Running in heels. . . and catching my breath

I found myself walking hurriedly through the airport this morning, rushing to the gate to catch a flight that was already boarding for my second business trip in as many days, literally holding back tears. Why was I holding them back, you might ask? Or why did I feel like crying in the first place, perhaps? If you happen to be a reader who knows me personally, you’re probably wondering why the “Queen of Punctuality” was running behind schedule to begin with.

There’s much that I’ve been wondering about lately, many a “why” that I’m trying to decipher. This morning’s near tearfest was a product of some inner discord that I’m wading through. Since the incredible experience of my recent yoga retreat, I have been feeling a deeper sense of connection and commitment than ever to my spiritual practice. All I want to do is spend my days in nature, chanting mantras, practicing asanas and keeping company with others of inspired consciousness or simply with my own contemplations. I don’t just want this because I desire to live my life on some sort of permanent vacation. I want this because it is the way I feel authentically like myself, like I am fulfilling my purpose in this life. But the fact is, no one other than me has chosen not to make this my main focus at the moment. I chose to have a career, a home, the garden variety responsibilities and obligations, a total “of-the-world” existence. Thankfully that existence incorporates spirituality and a wonderful yoga practice to a significant degree, yet it keeps a distinction between the two. They co-exist and even intermingle quite well, but they are not fully integrated, and I have begun to feel this on a visceral level lately. That is the discord I speak of.

So back to this morning. . .

I caused myself to rush to catch my flight by dawdling. I woke up early enough to have sufficient time for a little morning practice, getting ready and out the door to the airport without having to really rush, which should have given me a fine start to my day. But instead of following the schedule I’d laid out in my head, I felt extremely unmotivated, a product of my overall lack of enthusiasm about my business trip, and thus dragged my feet. This meant no time to spend at my altar and me walking out my front door at the exact moment I should have been walking into the airport. As such, I was tense and frustrated while I drove, or better, while I sped, weaved in and out of traffic, huffed and puffed, mouthed-off to red lights and all-around lost touch with the calm center of my being. While this was happening, somewhere inside I was witnessing my behavior and the thoughts and feelings that were accompanying it. I was conscious of the fact that no amount of huffing and puffing was going to force the lights to turn green any faster. I was aware that my reckless driving in an attempt to shave a couple of minutes off my commute was ludicrous when I consider that it increased the likelihood of bodily harm to others and to myself. I told myself to take some deep breaths, which I did, and to chant along with the mantras coming through my speakers, which I did, but my energy scale remained tipped toward the negative.

By the time I was approaching the gate, I had taken full stock of the morning’s events, and it literally brought up such a swell of emotion that tears came to my mascara-enhanced eyes. I held them back lest I sully my work-ready face paint. It didn’t feel good. If higher consciousness is what I am seeking, then let me start right here, right now, because that is all there is. My obligations and responsibilities don’t simply extend to paying my bills, performing my job duties well and other aspects of the mundane. They extend to me being honest toward myself and recognizing that any discord or discontent I am feeling is of my own doing. I chose to allow negative emotion to be my focus as opposed to positive, just as I have chosen to segregate my life, making a distinction between my practice and my career. I say the former fulfills and nourishes me, while the latter just doesn’t, yet that is not true. It is my attitude toward these things that dictates what my experience with them will be. My career has afforded me the means to delve deeper into my spiritual practice by giving me time and resources to study, train, travel, etc. My career gives me a unique perspective that has fostered an even deeper appreciation for all that yoga has brought to my life. How can I rightly bemoan it then? While I might ultimately hope to one day have my life’s work be a full integration and expression of my spiritual practice (translation: no more corporate job) I have the power to see my present circumstances in exactly that same light.

My tears were part release of tension, part celebration of this recognition. It is part of the inner work I must do, that I want to do, to make peace with where I am at on my journey right now and to learn all I can from each aspect of the experience, even the ones that don’t seem as inviting or enjoyable. I have it within my to find nourishment and fulfillment in them, just as I do from the overtly spiritual aspects. Therein lies the lesson that I needed to be taught today, the lesson that I want to share with you. It is all a question of our attitude and our thought process in any and every situation. There is no external cause of suffering or discord. We create it ourselves, and as such, we can also choose not to. I don’t claim that this is easy, but it is simple. Think about it.

A deep breath and a pat on the back

In the interest of full disclosure and honesty, while I am doing my best to walk down the spiritual path that I've chosen and to embody the principles, values and teachings that accompany it, I have a LONG way to go. No real surprise there, I suppose, since that is pretty much true for most all of us. And one way in which this is very obvious to me is that I still have a heck of a lot of ego to deal with. Ah yes, ego. It is a word that comes up quite often among us mindful types because we're so busy trying to sublimate it. Sometimes that can mean we feel the need to discuss it ad nauseum. But ego isn't all bad. It depends on how you look at it, and how you put it to use.

Tonight, my ego is compelling me to share a story that is going to read much like a proverbial pat on the back, and that would be because it is. I had an experience today that I find tremendously gratifying because it gave me a very clear, tangible opportunity to see that all the work I've been doing is actually paying off. I'm proud of myself! And if sharing that pride is an ego-driven act, then so be it. I'm hoping the positive effects of my attempts at humor and inspiration will help score me spirit points to offset the whole ego business ;-)

With all the reflection on love that I've been doing during the past few weeks, not surprisingly A., my ex-boyfriend, has occupied a good bit of brain span. It seems natural and reasonable enough that, when contemplating the intricacies of love and relationships, one would refer to his or her own experiences, and in all likelihood, the current or most recent one is going to figure pretty strongly into the mix. I've been over A. for a while now, technically speaking. We haven't seen each other in a couple of months, my life has moved forward splendidly, I've met some people who've sparked my interest and I am in a great place all around. From a not-so-technical standpoint, however, I've kept a little soft spot in my heart for him where I've held out a tad of hope that the time would come when circumstances would be different, we would reconnect and the spark of love that we shared would once again be fanned into full-on flames. And because I've been feeling so lovey-dovey, naturally I figured this would be a great time to put that to the test. I'm a romantic, what can I say?!?

Or maybe I'm just really hard-headed and have to have certain lessons beaten in there by brute force before I can truly appreciate them. Chances are it is a little of both. There were things about my relationship with A. that weren't making me entirely comfortable or happy even when things were amazing between us. Being in love as I was, I conveniently pushed those to the side and focused on what was so good about us. And since our relationship ended, there have been multiple instances of emotional outpourings and attempts at reconnection that just haven't been sustainable. All signs point to us not serving each others' greater good any longer, and yet it has taken me months to really internalize this. It took me until today, actually.

After yet another attempt at reconnection didn't come fully to fruition, I witnessed myself almost instantaneously process the situation from a place of total presence and mindfulness. One of the best ways I can describe this is that my higher self took control of the situation and began to drive my inner dialog. A. flaked on plans with me twice this week, which was entirely not surprising. What was surprising, or better said, really pleasing, was that rather than get upset about it, give him an earful and then require a good dose of talk-therapy with one of my girlfriends to blow off some steam and process everything constructively (which is a respectable option!), I just did it right then and there on my own. I calmly hung up the phone. Then I witnessed my mental process of running down a little checklist of things I could do "to feel better", realizing immediately that they were simply distractions and not resolutions. Higher self Jess quickly nixed those. Instead, I sat still, took a few deep breaths and connected to my center. Then I hopped on my bike, rode to the beach to the tune of beautiful mantras streaming through my headphones, journaled by the ocean and worked it all out. Far healthier than mopping around, emotional eating, thinking that this may have been a great moment to take a stab at online dating or any other diversion that I could have easily created to keep myself from really looking at what was happening so I can process it and move on.

Yoga's myriad teachings have shown me the immeasurable benefit of practices such as being present and connecting to your breath. It is one thing to incorporate these practices on the mat during an asana class, though that one thing isn't always easy either! It is entirely another thing to incorporate these practices into the challenges and trials of day-to-day living. And that is really what this is all for. When I talk about the work I'm doing paying off, I'm not talking about all the hours I spend each week pushing myself physically while I drip sweat and twist myself up like a pretzel. Cool as that may be, that is just a means to an end. The end, which I do not have any delusions of actually reaching in this lifetime, is self realization. Know thyself, know the Divine. I walk the conscious, spiritual, yogic path proudly and contentedly, knowing that the process is a huge reward in and of itself. The process provides moments like I experienced today where I feel true peace, true centeredness. Those moments offer a taste of the ultimate self realization that we are working toward. Feeling your own divinity in the form of true alignment on all levels- body, breath, heart, mind, soul- is among the sweetest nectar there is.

In the light of love

It has been four days back at home since my time spent in Nosara, Costa Rica. I know from experience that returning to your day-to-day life after having such a spiritually charged break from it can be a tricky adjustment. I'm trying to keep myself safely in the "bhakti bubble" that marked my time away, particularly the sacred chant and yoga retreat portion. I find myself craving alone time, preferring the company of mantras, the ocean and my journal to even my closest friends. Unusual, compared to my typical, social butterfly way of being. But I have much to process, much to ponder, and it all comes down to love.

Love was the constant theme of the retreat. Bhakti is the yoga of devotion, the yoga of love. We spent our days singing about it, talking about it, feeling it and being it. We were living in the bhakti bubble. And it got better. Every aspect of the experience felt nourishing. Each day, delicious, fresh, healthful vegetarian meals were laid out for us. Nature's beauty provided a serene backdrop to our every moment. In the company of other conscious, spiritual beings you couldn't help but feel more enlightened and inspired than normal. And it was hot and sticky, with little clothing required, so you just became comfortable with your skin and your natural beauty. It was all a very intoxicating combination. It's like being high on a wonder drug where everything and everyone are love.

So if the retreat is the high, coming home is the detox. Everything has to get processed. And for me, the processing has been a meditation on love. Love. It is a small, simple word, and some even try to make it into a small, simple concept. That couldn't be further from the truth. Love is bigger and more powerful than the mighty ocean. Love is the force of life. Love is all-pervading. Social conditioning would tell us that there is romantic love, as in being in love with your significant other, and there is love of family, of children, of friends. There is even room for love of animals, of nature, of places. But each of these is a tightly defined category. Each of these has a place in the heirarchy of love. In my contemplation, I came to realize that, at least to some degree, I've blindly followed this belief, and I see now that it just doesn't resonate with my heart.

Take the retreat as an example. Here was an opportunity where everyone was in love. It wasn't necessarily romantic love, but it was love to be sure. There was powerful connection. There was a constant cycle of people projecting yummy, juicy, sticky-sweet emotions onto others and then having them reflected back, perpetuating love all around. Most of us were complete strangers, and yet we found ourselves part of connections bound by the pureness and intimacy that are the trademarks of love. And then there was the music, the most soul-stirring, trance-inducing kirtan. It all felt a bit like the kind of free love that marked the hippie movement in the sixties, only it was happening in the here and now.

So who is to say that love must be placed in a neat little box? I say love is wild, abstract and cannot be contained. I say you can be in love, fully and strongly, with multiple people at once. Being in love need not always entail a romantic connection. It can be a soul connection, a mind connection, a connection through a shared powerful experience. It can happen in an instant, and it can last for only a finite, fleeting period of time. Being in love doesn't always unfold the way we've been told it will since we were children. It isn't always about two lovers meeting, getting to know one another, building a life based on shared history and experience. Certainly this can and does happen. Certainly it can be entirely gratifying. But that isn't all there is. There is being in love as a group mentality. There is being in love with someone who deeply inspires you and touches your soul, even if only from a distance. And at the foundation, there is being in love with yourself. Taking the time to really connect to your heart and soul, to hear, see and feel who you truly are, what you truly desire and aspire to in this life. That is one of the ultimate acts of love, as it then allows you to fulfill your true purpose, which will always only benefit everyone.

As a bhakti yogi, I subscribe to the belief that we are all love, we are all one and we are all divine. So I say spread the love. Continue being part of the cycle of projecting and reflecting. I'm not saying poly-amorous lifestyles for all, though no judgment if that's your thing. I'm simply saying that we should let love flow freely and authentically rather than trying to reign it in and narrowly define it. Imagine what that would mean to our relationships, to our world! To me, it is one of the most beautiful and inspiring notions. A world where we can freely and safely express and embody love without restraint. A world where the underlying connection that we all share is understood to be love. How amazing!

Bhakti in paradise

I'm in love. There is just no other way to describe how I feel about where I am and what I am living right now. Because I promised myself this trip would include time for writing in the formal sense, but I've been extremely content balancing my time between very actively soaking up every possible drop of the experience I'm immersed in, as well as mastering the art of sitting still and accomplishing the same goal very passively, I figured blogging is a good way to go. I'm in a constant satsang, translated from Sanskrit as good company or a spiritual gathering, at the highest level. I'm taking Jivamukti classes led by Sharon and David themselves, with Deva Premal on the mat nearby, having stimulating conversation about vedanta and life with Shyam Das over breakfast, joining in intimate kirtan sessions led by Deva, Mitten and Manose, and have I mentioned this is all taking place in an absolute paradise that time has forgotten in a way? I am part of a group from all around the world, each one with their own intriguing story to tell, love of yoga and the bhakti path uniting us.

Oh, and then there is the natural beauty that I could go on describing infinitely. The musky, slightly sticky smell of tropical forest meeting ocean shore. Flowers perfuming the morning air with their nectar. The smoothly worn rocks creating lovely little tidal pools to explore. The constant hum of cicadas, bird songs and the occasional bellow of a howler monkey. The night sky so dark with the moon so bright that everything is gently illuminated by its glow and the twinkling of the stars. The roll and roar of the surf as I become weightless and lose myself in the vastness of the ocean. The fact that I can walk a few minutes to a beach with no one on it but me and enjoy the divine pleasure of doing that in nothing but my flesh. . . amazing how a couple of patches of fabric can be so encumbering. More amazing still what it is to experience the total freedom and connection to Mother Earth that being in nature in the nude can bring.

Overwhelmingly, I've been in a bliss state. Even in the moments when my physical exhaustion was intense or an upwelling of emotion has brought forth tears, the bliss remains. I am in such an intimate and sacred space, and yet I feel so connected to everything and everyone, a true sense of the oneness that binds us all. Love, prem, shema, amor. . .call it what you want. The feeling is all- powerful and all-pervading. Love is what I feel, what I am. Bhakti yoga, the yoga of devotion, is love. I cannot express how fortunate I feel to be experiencing it in this way, surrounded by such love-filled souls, with the music of love filling our days and the love of Mother Earth filling our senses.

As the blog title goes, happily now beats happily ever after, and I am undeniably, unequivocally happily now. Namaste, dear ones.

What a day! What a lesson!

Are you familiar with the saying that goes something like "make sure your words are sweet in case you have to eat them later"? In a way I just lived through that. Yesterday, I had a pleasantly positive experience that prompted me to reflect on and share the sentiment that the beauty of not having expectations is that you get to experience the unexpected. Today, I had expectations (reasonable ones in my opinion) that didn't quite come to fruition, and the unexpected that I got instead was decidedly less than positive, at least in the moment. Gotta love life's sense of humor and way of really driving lessons home!

Details, juicy details. . .

The pleasantly positive was a get-together with someone I met recently. I wasn't looking, and had I been, this guy, on the surface, certainly isn't a match for all the criteria I likely would have been searching for. There are a lot of differences between us that might cause two other people to quickly surmise it isn't even worth the effort to have breakfast. But chemistry is chemistry, and as someone who does her absolute best to be present to and aware of all that comes across my path, I couldn't deny it. I have no idea where it will lead, nor do I have any attachment to the outcome, which is a HUGELY refreshing sensation. But I am really tickled to simply have had the fortuitous opportunity to share a bit of time and get to know a little of a very unexpected character. And sure, it doesn't hurt that there's a definite flirtatious element involved. . .I may not be actively looking, but that doesn't mean I don't notice and appreciate it all the same ;-)

Perhaps a big part of the reason I'm finding it so easy to be unattached to this situation is that I've been really enjoying some "me time" these days. Life has been busy. There have been a lot of major occurrences and shifts taking place for me and those closely surrounding me. It is really an ideal time to have the complete freedom of being on my own. The most delicious manifestation of my "me time" directly ties into me eating my words, however. This morning I was to depart for a solo vacation that I have been so looking forward to that words cannot describe. A week yoga retreat with renowned teachers and kirtan artists in a beautiful tropical setting, followed by a few days of surfing and R&R. Yummy yum yum! So I was none too thrilled when my phone rang at 3:30am to tell me my flight was canceled, setting in motion a day full of absurdly long hold-times with multiple airlines and other assorted travel industry-types, no sleep and me sitting in an airport at present waiting to catch a midnight flight thanks to my completely rearranged schedule. My expectation was that my travel plans would go off without a hitch. Instead a got a dose of the unexpected.

The beauty, however, is still abundantly clear to me, and that is the real gift. Yes, I am sleep deprived and not quite recovered from some allergy/cold thing that's had me coughing for days, so I'm exhausted. Yes, I am disappointed to miss even a moment of this retreat that means so much to me. Yes, I'd like to have American Airlines proverbial head on a platter. But all of that is able to be put aside with relative ease by simply reminding myself that everything in life happens with definite purpose and reason. While it may not always be easy to see in the moment, you never know what harm you have skirted or what gift you may receive as a result of the unexpected appearing in your life. If you can stay centered and calm, breathe deep and still strive to show up as the best you that you can be even in the most aggravating or challenging of times, that in and of itself is a beautiful gift. If you can remain so fully open in both heart and mind at all times that you are able to recognize beauty in a person or a place that you wouldn't have expected, that is a true gift as well.

I'm grateful for the turn of events over the past 36 hours. It has given me an opportunity for some wonderful reflection and to really live some of the most key principles of my spiritual path. And in the spirit of better late than never, I am still Pura Vida-bound and excited for an amazing adventure!! Wishing you the same, wherever you may be.

Meditation on my mind

I've been cultivating a meditation practice for about four years now, and as I am confident anyone who has attempted the same would agree, it ain't easy! The concept of sitting quietly on a cozy little cushion, candles lit, maybe some incense burning and meaningful images surrounding you may sound very relaxing and inviting. But once you park yourself in the midst of that setup and actually go about the business of turning inward and trying to silence your mind, it can quickly transform into a very trying and stressful situation. Our minds are in constant motion, full of thoughts, concerns, to-do lists, song lyrics, memories, you name it. All of that beautiful chaos swirls and swirls ceaselessly, so when you actually take the time to observe it all and slow it down hopefully to the point of silence, you immediately come to the realization that it will be no small feat.

Fear not! This isn't a story of doom and gloom. Rather, I've found from my own experience with mediation, and from the teachings and commentary of countless others, that there really is a payoff, even when it doesn't readily feel that way. Just by creating a space and time to develop your meditation practice in, you are taking positive steps forward. After a few months of meditating in the middle of my living room without much pomp or circumstance, I decided it was time to create a space and establish a routine for my practice to really blossom in. When I first created my altar, it literally felt like building a home for myself. My altar is a place where I can just be. No pretense. No judgement. No one but me, my soul, my mind and the Divine. And just like our traditional, physical homes, there are moments when I want to stay away. There are moments when the place that normally is the most safe and inviting scares me because I'm going through something heavy that I'm not quite ready to face. There are moments when I'm caught up in the distraction of "visiting" elsewhere, checking out other places and straying from my regular meditation practice, letting days or even weeks go by without sitting at my altar. But invariably, when I do return, it is the most delicious homecoming.

I had an experience like that this morning. It had been nearly a week since I sat at my altar for my practice of meditation and chanting, a morning routine that I've been doing for years. Thanks to all that experience, I know by now how good it is for me, and how much I end up enjoying it and benefitting from it, even when it feels like a total chore to get myself there. Today REALLY drove that message home. Maybe it is the new moon going into Aquarius or the auspicious day of Mahashivaratri or the fact that I'm PMSing or just the highs and lows of life lately. All I know is that when I sat down, closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, belted out a fews "oms" from the core of my being and then let the quiet start to come, I experienced an instant transformation. It was palpable. At first I felt a physical heaviness, like the weight of everything I've been carrying around lately collapsed on top of me. My eyelids in particular felt cemented down for a moment, but then a single tear slipped through each one. Those two tears released the pressure of the weight I'd felt just seconds before, and in its place came a lightness and a calm that immediately elevated my consciousness. It took me inward, connected body, breath, soul and mind. My thoughts slowed, my mantra flowed, and I was solely the observer. I was peace. This may have lasted ten seconds or ten minutes or more. I really don't know. It was a sensation beyond time. And that is the beauty of meditation.

Whether you're into yoga or not, whether your life is blissfully stress-free or a hot mess, meditate. Learn to sit with yourself, to slow down your thoughts enough to observe them rather than identify with them, to find the comfort and wisdom in this silent state. It is so essential to your well-being to learn how to really go inward and connect with the deeper, more subtle aspects of yourself. In that place, you find comfort, answers, strength, love and everything else that we spend so much time and energy searching for outside of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with getting the advice of a trusted friend or the warm embrace of the one you love when you need it, but think about how amazing it is to know that you can also give yourself all of that and more any time you choose just by quieting your mind and listening to your true voice.

Wishing you many a marvelous meditation. Namaste.

Heal your heart

Ever notice how when you're going through something that has to do with your heart, whether being madly in love, grieving a loss, celebrating something joyful or healing from a breakup, every song you hear seems to speak to you? That happens to me anyway. I love music. Love it. Love it. Love it. And while I may find myself completely moved and entranced by the instruments in a beautiful song, it's the lyrics that often get me. It's the lyrics that resonate with my soul, touch my heart and give a voice to the many emotions swirling wildly within me.

My heart has been pretty tender lately. I'm still dealing with what it is to really love someone yet know you can't be with them. And with several people I love going through real and substantial pain with breakups, deception and death in their midst, I'm extra tender out of sympathy. Each time I turn on the radio, download music for a new playlist or decide to listen at random to my ever-growing iTunes catalog, I seem to come across a song that reaches down to the very depths of my pain. The memories flood into my mind's eye and longing grips my heart. My friends' hurt mirrored in my own being rises to the surface even more acutely. It really does leave me breathless at moments. But just as much as music can touch my pain and my fear, it also touches my strength, my courage, my hope, my conviction and my joy. It validates my efforts and motivates me to continue forward along my path. Truly, there is a soundtrack to my life, as I'm sure there is yours, that we can craft with care by choosing our songs (thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, companions) wisely.

Last night I was staring into the star-filled night sky as I flew home. I was thinking of A. and feeling sentimental, despite myself. And in the mix of a new playlist just as heavy on artists and songs that cut right to the quick as those that apply healing balm to the wounds, After the Storm by Mumford and Sons filled my ears with this message:

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Truer words could not have been spoken, or in this case, sung, with the reminder that the pain of a broken heart, like everything, is temporary. Heartache fades eventually. When love is lost, it can be hard to remember that. We fall so easily into the trap of identifying heavily with our hurt and our fear, momentarily forgetting that love is so much more than that. Love is truth. Love is light. Love is the reason for being, if you ask me. And yes, love can hurt. Yes, love can bring anguish and suffering like none other, it can cause us to lose our senses and inflict and experience pain we never knew we were capable of. But that falls away. The tears stop falling too. And when you once again open your heart to grace, to love, all goodness will be yours.

So as a reminder to myself and to anyone reading this who's heart is hurting for any reason, there will come a time when it doesn't any more. There will come a time when you will heal your heart. Choose your soundtrack lovingly and honestly, and grace will prevail.