Heal your heart

Ever notice how when you're going through something that has to do with your heart, whether being madly in love, grieving a loss, celebrating something joyful or healing from a breakup, every song you hear seems to speak to you? That happens to me anyway. I love music. Love it. Love it. Love it. And while I may find myself completely moved and entranced by the instruments in a beautiful song, it's the lyrics that often get me. It's the lyrics that resonate with my soul, touch my heart and give a voice to the many emotions swirling wildly within me.

My heart has been pretty tender lately. I'm still dealing with what it is to really love someone yet know you can't be with them. And with several people I love going through real and substantial pain with breakups, deception and death in their midst, I'm extra tender out of sympathy. Each time I turn on the radio, download music for a new playlist or decide to listen at random to my ever-growing iTunes catalog, I seem to come across a song that reaches down to the very depths of my pain. The memories flood into my mind's eye and longing grips my heart. My friends' hurt mirrored in my own being rises to the surface even more acutely. It really does leave me breathless at moments. But just as much as music can touch my pain and my fear, it also touches my strength, my courage, my hope, my conviction and my joy. It validates my efforts and motivates me to continue forward along my path. Truly, there is a soundtrack to my life, as I'm sure there is yours, that we can craft with care by choosing our songs (thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, companions) wisely.

Last night I was staring into the star-filled night sky as I flew home. I was thinking of A. and feeling sentimental, despite myself. And in the mix of a new playlist just as heavy on artists and songs that cut right to the quick as those that apply healing balm to the wounds, After the Storm by Mumford and Sons filled my ears with this message:

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Truer words could not have been spoken, or in this case, sung, with the reminder that the pain of a broken heart, like everything, is temporary. Heartache fades eventually. When love is lost, it can be hard to remember that. We fall so easily into the trap of identifying heavily with our hurt and our fear, momentarily forgetting that love is so much more than that. Love is truth. Love is light. Love is the reason for being, if you ask me. And yes, love can hurt. Yes, love can bring anguish and suffering like none other, it can cause us to lose our senses and inflict and experience pain we never knew we were capable of. But that falls away. The tears stop falling too. And when you once again open your heart to grace, to love, all goodness will be yours.

So as a reminder to myself and to anyone reading this who's heart is hurting for any reason, there will come a time when it doesn't any more. There will come a time when you will heal your heart. Choose your soundtrack lovingly and honestly, and grace will prevail.

Thirty and feeling reflective. . .

So today I turn 30. For me, this is a great thing, a welcome transition from one life stage into the next, and, as with any transition, an opportunity for reflection. I’ve been eagerly anticipating this birthday, excited to leave my 20’s behind (30’s sound more adult, which has always been my thing) and to celebrate (I’m always up for plenty of that), feeling deep inside that there are big and wonderful things in store. I don’t know what those things may be, and I’m pretty sure that they won’t all come wrapped up in pretty bows, but that’s just life and I’m excited for it all.

And speaking of life, during this past week, life has afforded me the chance to have one seriously condensed experience of the human condition inside the span of just a few days. My world was touched by birth and by death, love beginning, ending and being redefined, falls from grace and beautiful redemption, acts of deception and of loyalty, tremendous joy and tremendous pain. It is with great reverence for each of these experiences that I sit here and reflect, in gratitude and in awe, on the close of my 20’s and the start of my 30’s, on this life that I am so blessed to live and on the incredible souls journeying through it with me.

What has me most in awe at this moment, as I sit on the beach, soaking up the sun, having spent my day thus far meditating, practicing yoga, getting a massage, being showered in love and all around enjoying the heck out of turning 30, is just how quickly it all can change. We humans are capable of so many varied emotions, and very often they rise up, fast and furious, completely changing the panorama in the blink of an eye. My phone could ring right now with the most devastating news I could imagine, and just as sure as I’m sitting here feeling all blissed-out and happy, my joy would instantly fade away so that grief, despair, fear or whatever emotions were appropriate in response to that hypothetic call could take their place. I certainly don’t walk around expecting anything like that to happen, and I’d venture to say that most of you are with me there; however, it doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t.

This happened to one of the people I love the most very recently. From one moment to the next, vacations and celebrations were being planned, joy and excitement were in the air, and then death, pain and grieving took their place. I was devastated just bearing witness to my treasured friend’s suffering, so I can only imagine how she felt. So I did the only thing I could, which was to hold a space of love and light while the dark cloud of hurt hovered. This phenomenon of emotions rapidly shifting goes both ways, however. While death touched one friend’s world, new life touched another. The strain and worry of a drawn out, complicated labor were instantly replaced by the unparalleled joy of the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby. Light illuminates dark.

We are privileged to have a human birth, privileged to experience the human condition, privileged to feel this amazing array of feelings that each of us possesses. While some of us may be more connected to those emotions than others, be assured that they exist within us all. I say feel them to the fullest. Explore them to their edge. Savor them and share them. You never know when your next opportunity to love with wild abandon will be, so do it while you have the chance. You never know when the next time to grieve will come, so experience it, release and heal through it while it is in your life. If you yourself have a fall from grace, don’t judge yourself harshly. Instead, be honest with yourself and learn from your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them, which would only lead to hurting others and yourself in the process. If you realize that there are relationships in your life that have run their course and no longer make you feel good, let them go. If there are relationships that you feel are worth nurturing and tending to with greater care, what are you waiting for?!? Our emotions are our guides. If we allow ourselves to experience them fully and listen to the lessons they contain, they will lead us toward our highest good.

Here’s to trusting our hearts and our inner voices. Here’s to feeling our feelings fully. Here’s to my 30’s. Here’s to all of you. Cheers!

Hurt so good

An interesting observation was made about me the other day that really got me thinking. I was told that I seem to have the opposite kind of trust issue than the majority of people. Rather than having a difficult time trusting others, I have the ability to trust, very quickly and very completely, in the people I let into my heart. Heck, maybe the last part of that sentence needn't even be there, seeing as how I've chosen to write a blog wherein I share stories of a most personal nature, the stories of my heart, with whoever happens to be reading. Regarding my blog, the way I see it, I don't expect any sort of adverse reaction or negative consequence to come from sharing and trusting so freely. Quite simply, it is a cathartic and creative process for me, and my little band of followers seems to enjoy what I have to say, so win-win. As for trusting the people in my life, I operate under the assumption that anyone who I have connected with is there as part of a Divine plan, and I take an "innocent until proven guilty" approach. I strive to find a way to embrace whatever and whoever comes my way, anticipating the best and not wasting my precious time and energy worrying about what harm might befall me by being so trusting.

Naturally, I get hurt.

By being so trusting I expose a very real and sensitive vulnerability to those close to me. I let them in, and for the ones who really matter, I actually hand over a little piece of my heart. I trust them to cradle it gently, but they're only human and sometimes they crush it; sometimes they crush me. It isn't intentional. It isn't malicious. It's life. It's love. We are all guilty of this. I can't think of one person, even revered saints and sages, who has not caused some sort of emotional harm to another human being. It is our nature. We can't help ourselves. Many times, the hurt comes about, at least in part, because of circumstances beyond either party's direct control. While trying to do right in one area, we cause harm in another. By trying to alleviate our own suffering, we provoke suffering for the ones we love. It is part of the human condition.

Last week was a trying one for me. My heart was already raw and aching from the end of my relationship, and much of my inner strength was going toward healing in a healthy way. Inwardly, I was two steps away from tears falling at just about any moment and caught up in processing a lot of different emotions. Outwardly, I was doing my best to own my decision and surround myself with the love, light and laughter of my friends, and as much yoga as I could fit into my schedule, so as not to fall apart. And then not one but two of my closest, most trusted friends dealt me enough of a blow to break the shell wide open. The tears fell for sure. Neither one of them did it on purpose. Neither one of them would have chosen to cause me any sort of harm if they could have helped it. They were both trying to make what they believed to be the best choice in a challenging situation, and it just happened that their decisions led to some suffering for me.

In the face of this turn of events, I had to ask myself whether what transpired was really so egregious, or if it was my own expectations of these individuals, the trust and love that I'd placed in them, that was the real cause of my pain. Had I not opened myself up to A. or to these two friends, could they have ever hurt me? This kind of thinking is how I imagine people begin to develop the more mainstream kind of trust issues. It seems like a very dangerous downward spiral from there, in my opinion. Instead of getting onboard for that particular ride, I found a different perspective to consider. Thanks to loving and trusting all of these people, I got to face some of my own crap and engage in the process of healing and growing. And since I was a little too in control of my post-breakup hurt feelings, the situations with my girlfriends ended up providing me what I needed most: release. I needed to cry big time. I needed to just let down my guard so I could feel the pain, sadness, disappointment and grief fully in order to begin the process of moving on. As I do, I become even more aware and appreciative of how incredible each one of the people in my life is, how much they bring me, how much I want to keep loving and trusting them, hopefully for our mutual benefit.

I could never live my life as an untrusting person. I'd be too afraid to miss the opportunity to feel, to connect, to experience all the juicy, messy, fantastic, wild goodness that opening your heart brings. I know living this way means I will get hurt from time to time, and I accept that. I accept that because it means I will love, and be loved, in ways far more powerful than the hurt could ever be. To me, that is more than worth it.

My take on heartbreak

It has occurred to me that the very act of loving someone, deeply, truly and from your soul, is heartbreak. You give a piece of your heart to that person, and for so long as s/he is close, the break goes unnoticed. But when that relationship ends and the person is no longer by your side, the pain reveals itself and the word "heartbroken", as it is commonly understood, enters into the dialog. As always, I draw from what I know.

I've been blessed with a very passionate, intense, eye-opening love in my life for the last several months, a love that, quite frankly, has been tested, and tested me, from the very beginning. I handed over a piece of my heart without a second thought, expecting nothing but the same in return. But how is that nothing? It is actually everything. And sometimes, everything is just more than some people can give. Sometimes your version of everything is quite different from the other person's. When faced with that, you either accept it and find a way to make the best of things, or you recognize that it is not going to be enough to sustain you and walk away. I tried the former, because pure, profound, delicious love lets you do that for a while. Love amps up your own supply of patience, understanding, flexibility, tolerance, compassion, whatever is needed to help you compensate for your beloved. That's part of what love is about, giving more at times and doing so with grace. But we all have our limits, and ultimately love needs reciprocity in relatively equal measure over the long run. Love needs both lover and beloved to be on the same page, as it were. If there is too great of an imbalance or disconnect for too long, you may find it best to choose the latter option and walk away. You'll know in your heart when you reach that point, and if you listen to it carefully, your heart will always guide you in the right direction. That direction may seem incredibly scary or painful when you start heading in it, but that doesn't make it wrong. That's the point I found myself at.

I could place blame in order to make my decision easier to swallow, substituting anger for the scary and painful feelings. Why do you think most stories have a good guy and a bad guy? Blame the bad guy, of course! But in life, and love in particular, that isn't always so. Many times, when a love ends, there are no bad guys. There are two people who tried, who loved, but who just couldn't get it quite right, whether because of timing or circumstances or any number of reasons. While that isn't always easy to accept, at least not for me, I've come to believe it is true. With my ex-husband, it took me quite a while to release blame and instead see that we were just not meant to be. We just recently sat down to our first meal as friends, two years after we first split, and it was incredibly gratifying to see how far we'd come and that there are no bad guys. With A. I'm making my peace with the fact that our timing is off, and so no matter how much love we share, it isn't meant to be right now. I'm doing this early enough on so that it will hopefully spare us greater heartache than is absolutely necessary. Why would heartache be necessary at all, you might ask? Well, I believe it is because we need to revere love lost as the incredible teacher that it is. If it didn't ache to lose love, would we really take the time to reflect and learn the lessons we are meant to learn in these instances? If you can just walk away from love without feeling some pain, was it really love to begin with?

So right now I'm a little heartbroken, and I can accept that. I've given a piece of myself to someone I love, and for a while we walked alongside one another on our respective paths. Our paths have diverged. I am better for it because I have learned and experienced so much good through this relationship. I hope he feels the same, if not immediately then eventually. There is hurt, there is sadness, there is longing. I feel them all very acutely, but I can tolerate them, I can tolerate heartbreak, because gratitude is stronger. I'm thankful for this opportunity I've had with A. to love and to connect, to enrich and be enriched. And along with gratitude, I have faith that more love, connection and enrichment are to come.

You must know darkness in order to see the light

So here we are, a new year, a new beginning. And in order for something to begin, something else must end. So it goes, an infinite cycle of starts and stops, openings and closings, coming together and moving apart. I am among those who places a great deal of emphasis on a new year. In particular, I view the transition from the previous one into the new one as an important time to take stock of what you want to let go of, what isn't serving you any longer, and consciously release it. Simultaneously it is the time to focus attention on what is working so you can nurture it, as well as what you want to attract or manifest as you go forward. My girls and I spend a lot of time symbolically burning lists in fires or throwing stones into the ocean to release, as well as contemplating, writing, vision board-making, etc. about future intentions during the tail-end of December and the beginning of January. Fun stuff, if you like that sort of thing!

I decided 2011 is my year of living fearlessly. In order to do that, I have to really look at myself, my life, my relationships, my habits and see where I am being motivated by fear. That is not an easy thing to do, because I'm not talking about fear of heights or spiders or something tangible. I'm talking about fear of being alone or choosing the wrong path in life or being disliked. These are the fears that breed insecurity and cause otherwise intelligent, confident, well-adjusted individuals to engage in behaviors or relationships that are dangerous or dysfunctional. These are the fears that tear apart romances and fuel conflicts. These are the fears that lurk within us in dark shadows that we are too afraid to explore most of the time. But darkness is nothing more than the flip side of light, and I believe it serves our highest good to get to know both equally well so that we may be whole.

Whole is our natural state. It is our Divine birthright. We are born whole, happy and healthy. A baby knows no fear until conditioned otherwise. We do not come into this world with trust issues or an adversity to certain personality traits in others, rather, the relationships and experiences of our lives foster these things. If left unchecked, these "dark side" afflictions can slowly and quietly begin to run our lives and motivate our every decision. Before we know it, we are sabotaging our own happiness with the very choices we are making, and yet we cannot seem to figure out how it happened. Really, the mystery isn't all that great. We are powerful, conscious beings, many of whom live in a way that denies that very power and disconnects from that very consciousness. I have chosen otherwise. I want to fulfill my birthright of a happy, healthy and whole existence, and as such, I have accepted the fact that the only way to do it is to be willing to look at all my crap: ugly, shameful, uncomfortable, embarrassing, fear-invoking though it may be, it is part of me. I know I must own it and address it in order to move past it.

Not surprisingly, the very best way to see our darkness clearly is in our most intimate relationships. We attract people into our lives (this goes both ways) to hold a mirror up to our junk so that we have an opportunity to look at it and decide how to best deal with it. For some, this means moving even further into a state of denial about our ugly truth and more likely than not, leaving the relationship in shambles. For others, it is the needed opportunity to break the cycle, face the truth, make a conscious effort to change for the better and be part of a loving and nurturing relationship. I am trying for the latter in my love life, and I can tell you that it is hard work. It is scary in its own right, emotionally draining at times and can be downright frustrating. But I believe that A. and I are wonderful mirrors for one another. I believe that we can help each others' light to shine more fully and wholly. I believe in our love. So I've chosen the fearless path, and now we shall see where it leads.

As you go about setting your resolutions and goals for the year, there is nothing wrong with the garden variety "I'm going to shed ten pounds by bikini season" or "I'm going to save $100 each month toward the island vacation of my dreams". Any goal with a positive end is a goal worth setting. But ask yourself if those are the things that are truly going to nourish you and bring happiness. And consider if setting such specific goals is always wise, or if it might be a good idea to leave a little room for Divine interpretation of your aspirations. Creating that space could mean receiving far more than you imagined possible.

The longest night of the year

A once-in-a-lifetime event took place the other night, or better, in the wee hours of the morning, as a lunar eclipse coincided with the winter solstice on December 21, 2010. It was without a doubt spectacular. On the longest, darkest night of the year, the giant, full, golden moon rose and turned silver. This much I saw at various moments throughout the night, coming and going. Then, in a semi-sleepy, super-excited state, a little before 2 a.m. my boyfriend and I bundled up, by Florida standards, and made for the beach to watch as the silver moon slowly turned an amber-orange color and began to darken. It was such a clear night. There were stars visible everywhere we looked, no small feat for largely light-polluted south Florida, and the ocean was rolling with soft, steady surf. I have been blessed to witness Mother Nature exhibit herself with unspeakable beauty, majesty and grace in many ways. This absolutely ranks high among them.

Not only was this occurrence beautiful but powerful as well. You need not be an astrology expert to know that when such significant events align, the energy surrounding them becomes exponentially charged. These are often times of great revelations and insights. Relationships can change. Fortunes are gained or lost. Questions are answered. Mysteries are uncovered. For me, it provoked some heavy contemplation as I pondered those of us who are happy to give up a little sleep to witness such a miracle and those who don't see the point. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that if you chose to stay snug in your bed rather than watch the eclipse you are somehow less than. Rather, I got to thinking about how some people are more willing to give of themselves or give something up in different circumstances in life than others. What drives this? Is it worth it?

The immediate parallel I drew is to my five-month old relationship. Though in its infancy based solely upon calendars days, it has been a rather intense one and we have traveled a lot of road together. In my marriage to C. I can look back now and see that I was very often the one in some sort of crisis mode, and I leaned on him a lot to get through those times. He did his best to exhibit patience and compassion in his way, and while we didn't work out in the end, I'll be forever grateful to him. Now I find myself in a situation where the tables have turned. When it comes to my relationship with A. he is the one who is fielding some curve balls that life is throwing his way, and I am the one reaching within to find stores of patience and compassion to support and love him with. Admittedly, there have been moments when I have felt as if perhaps I was being a little too self sacrificing for such a new relationship. Yet overwhelmingly, I am clear in the belief that even if that is the case, it is entirely worth it to me. Just as I'd happily miss out on a little sleep to witness the rare magic of the eclipse, I am willing to hold the hand of the man I love while he goes through whatever it is that he has to go through, even if it I sometimes have to pay a little for doing so. I know it is only temporary and the tables will inevitably turn again.

To me, this is what love, and karma, is about. It may look on the surface like I am giving something up. But what about all that I am gaining that may not be as readily visible? With A. I have the opportunity to really put into practice so much of what I have been working toward in my own personal transformation. I get to actively work on being more understanding, not imposing my will, maintaining my independence, loving with patience and compassion, communicating effectively and being part of a relationship with another deeply feeling, conscious human being. I get to experience passion, intensity, excitement, connection and so many other amazing sensations and feelings that come with being loved by this wonderful man. If I feel some frustration or unease at moments in the mix, isn't that a fair trade? They serve to give me needed reality checks and to help me appreciate the positive even more.

That is what this largely comes down to. There is shadow, and there is light. There is negative, and there is positive. There is loss, and there is gain. Without the side that is seemingly "bad" would we be able to fully appreciate that which is "good"? If the moon did not go into hiding, would we really appreciate her beauty? If every relationship were so smooth and easy as to present no challenges, would we ever grow? I think not. Rather than over-emphasizing the parts, look at the sum. If you are living and loving from a place of truth and integrity, chances are everything will balance out just as it should.

De-cluttering

This post has a dedication. It goes out to my yogini soul sisters, a few in particular who sometimes know me better than I know myself, and who remind me to take a step back and really look inside so I can know myself just as well.

I went to the most wonderful holiday gathering today. I had intended to spend an afternoon wandering around ArtBasel, finding solitude among the masses, surrounded by lots of exceptional art. Instead, I ended up gathered with a group of my girlfriends (total opposite of solitude) surrounded by piles of stuff that we'd all cleared out of our closets, cabinets and cupboards (some of it art and some decidedly not). While I'm a Class A Planner and can be a stickler for those plans, even I know that sometimes when your plans suddenly and substantially change, you are best served to just go with it and open up to whatever it is the universe wants you to receive. This was that kind of change.

First, there was the amazingly cathartic and constructive act of clearing out physical clutter from my home. Thanks to That Feng Shui Lady (a.k.a V. Diddy Sands, a fellow yogini sister) recently there has been a buzz in our group about this sort of thing. Clearing space for energy to flow more freely and to have openings to attract into your life that which you wish for is a very intoxicating and yet intimidating proposition. It makes sense and who wouldn't want to create space for love, prosperity, serenity or any other wonderfully benevolent entity to come into your life. But actually making that space is a huge challenge for most. I moved a little over a year ago, and I take donations to Goodwill every few months, and even still, I have so much more that could be de-cluttered and made "new to you" for someone else. There are those clothes that haven't been worn in years that maybe, just maybe, I'll want to wear again. There are copious amounts of cosmetics and toiletries that I have never touched yet crowd my cabinets and closets needlessly rather than being appreciated by someone else. I'm sure my kitchen gadgets and gizmos could be streamlined and my office supplies as well. There is probably nowhere in my home that I could not eliminate unneeded excess, giving the gifts of that exercise to someone else in the form of recycled goods and giving myself the gift of more free space and a lighter energetic load.

That last part is what I am most grateful for. I freed up some closet space thanks to today's gathering, scored a few goodies in return and also spent an afternoon soaking up the beautiful weather in the company of some of my dearest friends, their laughter and their light. But what is most incredible and rewarding are the conversations and thought processes that this experience gave rise to. I spent so much of today reflecting on my internal clutter, the junk that I'm carrying around because I feel like I might need it some day (i.e. defense mechanisms) or because someone important gave it to me (i.e. learned behavior from, say, parents) or because I just don't know what to do with it (i.e. insecurities and vulnerabilities that we've yet to fully understand and thus cannot release). One of the greatest ways to take ownership of our "stuff", intangible as well as tangible, is to let it go. Acknowledge it for what it is and how it has served us, decide whether it has any value in the present, and if it does not, release it.

For me, today I saw that as hard as I have worked on myself up until now and as far as I have come, I still have a lot of road left to travel. I am finding myself face to face with opportunities to break patterns in my life and change behaviors and attitudes that do not serve me, if only I have the space to be open to them. There is fear yet to be understood and overcome, there is inner strength yet to be fortified, there is softening yet to unfold, there is love yet to give. There is such depth within us, yet, too many times we fill it with clutter that goes unnoticed because we're so used to seeing it there, day in and day out. I highly encourage all of you to try a little clearing. Start small, and if you're anything like me, once you do that, you won't want to stop.