait patiently for life to unfold then we’d miss out on so many opportunities to become ever better versions of ourselves. We would not have a frame of reference from which to truly appreciate the abundant blessings bestowed upon us. We can better revel in light’s beauty because we have known darkness. We can better taste the sweetness of nourishing, delicious food when we have known what it is to be hungry or consume only impurities. We can truly revere the sacred importance of having a loving, devoted partner when we’ve known what it is to live life without one. I’m not suggesting you seek out the negative extremes just for the sake of having a richer experience with the positive one. Rather, be mindful of it all. Be keenly aware of every opportunity and experience, every brick on your path down the road of life, because it is there for a reason. Sometimes that reason is to teach a hard, uncomfortable lesson so you can better receive a blessing that is to come somewhere down the road.

Me, I’m not the most patient person by nature. It has taken a great concerted effort to practice more patience, and more mindfulness, in my life. I grew tired of suffering the consequences of living the other way. Lack of patience ultimately stems from control issues. When you’re impatient it’s because you want what you want, when you want it, because you want to be in control. When you finally have the ah-ha moment where you realize how precious little you get to control, patience is a lot easier to come by. And when you’re practicing patience, faith replaces fear almost effortlessly. Don’t believe me? Give it a try and see if it isn’t a little easier and more joyful to take those next steps down your Yellow Brick Road.

 Happy trails!
 

A Happy Heart

With Valentine's Day about to be upon us, love is in the air and on people's lips even more than the usual. I find it a little funny actually, that there needs to be a holiday for some people to really get into the spirit of love. The spirit of love is so present and all-pervading no matter when or where. The spirit of love is our very nature and we carry it with us in our hearts, in our souls, in every cell and fiber of our being. Yet we tend to forget this at times, or to disconnect from it, which is the cause of so much suffering and strife. So in honor of this season of love, I wanted to share an insight that I recently articulated in a very meaningful conversation with someone who means the world to me. . . Thank you, C.

As we travel along our respective paths through life, all of us ultimately seeking love, happiness, fulfillment, communion and the like, at one point or another most everyone falls into the trap of externalizing the search. We look for someone or something to magically make us feel loved, happy, fulfilled, connected, WHOLE. But we did not start our life's journey as anything less than whole. We did not start out as anything less than the complete and perfect embodiment of love, happiness and fulfillment, effortlessly and intrinsically connected to the source, to the one, to the Divine or whatever you'd like to call it. This is our very nature, so when we honor love outwardly on an occasion such as Valentine's Day or an anniversary or any other special date on the calendar of our lives, let us also remember to honor love inwardly, on that day and every other, because it is the love within us that makes all other love possible.

Nurturing and expressing your own love is what allows you to then connect to the love in others. Understanding that you and you alone have the power to create your own happiness and fulfillment is what shifts you into a space of constant contentment because nothing external can take that from you. The people and circumstances of your life can bring many ups and downs, highs and lows, yet you have an anchor to ground you through them all. That anchor is the love in your heart, the sense of your Self, that nothing and no one can shake. And when you are that solid and your love is that strong, it empowers you to attract and cultivate relationships and circumstances that feed that love and sense of self in the most positive way, thus perpetuating more of that yummy, juicy goodness all around.

Love yourself first and foremost. Take full and total responsibility for your happiness, fulfillment and the connections your form. Then you will know what it is to have a happy heart.

Love and blessings, friends!

Dawn

When I open my eyes to the dark stillness of the pre-dawn hours, there is a peace that fills me, different from any other time of day. The world seems calm, nurtured from a restful night, cool from the loving light of the moon and open to the infinite possibility that dawns with each new day.

I embrace this same energy.

Candles are lit.

Nag champa fills the air.

I bow, in reverence, to the image of my masters, the deities that inspire me, the Universe and the guru within.

Rolling out my mat, I connect slow, steady breath to soft, gentle movement. Bit by bit the stiffness that may linger from my night's sleep melts away. Toes curl. Feet point and flex. Ankles rotate. Hamstrings lengthen. Hips open. Spine twists, bends and grows taller. Shoulders roll. Neck circles. Crown of the head lights up, radiating vibrantly, reaching toward the heavens. Morning practice.

Now to breathe. Pranayama, breath control, to open and balance not only my respiratory channels but my energetic ones as well. Skull Shining Breath. Alternate Nostril Breathing. Slow, deep, three-part yogic breath. I am full.

Om. Om. Om.

Meditation. Sukasana or Ardha Padmasana to sit comfortably with a straight spine, chakras aligned. Japa Mala begins, using my prayer beads to count along with the silent, glorious repetition of my mantra. This is when I often notice the tingling sensation around my heart chakra, a swirl of buzzing energy around this sacred space, letting me know that I am open, receptive, alive and connected to the Universe. It is love.

Om. Om. Om.

The Gayatri Mantra. Perhaps the Sivananda Daily Chants. Various mantras and bhajans that stir my soul on this given day. Perhaps I need to experience a release and cry. Perhaps I need to spread some of the joy I feel inside through the vibration of my voice. Always I feel compelled to reflect from a space of gratitude. So after reading a message for the day and when the closing prayers are through, once again I prostrate and I give thanks. Every single time.

By now the sun is in the sky. Dawn has come and gone. The new day is here, and I, as a child of God, as a reflection of the grace of the Universe, as Self and self, am ready to begin again.

Namaste.

Putting the HAPPY in New Year

I completely love ringing in a new year. New beginnings, fresh starts, chances to set new intentions and resolutions, I am all for it. Celebrating joyously with the ones you love, focusing on the abundant blessings in life, what could be better? With all of this being so very present as we are just two days into 2012, it got me thinking. For all the intentions, resolutions, chances to begin again, the fundamental element is this: whatever you want, whatever you set out to accomplish, achieve or acquire, unless it is authentic and consistent with your own personal truth, it very likely won't stick and it almost certainly won't be a source of happiness.

The thing about this personal truth is it can be somewhat elusive. It takes a true commitment to seek it out, and while seeking you are most surely going to come across some aspects of yourself that may not be so pretty. We are such complex creatures with intricacies, quirks and predilections that allow each of us to be uniquely ourselves. Accordingly, it takes a lot to really know ourselves, to really grasp what makes us tick, what attracts or repels us, what nurtures, inspires and fulfills us, and how we operate in ways that either support bringing the things we want into our lives or not. Sometimes the hardest reality to face is the recognition that we very often stand in the way of our own happiness by acting inconsistently with our truth, making it hard to feel the true peace and happiness that we all desire.

I've spent a lot of time over these last couple of months reflecting purposefully on my truth, and the ways in which I can do a better job of supporting it. I realize my power, that my thoughts, words and actions are so strong and forceful that they can and do shape the course of my life. So if I am thinking, saying and doing things that are consistent with what I want to manifest, so it shall be. As soon as those thoughts, words and actions become inconsistent, I'm manifesting the opposite of what I say I want, the opposite of my truth. Not surprisingly, the clearest and most potent example of this for me has to do with love.

I know what I want in the man in my life, I know the kind of relationship I want to be in, and yet I have involved myself with partners who simply do not fit the bill. It isn't that they're bad guys, To the contrary, they're great guys, guys with plenty of redeeming qualities and strengths, an inner light that sparkles bright enough to have caught my eye and obviously enough common ground for us to connect over. But they also possess certain characteristics or behave in ways that I know don't work for me. I've tried and tried to make it work all the same, not realizing that being so inconsistent with what I know my truth to be is sending a giant mixed message to the Universe. If I say I want one thing, but settle for another, how is the Universe supposed to know what really works for me? If I say I want to be treated with a certain consideration and respect, but allow and accept a partner who treats me in ways that I feel are inconsiderate or disrespectful, I am not living my truth, and I won't ever be fully happy as a result. And it isn't what said guy does or does not do that will have an impact on my happiness. It is the deep-seeded, subconscious knowledge that either I am or am not living as authentically as possible that will determine my happiness. My happiness is my responsibility. I own it. It is up to me to surround myself with relationships, activities, etc. that support my happiness.

This may sound simple enough, but anyone who has gotten real with themselves and tried to look at this knows it is easier said than done. It is damn hard to call yourself out for getting in your own way because we are so conditioned to pointing a finger elsewhere and turning a blind eye. But that all too common euphemism, "I'm my own worst enemy" comes from somewhere. We often stand in the way of our true fulfillment and contentment simply because we haven't taken the time to fully understand what we really want to begin with. And once you've taken that step, the next is looking hard and deep to see the ways in which you can better bring that into being, because there is a very good chance you're doing an awful lot that runs counter to it. If you say you want to be in a loving, committed relationship but just hook-up all the time or always seem to end up with commitment-phobes, where do you think that is going to land you? If you say you want to cultivate a spiritual practice but wile away your days and party all the time instead of meditating, praying or connecting to a spiritual community, what do you expect to happen? If you say you want a career change, but don't bother to acquire new and different skills or search for other opportunities, do you think a new job will just fall into your lap? We all know the answers to these questions, and somewhere inside we know what we need to do.

So do it! Do it now! Do it in honor of 2012. Do it in honor of yourself. Get to know yourself and love yourself enough to be totally, unabashedly truthful then act in complete accordance. You may not be walking down the easiest path this way, but ultimately you will be walking down the happiest one. Here's to it!

What do YOU want?

Merry Christmas Eve! Today also happens to be the new moon in Capricorn, both auspicious times where much attention gets paid to attaining things we want. Where the former is concerned, there is so much fuss over material gifts, making sure you have the perfect party outfit, a delicious menu set for that celebratory dinner or fabulous plans to ring in the holidays. I'm not immune to any of that myself, though I hope we can all agree it should be kept within reason, and ultimately be clear that what matters is sharing meaningful time and being surrounded by the loving, uplifting energy of friends and family. Where the latter is concerned, with this new moon, coming just on the heels of the new sun that dawned with the winter solstice, we have an opportunity to focus on manifesting the gifts and celebrations of our heart's deepest desires. This is definitely worthy of full on focus, for where our attention goes, our energy flows and that is the surest way to attract into our lives the things we want.

My use of the word "things" is decidedly not meant to signify just material things. That may be applicable to some; however, in my case at least, there is literally nothing material that I absolutely want/need/cannot live without that I don't already have. Sure, an iPad would be awesome, a new car would be a blast, a shopping spree would be fun while it lasts, but is any of that going to change my life? Most certainly not. So at 1:06pm EST today, as I knelt at my altar in my freshly saged house, honoring the new moon and stating my intentions, desires and manifestations, my focus was single pointed and quite simple: love.

During this time of year, even the happiest and most blessed among us may find themselves feeling the twinge of a certain longing, reflecting on something that is absent or unfinished in their lives. Some may wish for health, whether for themselves or a loved one in need. Others may wish for a quarrel to be resolved, a distance to be bridged, a struggle to come to an end. And I know that I am unquestionably not alone in wishing for love. There is no desperation to this wish, there is no demand. There is simply the unshakable knowledge that I have so much love in my heart and what will fulfill me more than anything is to find someone to share it with. But that someone is not just anyone. That someone is the dreamer of dreams compatible with my own. He is ready and able to make them manifest just as I am. He is deeply spiritual and yet very worldly. He is a constant student and gracious teacher. He wants to be a father as surely as I want to be a mother. He values kindness, compassion, generosity and strength. He embodies grace and acts with passion. And in loving one another, the power of our love will grow exponentially, and there is certainly no harm in putting more love out into the world.

My life has such an abundance of love in it already that there are certain moments when I feel almost selfish asking for more. Yet this love is a unique love, different from the one I share with my mother and brother, my best friends, the dear and incredible children that I'm blessed to have in my life. This love has a depth and a power all its own. I've tasted it before, and consider myself so very fortunate to have done so. But tasting is tasting. And being fulfilled is being fulfilled. So seizing the special and potent opportunity of this day, I am making my desire known, and committing to do everything I need to do to ensure I am worthy and ready of it becoming manifest. I hope that you will be so bold as to do the same. Decide what you want and put it out there for the Universe. Speak it out loud or in your mind. Write it for the world to see or in your private journal. Do all of the above if you so choose, just so long as you give voice and clarity to your heart's desire. Then trust.

Wishing you a beautiful and bright holiday season!

Mercury in Retrograde and the Man Parade

I'm definitely not an astrology expert. Sometimes I feel like my base of knowledge in this area is just enough to be dangerous because it can get me into trouble trying to analyze things I don't fully understand. As an aquarius, I've learned about the aspects of myself that are and are not true to my sign. When a guy comes into my life I definitely read up on our compatibility, or lack thereof, from an astrological perspective. Understanding their signs has helped me to be more accepting of my friends in certain ways. And I absolutely know that when Mercury goes into retrograde, stuff gets a little haywire. I don't know what going into retrograde actually means; however, I am familiar with some of its symptoms, such as odd, inexplicable issues with electronic and mechanical devices, or things getting mysteriously lost or delayed. Relationships have a way of shifting, could be for better, could be for worse. And during this present Mercury retrograde I've been slapped in the face by yet another symptom: people from the past suddenly reappearing. My, oh my!!

I pride myself on the fact that I do not burn bridges. I don't slam doors in people's faces when they walk out of my life, or when I walk out of theirs, because you just never know when one of you may need or want to cross that threshold again. Like a good aquarius, I strive to maintain good relationships with my exes, or at least regard them well even if we're not actively in each others lives. For me, it is simply easier to reflect from a space of gratitude on all that was gained by the coming together of said ex and I than to harbor resentment about why it didn't work. We came together for a reason. Lifetime commitment may not have been it, but there was a reason to be sure. I'm grateful for them all.

Being grateful is one thing. Having a parade of exes stream through your life out of nowhere in the course of a week is another. Admittedly, I sought one of them out. C #1, my ex-husband, who remains one of my most sacred friends, has never really disappeared altogether, though sometimes we go months without seeing each other or even speaking. That said, we're unfailingly there for each other when needed, and well, I needed him so he came. Just as I knew it would, being together gave me a sense of comfort and security during a trying time. I am so thankful for the beautiful friendship we have. He's a great person, and I know I'm lucky to have him in my life. Of course, trying times can bring a lot of emotion up. You're vulnerable, maybe feeling extra stressed or sensitive. I was all of the above. And in that state, I found myself wondering "what if?" Not what if we stayed together, because I 110% believe that would not have been right. But what if we were to be together again? Like I said, no bridges will ever be burned. Yet right now neither one of us seems interested in jeopardizing a friendship as special as the one we've cultivated in order to explore any outlying possibilities, so I'm content to just leave that be.

As for the other three, well those I definitely did not seek out. I honestly didn't expect any of them, so each one was a shock in his own way, if not entirely a surprise. What it all means, I really do not know. Where it will lead, I know even less!

First there was R. whose name has never even been mentioned in this blog because he is from so far back in my past that he just doesn't factor in. There was never a thought of him reappearing. We're talking high school. Kid stuff really. My first. So when we ran into each other by complete chance encounter not once but twice around town, well, I started to wonder what that was all about. Now I know it was about nothing more than a little fun catch up, and in my case at least, a chance to see how far I've come and how much I've grown. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you and goodbye.

Then out of the clear blue sky, A. contacts me. We haven't seen each other in close to a year. We haven't spoken in at least 8 months. He was hard to get over, like a band aid I just couldn't help but rip off slowly. While I never count anything out, I really didn't count on him coming back in. So we chatted and caught up on the highlights of each others lives this past year. I learned so very much through my relationship with A. In particular, I learned so much through the coming undone of it all. And just like with R. this was a chance to see how I've progressed since then. It's gratifying to be honest because I have grown a lot. I'm proud of myself. I worked hard. It was a concerted effort. Many tears were shed. Many restless nights were passed. That all seems so far behind me, and that's because it is. I can honor him for the teacher he was. I know he knows the good in me. So we both have things to be appreciative of, and that is that. Where it could go beyond here is anyone's guess. The beauty, for me, is having absolutely no attachment or expectations whatsoever. It is so liberating to feel that way toward someone that I once felt so attached to and expected so much of.

Last to make his appearance was C #2, my most recent love. This was hardest. This hurt. The only reason for the hurt is because I still have so much love and tenderness for him alive in me. Not yet two months removed from our love affair, anything to do with him still conjures such strong emotion for me. We've had some contact with each other during that time, but not much and not in-person. And I realized that pretty much all of the limited contact beyond the first week or so apart had been initiated by me. So my breath caught in my chest when I saw his name on my phone late last Friday night. I was out having a fun, fabulous Miami night with friends. The mood was joyful to the extreme. And just a "Hi. How are you?" from him rocked it all for me. What does he want? What do I want? Could I have been too impulsive in ending it? Could anything much really have changed in such a short time? Will we see each other? How will that feel? So many questions swirling in my mind. So many feelings swirling in my heart. So many opportunities to get myself in check.

That is basically what I've taken away from all of these unexpected encounters at this point. They happened so that I could check myself, reflect on myself and have some open, honest conversations with myself. Whatever does or does not happen with any or all of these men is secondary to what happens with me. Love, once lit, is an eternal flame in my opinion. I know I will always love C, A and C in a certain way. I love them each differently, appreciate them for a variety of reasons, and can only hope that I have inspired them in some way that contributes to their growth and fulfillment just as they have mine. But in the present moment, that is all there is where they are concerned. None of them has my heart now, nor I theirs. None of them is actively sharing in my life, nor I theirs. My heart is my own, my life is my own, and thus, all the lessons and experiences are my own. I feel fortunate that I had the chance to recall, and in some cases realize, the qualities in each of these men that I so adore, as well as those that I do not. Thanks to that, and the Law of Attraction, I can focus on the positive and trust that my future love will be the culmination of all these positive pieces that up until now I have only known scattered among different lovers. I gained further clarity into what I want, who I am and what I have to offer. As far as I'm concerned, that is a wonderful and worthwhile outcome after all the Mercury retrograde mayhem I experienced.

So whatever moon, star, planet or sun happens to be affecting you, I wish you that as well. I wish you the chance to know yourself better with every experience, every encounter. It is only in truly getting to know yourself that you can know real freedom, peace and contentment. That is ultimately what each of us is seeking, so let's honor that journey and honor the ones who help us along the way, whether we realize it in the moment or not.